I’m leaving my partner for someone else.

[confession247]

I need to vent to someone and I can’t do it irl.

Long term poster, posted before re abusive partner, long term relationship of 8 years.

Has been financially, emotionally and at times physically abusive.
Allowed his family to financially abuse me, called me names, hounded me for money and has assaulted me on several occasions

Around 9 months ago - my partner went out on a night out and didn’t come home. This has been a recurrent theme. Every argument has culminated in a “break up” and he frequently tells me he doesn’t want to be with me blah blah blah.
The night he went out I stupidly downloaded OLD. I’ve worked on myself the past 2 years and got chatting to someone on there.
I have never in my dating life known calm like it, no love bombing, kind, funny and consistent. No bullshit or shouting or swearing. Just an overall lovely man.

I have fallen for this man. Not infatuation or limerence, genuine slow burning and healthy.

This is where it gets tricky.
Me and my partner have not slept together or even acted like a couple since 2022.
He is an angry man with a lot of childhood trauma, horrific mood swings, doesn’t pay his way nor has he ever.
The house is all in my name, he isn’t listed on the tenancy nor does he contribute.

Why do I feel so bad?
I feel genuine guilt for leaving, this is the first time in so long that I have actually been happy.
My partner is absolutely vile, uses cocaine, goes on drink benders every time there is any stress in his life and would not be able to function without me I don’t think.

Why do I feel so fucking bad?
He has spent the past 8 years being so nasty and degrading towards me without even a shred of guilt, yet I feel horrifically guilty for leaving this relationship.

This poster has it. You’ve had quite a bit of criticism on here but I doubt those people doing the criticism have ever walked in similar shoes so to speak, so don’t take that to heart. They don’t know the mindfuck it is to be abused for nearly a decade.

I just hope new man knows what the situation is. You feel guilty because you’ve been trained to. That will get easier. Just proceed safely.

When he’s been disappearing on these nights out, the likelihood is he’s cheated already so I wouldn’t feel guilty.

He’s a letch and abuser. The only reason he’s living with you still is to have a roof over his head.

Get rid and don’t waste your fertile years with this man. Keep the new one on the burner until everything has calmed down. I presume he knows about your current partner?

Any harassment from your soon to be ex, document in a message that he is not to contact or harass you again. If he does contact you again, contact the police.

I don't think you feel bad because you're cheating, I think you feel bad because you're scared and you're transferring that into feeling guilty because you aren't used to owning your life properly. And it is scary to completely change your life. You were pretty much a child still when you hooked up with him. You've known little else in your adult life.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself why you're doing it. And stick with it.

I tend to agree you could do with a big period of time without any man in your life. But getting rid of this one is the most important thing. Maybe talk to Women's Aid to make sure you're taking the steps you need to to protect yourself. And think about doing their Freedom Program.

Whatever you do - don't let him stay in your life and don't move the new bloke in to your home.

I am leaving because I’m stronger now than I have ever been.

Well done OP.

So reading your updates, in a way, for now, what does it matter that something you can’t currently identify is making you feel bad? Just leave anyway, you are strong enough to do that, and whatever it is behind these feelings certainly isn’t a reason for you to stay.

Just go, step into your freedom, and you will continue to work through all sorts of thoughts and feelings as you live your life.

I’d describe this an exit affair. Do whatever you need to to leave.

Good on you OP. Good luck and well done. I hope you experience true happiness like you deserve.

You feel guilty because he’s worn down your sense of self and taught you to depend on him and his feelings. Some good therapy and time apart will get rid of that. Ignore for now.

Well done. Kick him out and call the police if needed

You say 'leave him' but he's the one who needs to leave. How are you planning on achieving this? Do you have someone (obviously not new man) to be with you? You need a good plan here for your safety.

You absolutely should get out of this. You must still be young.

Just don't rush headlong into the other once you are free. If it's right then continuing to take it slowly will be fine. Replacing one with the other will end badly.

I'll not add to the criticism of you. I don't feel bad for your horrible partner but like others I do think that you need to be careful for your own sake. Put in some self imposed boundaries to stop it becoming too much too soon.

OP, I think go for it. Just remember it might not work out and you’ll need to be happy alone. But maybe it will!

wishing you all the very best.

Fuck him! Get happiness when and where you can in this short life. If he’s as bad as you say, I wouldn’t feel bad in the slightest.

Although would it not be better to kick him out rather than you leave? Unless you can afford to set up again.

Well done you, for sorting yourself out and knowing that you no longer have to live this way or put up with this shit show any longer, move forward, get this man out of your life and start living yours again.

I’m happy for you and w sure in six months time you will be too. Nothing to feel guilty about , but you must stay strong and keep moving forward.

