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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m leaving my partner for someone else.

148 replies

confession247 · 07/12/2025 20:19

I need to vent to someone and I can’t do it irl.

Long term poster, posted before re abusive partner, long term relationship of 8 years.

Has been financially, emotionally and at times physically abusive.
Allowed his family to financially abuse me, called me names, hounded me for money and has assaulted me on several occasions

Around 9 months ago - my partner went out on a night out and didn’t come home. This has been a recurrent theme. Every argument has culminated in a “break up” and he frequently tells me he doesn’t want to be with me blah blah blah.
The night he went out I stupidly downloaded OLD. I’ve worked on myself the past 2 years and got chatting to someone on there.
I have never in my dating life known calm like it, no love bombing, kind, funny and consistent. No bullshit or shouting or swearing. Just an overall lovely man.

I have fallen for this man. Not infatuation or limerence, genuine slow burning and healthy.

This is where it gets tricky.
Me and my partner have not slept together or even acted like a couple since 2022.
He is an angry man with a lot of childhood trauma, horrific mood swings, doesn’t pay his way nor has he ever.
The house is all in my name, he isn’t listed on the tenancy nor does he contribute.

Why do I feel so bad?
I feel genuine guilt for leaving, this is the first time in so long that I have actually been happy.
My partner is absolutely vile, uses cocaine, goes on drink benders every time there is any stress in his life and would not be able to function without me I don’t think.

Why do I feel so fucking bad?
He has spent the past 8 years being so nasty and degrading towards me without even a shred of guilt, yet I feel horrifically guilty for leaving this relationship.

OP posts:
gogomomo2 · 10/12/2025 08:24

If the new man is a good man he won’t mind waiting for at least a year before going beyond casually dating. Fine to date someone but you need time before you live with anyone else

SpaceRaccoon · 10/12/2025 08:27

Going against the grain, I left one man for another, who I've now been happily married to for many years. Things happen.

CuriousKangaroo · 10/12/2025 08:28

You feel guilty because you are a victim of abuse. Part of the abuse will have involved conditioning you to feel like you are responsible for him and that you need him. You do not and bloody well done for realising that and working on yourself so you can leave him.

But you should be leaving him for yourself, not for another man.

It is really, really, important to recognise that the reason so many abused women are repeatedly in abusive relationships is because men who abuse are predators and they seek out vulnerable women as though they are prey. If the new bloke knows the situation you have been in, no matter how sympathetic he seems, no matter how different, I’m afraid there is every chance he is the sort of man who might see you as his next victim. They literally search such women out. Why on earth would any man CHOOSE to be with someone who is CURRENTLY in an abusive relationship? It is a massive red flag. You cannot trust your instincts about another man right now. You may think you have worked on yourself enough to spot the next abuser, but you have only worked on yourself as far as realising you need to leave this one. And even then you seem only to be able to do so because there is a new bloke lined up. That is really emotionally unhealthy and dangerous and I hope you will listen to all those on here telling you this and not jump into a new relationship until you have been single for a long enough time to heal properly.

Best of luck, OP.

Maray1967 · 10/12/2025 08:29

confession247 · 08/12/2025 09:18

No I haven’t got children
I didn’t think he was great, I thought he had trauma that I could help him through. I think at the time (I was 21) I thought I could fix him

Years and years of his chaos and abuse has taught me one thing, I am not a rehab centre for traumatised men.

Get him fully out of your life and move on.

You deserve happiness - never doubt that for one minute.

Try to take a detached view of why you feel bad. Lots of women seem to be conditioned to think they need to care for a bloke, no matter how awful. Those of us who were brought up to take no crap from anyone are incredibly lucky - it’s like having a superpower that protects you from harm. At the first sign of bad behaviour we end the relationship with no qualms whatsoever, or at least, very few. If you weren’t brought up like that, or yet developed that skill, it is likely that you will feel guilty when you absolutely should not.

He has brought this on himself. Tell yourself that, loudly and clearly.

Boomer55 · 10/12/2025 08:32

SpaceRaccoon · 10/12/2025 08:27

Going against the grain, I left one man for another, who I've now been happily married to for many years. Things happen.

