AIBU for feeling left out?

[CobhamMummy2008and2012]

Hello everyone I’ve been reading Mumsnet for years (literally since I was pregnant with DD1 in 2007!) but this is my very first time posting so please be kind…
One of my closest friends (known her since university) is getting married next year and last night the hen-do WhatsApp group popped up… except I’m not in it. It’s a spa weekend in the Cotswolds for 12 of her “favourite girls” and apparently I didn’t make the cut.
We’ve had playdates, been on holiday together, I hosted her baby shower, the whole lot. She’s already asked me to do a reading at the wedding so I thought we were properly close. I bumped into another friend this morning who’s going and she let slip it’s £450 each not including treatments.
I’m gutted and embarrassed and feel like I’ve been demoted to second-tier friend. DH says I’m overthinking it and these things are always about money/numbers but I can’t help feeling hurt.
AIBU to be this upset about a hen do? Or should I just smile and pretend I don’t know?
TIA and sorry for the essay on my first post!

I have a friend who is an absolute liability when she is drunk. It got to the point when we were dragging her up the stairs to bed after a night out in front of her kids (who got up due to the commotion). She's now emigrated so I'm not sure if she's calmed down or not, I really hope so. Anyway, if I was getting married I'd have thought twice about inviting her to the hen do, even though I'm very fond of her.

That’s assuming she has a drink problem. I don’t think she has. I think the issue is how she behaves when she’s had a drink. The speeches are usually done before any heavy drinking takes place.

Agree with everyone else and glad you are taking it on board.
It sounds like your friend does value you, and is being honest - I'd thank her for being honest I think, and tell her you have taken it on board so she knows how you're feeling after her telling you the reason.

what happened to boozy nights out on the town wearing a veil having a dance and a meal? That’s too expensive

You’ve taken this all very graciously OP. It’s never nice to be confronted with how your behaviour impacts others. Good luck finding a healthier relationship with alcohol going forward x

Not at my wedding! We got married at 1pm then had an open bar until the meal and speeches at 4:30. Many people had had a skin full by then but thankfully everyone was well behaved.

Really? What would be the point of OP fabricating all this, unless you're thinking reverse? (FWIW, OP's not coming across that way to me.)

Yes I’m inclined to agree.

Hate say it OP, but you can’t get hammered and make an exhibition, if you are having a quiet spa day.

I have some friends I don't want at my wedding as they are a bad drunk. I love them, but I don't like them when they are drunk and they aren't capable of exercising restraint despite being adults.

Unfortunately some people apparently get pleasure from inventing a problem and seeing how many readers fall for it. I’m not saying the OP is one of those sad people, just that it seemed to me that she supplied the answer herself surprisingly quickly.

Yes I agree with this. She could have spoken to you about it rather than just exclude you.

I'm going to be Devils advocate

It's really bloody hard to organise a limited numbers hen do. Been there. It's inevitable that some people won't 'make the cut' who feel they should have done.

Tbh, when I got a snarky message from someone who was annoyed at not getting an invite, my immediate reaction was 'oh, fuck off' and I didn't see much of them after that.

Hmm. I've seen the phenomenon you describe too on here, lots of times - it definitely exists but if OP was doing this, she didn't leave much time for the part where people fell for it, so it'd seem like a lot of wasted typing for not much 'payout'. I got the impression (rightly or wrongly) that OP had possibly been evaluating her drinking and had been coming to a conclusion about it already, and that the thread was confirming her suspicions. I could be wrong obviously, but that's my take.

I don't blame him. Who wants to cringe through a wedding reception with an embarrassing spouse?

I'd be glad I wasn't having to spend £450 on someone else's do LOL. I wouldn't be keen on doing a reading at someone's wedding either unless I was very close.

Poor guy probably just wanted an enjoyable evening on his birthday. I'd have told him where to go if it was MY birthday, but would have respected his wishes on HIS birthday, and probably thought seriously about why he had to ask.

It sounds like your friend may not want to be upstaged on her own hen do.

This happened to me - someone I considered a really close friend, one of the people in whom I confided that I was eloping, she gave me my 'something borrowed', she was one of the first people I told when I got pregnant, I drove across the country to look after her when her marriage broke up etc etc. Anyway, she got married again and didn't tell me, let alone invite me. I found out about it on Facebook. To add insult to injury, it took place in a fancy hotel about 5 miles from where I live. I could have understood if it was a small wedding and they couldn't afford lots of people, but not even to invite me to the hen do hurt a lot. She came to mine - and my sister's!

I'm afraid it ended that friendship. It just seemed pointless continuing a friendship knowing that I didn't really mean anything to her. She's reached out a few times since and I've just fobbed her off, rather than saying anything and causing drama. I won't see her again.

ETA I've read the whole thread now and it's clearly about something very different! Dancing on tables had nothing to do with my situation! Ah well. Good luck to the OP with cutting back on the booze.

Yes. I have clarified that I meant it was up to OP to know and police her own limits. I should perhaps have worded my original comment more specifically.

I have clarified that I meant it was up to OP to know and police her own limits. She also seemed to think I thought her husband was being unreasonable, so clearly I should have been more specific.

Yep. I clarified this. My point was that the OP should know and police her own limits, not her husband. It quite literally isn’t up to him.

Yes. I explained this up thread. My point was that it’s up to OP to make this decision, not her husband. It literally isn’t up to him. It’s her responsibility. At no point have I claimed that ‘everything is about a man trying to control a woman’. I mean, there’s a whole world of things that are about that, but in this case it’s not pertinent.

I agree! How hurtful! Also she could have invited you and asked you to reign it in a bit.

What a strange thread. Tbh I don't understand why you've been invited to the after wedding. Perhaps she thinks your DH will control you? Maybe she's had a chat with him?

You're not really intending to quit the booze are you OP?

No. I didn't think so.

Perhaps consider getting some help from the GP or AA?

OP - we had a friend who is/was a nightmare drunk and we just don’t see her much and no longer invite her to things. No-one wants to have to manage an out of control drunk.

I say this with kindness - don’t wait until Dry January STOP drinking right now.
forever seems daunting I’m sure but start with a target of 30 days, or 50 days or 100 days. Your life will change immeasurably if you can give yourself that 100 day target then ‘see’ what happens after that.

Gawd that is embarrassing. It's a shame she didn't tell you they felt that way before. Like while it was happening. As it stands you seem to think it's all fun and games the way you are when drunk. So this must be a bit of a shock.

I guess you really do need to take a long look at your relationship with alcohol and maybe try and reign in your behaviour. The more times they see you can drink and still be reasonable, the more they'll want you around at things.