With the other man don’t rush this just take it slow, you need to get away from your ex for now and get your life back on track.

I wish you the best of luck.

You feel guilty because you've been abused for many years by your husband and his family.

The relationship with the new man is not healthy, it's an emotional response to the domestic violence you've subjected to for many years. This type of relationship used to be called "exit affairs" because in many cases it happened to women emotionally burn out and exhausted from not getting what they need in their marriage. It's not healthy, OP.

Don't feel guilty. Your affair is nothing more than a crutch to get out of an abusive marriage, but is also not the wonderful relationship you think you have.

Do what you need to do to get out but listen to your head, not your heart. Emotionally, you are not healthy to be in a new relationship.

Thinking of you.

Are you leaving the house? You say you are leaving him but the house is yours? If it was going to be easy to get him to leave you would have done it already - do you have a plan in place?

If it’s your house are you leaving or kicking him out?

Please, please don’t feel guilty about splitting with your husband.
Hope you can keep safe - have you any worries about this aspect?
I don’t think you should tell H about your new man either.
Enjoy your new life.

Nah don’t feel bad - being stuck in an abusive relationship is quite literally the only exception I find for cheating. If it helped you build up confidence to leave, good for you.

Don’t move in with this person though. Date, get therapy, work on yourself, be happy.

“You cheated end of”

Rolling my eyes.

Life is more complicated than “cheating is bad, loyalty is good”. Not that you’d be able to guess from all the classic mumsnet responses.

This must be someone in their teens

You aren’t cheating on anyone. Your previous relationship has been ended in all but living arrangements since 2022. Your abusive ex isn’t going to leave without you kicking him out and knows you will feel too guilty to do that. He will survive if you do, and he isn’t your responsibility anyway.

Even if the new relationship is nothing more than the catalyst to get your terrible ex out of your house and life, then it’s absolutely worth it. You have seen that there is a calmer easier way to live, there’s no going back from that. Maybe he’s the one for you, maybe he isn’t, but I can tell you with certainty than the waste of space that’s currently freeloading in your spare room absolutely isn’t.

Do you have support around you to navigate getting your ex out? That’s the first thing to focus on. Look for the advice and support you need to do this. The potential new partner isn’t the primary person to do this. Family, friends, or even more formal organisations like women’s refuge charities or the police will be able to help signpost you

I really wish you well. You deserve so much better than this

I'm not so bothered about the 'cheating' aspect as the relationship was clearly over. I am a bit concerned about bringing the new man into the orbit of the potentially violent ex so would hold off moving him in for a while. I also agree with pp suggesting the OP stays single for a while.

Sometimes meeting someone else gives a
person the strength to leave.

it would be better to be in your own for a while but you obviously are unable to leave and be on your own.

Don’t look back.

OP, I get you and your situation. I was with an abusive horrible piece of work for 5 years. I met him in my late teens and was with him until I was 24. I always thought my situation and the way he treated me was kind of normal, or it so gradually got awful that I didn’t really comprehend how awful it was until it got to a point where I was constantly fearful of him and walking on eggshells. It took me meeting a lovely man for me to realise how awful and unbalanced my relationship really was. I ended up leaving my ex because of this other man- not because I desperately wanted to be with him but because he showed me that good men existed and I saw how horrendous my relationship was for the first time. As it turned out the new man was just as lovely as I had hoped and we’ve been together for 21 years now.

Ignore the holier than thou posters. Leave him and don’t feel guilty. Does he feel guilt for his actions? I’d say no he does not. It certainly doesn’t make you worse because you’ve met someone else. Leave him and don’t look back. Maybe it works out with this other man maybe it doesn’t but youll
still be free of your current partner

The only thing I’d be wary of is women in an abusive relationship and doing no work on herself often times will end up with/choose men who are also abusive in some way as the red flags aren’t obvious to them and haven’t learnt their boundaries and how to enforce them. Some counselling for yourself after many years in this situation is always beneficial

Well done on leaving your abusive partner. How are you going to do this? Are you able to make him leave? You need to be very careful about your safety in this situation.

Regarding the ‘other man’, I would just suggest a bit of caution:

1. He hasn’t balked about getting involved with a woman who is still living with someone else.
2. It’s not hard for him to look good when you are comparing him to your current deadbeat partner.
3. Unfortunately vulnerable women sometimes attract a ‘type’ of man. That’s why a break in dating to ‘re-set’ yourself is usually recommended. This new man might be the genuine article or he might also turn out to be an abusive twat once he’s got you hooked. But as long as he’s not as bad as ex, you’ll talk yourself into staying.

Good luck!