And me. Left a 28 year marriage (emotional abuse but not too bad), but once the kids were married, I’d had enough. no counselling required or wanted.

The man I left for I was with, happily, for 23 years, until he died. Never regretted a day. 👍

Mummyratbag · 10/12/2025 08:33

You owe this man (your "partner" of 8 years) nothing. I totally understand how seeing what a good man is like gives you the strength to leave. I have been you, you will get over the guilt and when you are out you will see more clearly how you should have put yourself first.

The new man may or may not be your future. Give yourself some breathing space and go slowly him. There seems to be more judgment towards you on this thread than your abuser!! Life isn't always straight forward. I hope you find peace and happiness OP.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 10/12/2025 08:37

TheseWinterDays · 10/12/2025 05:50

OP, just tell the abusive man he’s leaving. Have you any friends/family who can be around while he packs? He needs gone.

This, OP.
If you think he's going to kick off, get some support on hand to be there when you tell him to sling his hook. Do it soon, and start your new life.

Addictedtohotbaths · 10/12/2025 08:40

confession247 · 08/12/2025 08:06

Just to clarify some points.

I’m not leaving to move in with anyone.
I’m leaving because there is a life outside of abuse that I have slowly experienced since 2022. I have lived as a single woman, we sleep in seperate rooms, we don’t eat together, we don’t do anything that blurs the lines as a couple.

I have done the freedom programme, LAVA, and I have been in CBT for 16 months.

I am leaving because I’m stronger now than I have ever been. I didn’t realise until 2021 that I was actually being abused. I thought it was something I was doing wrong.

Good for you! Best of luck, no judgment for you cheating. Just take it very slowly with the new man, in case he has a mask that hasn’t yet slipped.

Don’t move in with him for a good few years.

CitizenofMoronia · 10/12/2025 08:42

I'm sorry, OP, I can't read this thread due to the appalling nature of some of the responses you have had. You feel bad because you have been traumatised by the abuse you have been under. It's called Stockholm syndrome.
Be gentle with yourself, whatever happens or doesn't happen with this man, take time to treat yourself the way he has been treating you - have you reached out to some of the women's aid groups as you are going to need help and support getting this person out of both your house and your life.

boozylucy · 10/12/2025 08:42

Good for you OP - hope you get all the love and happiness you deserve. Don't look back!

Neja · 10/12/2025 08:55

confession247 · 07/12/2025 20:19

I need to vent to someone and I can’t do it irl.

Long term poster, posted before re abusive partner, long term relationship of 8 years.

Has been financially, emotionally and at times physically abusive.
Allowed his family to financially abuse me, called me names, hounded me for money and has assaulted me on several occasions

Around 9 months ago - my partner went out on a night out and didn’t come home. This has been a recurrent theme. Every argument has culminated in a “break up” and he frequently tells me he doesn’t want to be with me blah blah blah.
The night he went out I stupidly downloaded OLD. I’ve worked on myself the past 2 years and got chatting to someone on there.
I have never in my dating life known calm like it, no love bombing, kind, funny and consistent. No bullshit or shouting or swearing. Just an overall lovely man.

I have fallen for this man. Not infatuation or limerence, genuine slow burning and healthy.

This is where it gets tricky.
Me and my partner have not slept together or even acted like a couple since 2022.
He is an angry man with a lot of childhood trauma, horrific mood swings, doesn’t pay his way nor has he ever.
The house is all in my name, he isn’t listed on the tenancy nor does he contribute.

Why do I feel so bad?
I feel genuine guilt for leaving, this is the first time in so long that I have actually been happy.
My partner is absolutely vile, uses cocaine, goes on drink benders every time there is any stress in his life and would not be able to function without me I don’t think.

Why do I feel so fucking bad?
He has spent the past 8 years being so nasty and degrading towards me without even a shred of guilt, yet I feel horrifically guilty for leaving this relationship.

I have a narcissist as a mother, who has caused me so much pain all my life. She was screaming at me on the phone yesterday , and I felt so shaken up. Guess what? The last thing I wanted to do is spend Christmas with her, but the guilt afterwards is all consuming.

