I’m leaving my partner for someone else.

[confession247]

I need to vent to someone and I can’t do it irl.

Long term poster, posted before re abusive partner, long term relationship of 8 years.

Has been financially, emotionally and at times physically abusive.
Allowed his family to financially abuse me, called me names, hounded me for money and has assaulted me on several occasions

Around 9 months ago - my partner went out on a night out and didn’t come home. This has been a recurrent theme. Every argument has culminated in a “break up” and he frequently tells me he doesn’t want to be with me blah blah blah.
The night he went out I stupidly downloaded OLD. I’ve worked on myself the past 2 years and got chatting to someone on there.
I have never in my dating life known calm like it, no love bombing, kind, funny and consistent. No bullshit or shouting or swearing. Just an overall lovely man.

I have fallen for this man. Not infatuation or limerence, genuine slow burning and healthy.

This is where it gets tricky.
Me and my partner have not slept together or even acted like a couple since 2022.
He is an angry man with a lot of childhood trauma, horrific mood swings, doesn’t pay his way nor has he ever.
The house is all in my name, he isn’t listed on the tenancy nor does he contribute.

Why do I feel so bad?
I feel genuine guilt for leaving, this is the first time in so long that I have actually been happy.
My partner is absolutely vile, uses cocaine, goes on drink benders every time there is any stress in his life and would not be able to function without me I don’t think.

Why do I feel so fucking bad?
He has spent the past 8 years being so nasty and degrading towards me without even a shred of guilt, yet I feel horrifically guilty for leaving this relationship.

Try being on your own and learning to enjoy being on your own. You don’t know who you are without a man. You’re not going to be able to break out of this cycle until you do this.

Is the new man aware that you are with someone? I don’t think this is the type of situation that a good person would get involved with tbh. If you mean that you’re going to move out on your own and date the new man then okay, but if you’re going to move in together straight away then I’d say to be careful. You might end up jumping into a new situation that turns out to be bad as well.

Ive ended an abusive relationship recentley, im really struggling with guilt too. I think its childhood issues
Could you share your childhood with us?
Dont think its wise of you to involve another man as current dp could get wind of it and attack him

This was my friend;it gave her the courage to kick out her POS husband.

It fizzled out with her boyfriend after a while and she went on to meet her second husband;they are happily married with a child.

I agree with the sentiments of many PP saying OP needs to learn to be alone. Reason being there’s no guarantee at all that the next one won’t have their own issues in which case OP needs the life skills to not again get stuck in an 8 year long unhealthy relationship.

I can’t blame OP for looking for someone else given how awful her current partner is, but the fact that her ‘solution’ was to find another man to get away from her existing man tells me that despite her saying she’s worked on herself for two years, she really needs to focus on herself for a while and build herself up. If this new man, really is the one then he’ll give her some breathing space to do just that.

True but it can also be dangerous because after her super abusive relationship, the next man lined up can look amazing in comparison but still be abusive.

If the OP hasn't had time alone to heal, she may be less likely to spot that.

OP, my guess is you feel bad because that is how abuse works.

It makes you feel responsible in some way. Takes away your capacity to free yourself.

You say he wouldn’t function.. well he isn’t functioning now but this seems to be the role you are trapped in: his saviour.

You can’t save him. And every new humiliation or privation you put yourself in to help ‘save’ him, help him ‘function’ takes something away from you. Your money, your self respect, your freedom.

I think it is good that New Man has given you a glimpse of the freedom you could enjoy.

But also the mechanism of abuse and its aftermath live a long time in your mental health. As you are finding out.

Leave your useless ex before he destroys you and before your futile attempts to make him thrive / happy destroy you.

Do The Freedom Programme.

Understand yourself. Learn about abuse.

Proceed cautiously with new man. Protect yourself.

You feel bad because you are at heart a kind person and realise that this half-
man cannot function without you. You need to tell yourself he is not a nice person, does not deserve your sympathy and in fact you really shouldn't give a damn about him. It's not easy to give up on someone but you have to.

Some harsh posts on here. It takes real strength and bravery to leave an abusive relationship. Leaving now you have found someone else is far from ideal. Yes it would be better if you had time to yourself to recover but life isn't black and white. You have nothing to feel guilty over.

I left an abusive parter and met someone lovely 10 months afterwards. I should have left him much sooner but I was just doing my best to survive and the cycle of abuse made it so hard to leave. Ignore anyone asking why you didn't leave sooner, it doesnt work like that when you are living in it.

