AIBU for feeling left out?

[CobhamMummy2008and2012]

Hello everyone I’ve been reading Mumsnet for years (literally since I was pregnant with DD1 in 2007!) but this is my very first time posting so please be kind…
One of my closest friends (known her since university) is getting married next year and last night the hen-do WhatsApp group popped up… except I’m not in it. It’s a spa weekend in the Cotswolds for 12 of her “favourite girls” and apparently I didn’t make the cut.
We’ve had playdates, been on holiday together, I hosted her baby shower, the whole lot. She’s already asked me to do a reading at the wedding so I thought we were properly close. I bumped into another friend this morning who’s going and she let slip it’s £450 each not including treatments.
I’m gutted and embarrassed and feel like I’ve been demoted to second-tier friend. DH says I’m overthinking it and these things are always about money/numbers but I can’t help feeling hurt.
AIBU to be this upset about a hen do? Or should I just smile and pretend I don’t know?
TIA and sorry for the essay on my first post!

I'd be absolutely mortified if my behaviour after a drink meant I wasn't invited to my friends hen .I think its time to do something about that or dont drink because really how embarrassing and your replies just got worse and worse like you see no issue despite everyone telling you it IS a problem . Yikes !
Frankly I wouldn't even want you at the wedding due to the risk you will ruin it and completely embarrass yourself and the bride in front of her in laws .

Ah I see. True.

I’m not going to reply with more of the same OP, sounds like you know what’s needed. I hope the reading goes well and they have a lovely wedding.

Honestly this is such a refreshing post. You felt left out, you ask, she replied and was honest and you took her reply with grace and will take it on board. If only all people were as mature as this.

The woman who shared an office with my DH got drunk at our wedding to the point of vomiting. We were all work colleagues. She also had a bit of a drunken rant at me at how I had been so undecided about dating DH, which was indeed true. My MiL then said to her in front of me how she always thought DH and aforementioned woman may have got together. Just a story of how alcohol at a wedding can be a big negative.

It’s good you have realised it’s a problem, good luck and I wojkd advise you to be totally teetotal at the wedding. I reckon you would say something you may regret as alcohol loosens the tongue and deep down you are embarrassed and upset about not being invited. See my above example.

I thought the same. I always try to read the OP and then vote on my own thinking rather than get swayed along with the majority - but in this instance the updates have made me wish I had read til the end first! x

Hope you stay sober for her wedding then

I didn’t get invited to a close friends Hen & noticed that two of her other friends hadn’t been invited either. (Different friend group, so I’m not close to them)

We went out for coffee a week or so after her Hen (she had messaged me several times asking, obviously felt guilty) she started crying saying her other two friends, had stopped talking to her “over her silly Hen” as she put it, I asked why we weren’t invited, it turned out her MIL to be had paid for the party house (one of those 8 bedroom country houses with pool/hot tub etc) and because of that her MIL only wanted it to be people she knew, which was basically her, her two sisters, her mum, SIL to be & two women who were partners of her sons (the groom) friends.

We’re still friends, but definitely not as close…. All felt a bit grubby, she wanted this picture perfect Hen, Insta photos in the hot tub, country walk, personal chef for the night! Just didn’t want 3 of her closest friends, if that had been me I would have politely declined my MIL’s offer & had one with my friends.!

I do understand you explained yourself already so please dont think im kicking it off again lol but I was responding to the post that came across as if thats what you was implying and I never said you had said this was a control issue, I was explaining my thoughts on why I didn't agree with your post. Apologies!

A friend organised my daughters hen do , opened up a what’s app group for everyone , later a few people who hadn’t been invited took offence ! It was a genuine oversight and not noticed at the time , the organiser didn’t know those not invited , it wasn’t for any personal reason just an oversight , the bride was already dealing with the wedding plans and left it to them x best ask when the date of hen do is ?

I was pretty much that person OP. I thought i was 'the fun one' but actually more often than not I was 'the obnoxiously loud one', or 'the sloppy drunk one'. I know the mortifcation/shame/denial when people try to raise it. I stopped drinking in February and it's honestly the best thing I have ever done. SO much happier now

@CobhamMummy2008and2012 one of your oldest, closest friends has not invited you to her hen do, because she's concerned about your behaviour when drunk.
Just seen that you now understand that you've got an alcohol problem - I hope you can get support to address it.

YANBU as you're entitled to your feelings and I agree with the PPs that asking about her plans would be totally fine if you're close normally.

It's strange but as you close just ask. Do you want to go

@DisruptiveCumin@Londonrach1 op has asked and been given her drunken behaviours as the reason for lack of invite.

You don't seem to be taking your drinking problem very seriously here.

Good on you for taking it on the chin! Maybe you could ask your friend if you could do something as a mini hen do maybe afternoon tea or something similar ❤️

I'd perhaps message her back and apologize for her feeling like you'd cause an issue and assure her you will not be doing that at the wedding. I'm sure it's hard to hear but it also seems as though she's a good enough friend to let you know it's causing problems. I'm certain she's not made the decision lightly but it is her night and she has every right to enjoy it without worrying it'll be ruined. You seem to be taking it well though at least

You actually sound quite proud of how awful, and embarrassing to other people you are when you're drunk. If you're not willing to temper it when you're out then no wonder people don't want you around. I've no respect for people who fail to consider how their behaviour affects others. Do you have a problem? Why do you feel the need to drink to excess and make a fool of yourself, and those with you. Do you really think it's acceptable to act like a young lad who can't hold his drink?
Oh and don't get at me for being a killjoy - I'm an ex squaddie myself, and wasn't above drinking a lot, however, I always knew when to stop before I made a right t*t of myself.
Have a word with yourself

Why does she want you at the wedding and not the hen do? I’d tell her to shove her wedding where the sun don’t shine .

Have you RTFT? OP has taken the feedback on board.

Some people need to come here just to feel moraly superior. RTFT doesn't compute to these types once they've started their self serving tirade. Hope she feels better about herself now.