I’ve learnt a lot in recent months after being gaslit all my life, and the feeling of guilt is actually typical of an abusive relationship. You have a trauma bond, and been conditioned to feel guilty. It’s very hard to break that mental stronghold, but can be done.

I would not recommend you jump into another relationship. Please please heal yourself , because I can guarantee no matter how nice this man seems, there will be red flags or things you won’t be able to pick up or allow certain things most won’t as you won’t see it due to past trauma. This is why you see people go from abusive relationship to the next.

The first and most difficult step is to leave your abusive partner. Fight that overwhelming sense of guilt. Your soul is craving validation, to be loved and seen. I get that, but this is not the right way to do it. Heal first. You will have no regrets doing it the right way

Neja · 10/12/2025 09:01

CuriousKangaroo · 10/12/2025 08:28

You feel guilty because you are a victim of abuse. Part of the abuse will have involved conditioning you to feel like you are responsible for him and that you need him. You do not and bloody well done for realising that and working on yourself so you can leave him.

But you should be leaving him for yourself, not for another man.

It is really, really, important to recognise that the reason so many abused women are repeatedly in abusive relationships is because men who abuse are predators and they seek out vulnerable women as though they are prey. If the new bloke knows the situation you have been in, no matter how sympathetic he seems, no matter how different, I’m afraid there is every chance he is the sort of man who might see you as his next victim. They literally search such women out. Why on earth would any man CHOOSE to be with someone who is CURRENTLY in an abusive relationship? It is a massive red flag. You cannot trust your instincts about another man right now. You may think you have worked on yourself enough to spot the next abuser, but you have only worked on yourself as far as realising you need to leave this one. And even then you seem only to be able to do so because there is a new bloke lined up. That is really emotionally unhealthy and dangerous and I hope you will listen to all those on here telling you this and not jump into a new relationship until you have been single for a long enough time to heal properly.

Best of luck, OP.

I just read this. Absolutely this. Please listen. It will save you from so much future pain. My problem was nasty friendships all my life. I just couldn’t pick up on the abuse as my own mother was worse and I was so conditioned to believe this was the norm. Or if gaslit myself thinking not that bad, especially after the love bombing.

user1492757084 · 10/12/2025 09:02

Don't move in with any new man until you can cope, settled for a few years with the separation.
Another person in the mix will complicate every aspect of leaving to set up a stable home.

Leave with the intention of having a home free from ridicule, drink and drugs. Never have your children in the sole care of a drinking, drug taking person. So gather your evidence and prepare to sort out safe meeting places with supervision.
Are your husband's parent's trustworthy, and do they know their son's vices?

ClairDeLaLune · 10/12/2025 09:12

You feel bad because you are trauma bonded to your partner. You need therapy to get through this. But get through it you must, and you will.

You probably also feel bad for cheating, but even a saint would have been tempted to cheat. You now realise what a decent man is, and that your current partner is not it.

You’ve made a massive decision to leave it which can’t have been easy, well done you for realising you need to get out of this relationship. You now need to make the next step and do it.

Good luck OP, wishing you every happiness for the future.

Bikergran · 10/12/2025 09:15

Leave him, but for yourself, not someone else.

WestwardHo1 · 10/12/2025 09:19

Are you sure he's "lovely"? Or is he just lovely in comparison to the twat you're currently living with? They often change and become much less lovely once it all gets real.

I think you should kick out the loser partner, live on your own and take it very slowly with new bloke. Very very slowly.

ainsisoisje · 10/12/2025 09:19

You feel guilty because you are a good person - if it helps you move on then go for it. I took myself out of dating for a long time after a coercive relationship but that's because there wasn't anyone else on the horizon (and kind of wished I hadn't in some ways left it so long to date again!). But agree with the poster who said go steady and after some knobheadery normal blokes seem amazing. Just try to check in with yourself and don't ignore red flags. But good luck and well done for soon to be LTB.

Bloozie · 10/12/2025 09:27

Some of the replies you've had are way harsh...

You feel bad because you're a good person. Because even though your partner is a total deadbeat waste of space, you probs don't want to make him homeless. And maybe you're scared of how we will react, and how difficult it will be to actually get him out.