Leave and be happy with or without the new man x

This totally this! I also recommend the own my life program which will help you to understand the abuse cycle x

Ideally, yes but unfortunately not everything is clear cut as people are people. If it takes another man to give her the push, and after 8 years of living like this already and not getting rid of him, then hopefully it's worth the risk.
I would like to think the OP has learned and will recognise warning signs in future. Fingers crossed anyway.

I don't understand women that just can't be alone you don't need a man to complete you just leave him and be by yourself 💕💕💕

Fingers crossed.

But some women do jump from one abusive relationship to another, sadly.

Let's hope this isn't the case for the OP.

Everyone get off your high horse.
I can absolutley see why a bit of normality of a nice new man could be the push to make you leave thos hell.
Good luck to you, leave this abuser and of the new boyfriend ever mistreats you be ready and strong enough to leave him too.
Ideally leaving and having time on your own would be lovely but if the choice is staying, or leaving for somone better, choose the former.
Life is so uncomplicated for those who just haven't been there.

My thoughts are - leave. Use this new man's support and strength to do it,
But don't make any long term commitment to him. Don't move in etc.

OP, please leave this man. Please don't get involved with anyone else for at least a year. You need to find out who you are.

God what awful self righteous unsupportive posts. Please ignore them OP. It’s completely normal for a new relationship to be the thing that finally gives you the strength to leave an abuser, because suddenly there’s the promise that life can be good and rich and wonderful instead of all the poison your abusive partner is probably dripping in your ear about how awful it will be for you to leave and how he’s the best you’ll ever manage to get.

You aren’t cheating. You’ve said yourself that you’re not in a sexual or romantic relationship. You’re trapped with someone who is abusing you. Do whatever you need you do to get rid of him, including drawing strength from the fact that there are good men out there and that they will like you, if you decide you want to have a man in your life.

You are feeling bad because you’re a a kind person, and because you’ve been conditioned by your partner to feel pity for him even while you hate how he treats you. Try to hold onto the fact that a good life awaits you, and that one day you’ll be able to look back and realise you haven’t thought about him, dreaded what he’ll say, feared him, or even had to consider his nonsense in years. Sending you lots of support. You can do this!

Good luck to you, leave this abuser and of the new boyfriend ever mistreats you be ready and strong enough to leave him too.

It's taken the OP 8 years to leave this one, so I wouldn't assume she'd be 'ready and strong enough' to leave this one too if he also happens to be abusive.

Time spent alone to heal from 8 years of abuse would be a far better option for the OP right now.

This was me 24 years ago - I had met someone where there was an instant attraction- nothing happened, between us- I then kicked my abusive, nasty bf out. This man supported me, listened, gave me a hug - and gave me to courage to be rid of my ex for good. A year later I started seeing him we have been together 23 years and I absolutely adore him. He is calm, steady, loving, funny and not abusive in any way.

Leave for yourself, yes spend time with people that are on your side, that genuinely care for you but build yourself first. Understand why you put up with the behaviour for that long (I was scared of the ex). Make sure you are in a position to be able to support yourself. We had no kids and the house was mine so that made it easier.

No she doesn't. It is far deeper psychologically than that.

Then the answer is to have far deeper psychological help not to line up and move on to the next available man on the assumption that no woman can exist happily without a man!

If it takes a new flame to leave the abusive relationship, that sounds like the start of a new cycle of abuse to me because OP is clearly vulnerable and lacks the self esteem to exist as a single woman. That is not something she ought to be encouraged to pursue. Nor is cheating on an abusive man when the consequences of him discovering this could be very dangerous!

Just to clarify some points.

I’m not leaving to move in with anyone.
I’m leaving because there is a life outside of abuse that I have slowly experienced since 2022. I have lived as a single woman, we sleep in seperate rooms, we don’t eat together, we don’t do anything that blurs the lines as a couple.

I have done the freedom programme, LAVA, and I have been in CBT for 16 months.

I am leaving because I’m stronger now than I have ever been. I didn’t realise until 2021 that I was actually being abused. I thought it was something I was doing wrong.

Have you got children @confession247

@confession247 is the tenancy ending/you’ve got a new place lined up?

I think it is great you are getting away from the current relationship but please take care.

Leave because he's an abusive wanker. Not because of another man. Presumably you thought the current guy was great at one point.