I agree with other people that jumping from one relationship to another isn't a good idea. But it doesn't mean it won't work, or that the feelings you have for the man you met online aren't real. It's not ideal - at all - but not everything in life is ideal, or tidy.

I wish you peace and love.

RedToothBrush · 10/12/2025 09:27

Checknotmymate · 07/12/2025 20:24

The last thing you need is another man

This.

It has disaster written all over this in more than one aspect.

BerryTwister · 10/12/2025 09:43

Don’t feel bad OP.
He had his chance (multiple chances by the sound of it) and he blew it. He’s a twat and you’ve met someone better.
Dump him and be happy with the new man.

Peripain · 10/12/2025 09:51

Make a plan to get out and away safely.

also make a plan to live independently. Work, training, savings. Don’t get trapped again.

best wishes.

Mosaic80 · 10/12/2025 09:59

FollowSpot · 07/12/2025 21:08

OP, my guess is you feel bad because that is how abuse works.

It makes you feel responsible in some way. Takes away your capacity to free yourself.

You say he wouldn’t function.. well he isn’t functioning now but this seems to be the role you are trapped in: his saviour.

You can’t save him. And every new humiliation or privation you put yourself in to help ‘save’ him, help him ‘function’ takes something away from you. Your money, your self respect, your freedom.

I think it is good that New Man has given you a glimpse of the freedom you could enjoy.

But also the mechanism of abuse and its aftermath live a long time in your mental health. As you are finding out.

Leave your useless ex before he destroys you and before your futile attempts to make him thrive / happy destroy you.

Do The Freedom Programme.

Understand yourself. Learn about abuse.

Proceed cautiously with new man. Protect yourself.

This exactly.

OP, you have been made (both by this man and life/upbringing/society) to feel responsible for him. You don't have to be but you'll need to keep telling yourself that. Make a plan to get rid of him and stay safe while you're carrying it out. Be very cautious with new man and don't move in with him or make any significant ties to him for a long while.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 10/12/2025 10:10

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 07/12/2025 20:41

Can people chill the fuck out on the judgement and vilification please? No it's not a good idea to jump from an abusive relationship to another one but if it's what gets OP out of the shit she's in then so be it. Berating her for cheating is stupid. Abusive men don't deserve fidelity or any respect really. They do need to be left, by any means necessary.

Absolutely agree

MorningActivity · 10/12/2025 10:31

@confession247 youre feeling bad because your current DP has abused you further years. And you were so deep into the abuse and DARVO that you didn’t realise you were abused.
i wouldn’t be surprised if abuse and/or neglect was part of your childhood too.

And now you’re trying to get free. You’re rewriting the script from ‘he is upset, that’s my fault. I’m a bad person/ive clearly done somethimg wrong’ to ‘I’m leaving and chosing myself’
Its an amazing progress and you should be proud of yourself for that change.

Please don’t listen to posters going on ‘yes you should feel bad you’ve cheated on him’. Theyre basically doing the same than your soon to be ex. Victim blaming abd being unable to understand complexity.
It is totally possible to do something NORMALLY deemed unacceptable agd yet for that thing to be the right thing for you to do. Which it was. Regardless of whether that relationship catties on, it has opened your eyes to how things can and should be. Hand wringing doesn’t help about ‘cheating’ when said partner is abusive/no sex life/marriage is anything but a marriage (let alone a partnership) isn’t helpful,

Im really happy for you tbh.
Your eyes have finally opened. And you’re ready to jump ship. Great!!

My own only advice would be to think carefully about your next move. Your ex and his family are proven to be physically violent. You leaving migut trigger another ‘episode’. You need to protect yourself.

Shedeboodinia · 10/12/2025 10:37

I disagree with PP.
One of my best friends was in a similar situation. It did take for her to have an affair to leave. She wasnt strong enough to leave with noone else to support her. Sbe hadnt told anyone what she had been going through. We never knew. Her family didnt know. She only told us after how terrible her life was with him.
She is now happily married for 8 years with the new guy. She is the best version of herself now. Super happy, confident and strong.
I have no idea why she couldnt leave before meeting someone. But she couldnt. But when she finally did meet someone and leave she was like a new person.