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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for feeling left out?

197 replies

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 12:28

Hello everyone I’ve been reading Mumsnet for years (literally since I was pregnant with DD1 in 2007!) but this is my very first time posting so please be kind…
One of my closest friends (known her since university) is getting married next year and last night the hen-do WhatsApp group popped up… except I’m not in it. It’s a spa weekend in the Cotswolds for 12 of her “favourite girls” and apparently I didn’t make the cut.
We’ve had playdates, been on holiday together, I hosted her baby shower, the whole lot. She’s already asked me to do a reading at the wedding so I thought we were properly close. I bumped into another friend this morning who’s going and she let slip it’s £450 each not including treatments.
I’m gutted and embarrassed and feel like I’ve been demoted to second-tier friend. DH says I’m overthinking it and these things are always about money/numbers but I can’t help feeling hurt.
AIBU to be this upset about a hen do? Or should I just smile and pretend I don’t know?
TIA and sorry for the essay on my first post!

OP posts:
CocoPlum · 07/12/2025 14:31

JoClogs · 07/12/2025 13:45

This feels like a clickbait thread.

Either that or you have a problem with alcohol that needs to be addressed if it's causing concern for your partner and also causing your friend to exclude you from her hen party. I'd recommend you get your liver scanned to see how much damage you've done to it.

Edited

Yeah I'm wondering if it's a reverse/OP is a friend of the bride but not the drunk friend. OP seems to be taking this "you clearly have a problem" very well considering ... it seems odd to me.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 07/12/2025 14:31

Weird thread.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 07/12/2025 14:33

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 07/12/2025 14:31

Weird thread.

In what way?

pinkdelight · 07/12/2025 14:42

Glad the reason has become clear and OP has taken it on board constructively. It sucks, but some people just don't mix well with alcohol and what feels to them like letting their hair down, is a switch in personality and behaviour that gets intolerable for those around them. I have a couple of friends who were like that and as soon as we were out of student era where it was less noticeable and more acceptable, it soon became a problem. It took longer for them to realise because people do put up with it to some extent and then avoid being around it, plus there's a lot of denial and normalisation - 'ha ha that's just me' and so on.

But it's never just singing and dancing on tables or even being 'a bit wild'. It's everything from boring, annoying and a liability to sometimes actively nasty and dangerous. One friend only realised her problem when she fell through a glass table and cut an artery. She realised she couldn't even have a drink because once she started, she couldn't stop. Thankfully both friends got help to change and are much happier and more balanced now. All of which to say, even though it hurt to get left out, it feels like a positive impact and here's to a non-wild wedding that you all can enjoy.

cripplinglyalone · 07/12/2025 14:43

OP, I think you showing incredible resilience and grace here taking these replies on the head and accepting the reason has been identified. Even if you suspected you might be a bit wild when drunk, it still hurts for it to be concluded like this.

I will gently agree with other posters that this might be time to have a look at how drink impacts you.

I had a very close friend who had an almost identical story to yours. He was clearly loved and valued and asked to be a big part of the wedding, but completely left out of the grooms two stag do's. He approached the groom and others who he could trust, and asked for specific examples. He always considered himself a fun drunk so what had gone wrong??

The main examples given were he became way less respectful of property and surroundings when drunk, so always started lighing up his cigarettes indoors in the hired airbnb's they had all been to, back home he even sneaked off to a friends kids' bedroom (kids were away) for a sneaky fag, giggling and opening a window like no one would notice. He did things like broke glasses in the airbnb and did an exaggerated 'shushhhhhh' giggle, while shoving the pieces under a sideboard with his foot. He peed in the gardens of the airbnbs, etc. When they were walking down the street, he called out to every stranger who went past, nothing lairy- just 'Oi Oi!!!!' type stuff. They were little things, but they all added up. No one had properly said to him 'hey these things make you less fun' (Hiring an airbnb is such a good example as one person books in their name, putting their profile on the line for feedback and needing each guest to be equally respecful) so I guess at some point the friendship group just took the wimpy route of booking without him and it sounds like maybe similar happened with you.

I do personally think your friend should have had a gentle talk with you even just to break the news that at this time plans had been made without you, but it is very sensitive. When I think about my own hen do, my best friend was just given a list of who I would love to invite and I knew very little more until we all arrived at the place they had hired. Same for the couple of hen-do's I have been fortunate enough to be asked to organise. SO there is a chance your friend had not so much say in who, what, when, where, and why.

It feels horrid right now, go to that wedding with your head held high and maybe consider sticking to soft drinks just so you know you can be your best self. Easier said than done, I know.

cripplinglyalone · 07/12/2025 14:52

Ohnobackagain · 07/12/2025 13:51

@CobhamMummy2008and2012 I don’t think she’s unreasonable to have concerns but she really ought to have been up front with you BEFORE some shit stirrer spilled the beans and you found out second hand and had to ask …

Agree here big time. Wondering of that same shit stirrer is one of the nasties here in the comments, only able to kick a dog when its down.

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 07/12/2025 14:53

God I hate reverse threads.

This thread should read “friend gets so pissed on nights out she’s an embarrassment but she doesn’t see it as a problem, she just sees it as a bit of singing and karaoke. It’s got so bad I haven’t invited her to my hen do, but now she’s found out. AIBU to tell her the truth?”

There is 100% no way the OP thought it might be her drinking which she talked about ever-so casually on here, and it was then confirmed and suddenly she’s had an epiphany.

myhaggisblewup · 07/12/2025 14:56

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 12:53

I can do the reading, but yeah, My hubby says I am a bit out of control when I've had one too many. I like to let my hair down because I don't get out much since having kids. I texted her, we'll see what she says

If your h is saying that, others must know it and tbh I'm not sure I would risk you 'misbehaving' and making a tit of yourself either even if you were my bf.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 07/12/2025 14:57

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 13:27

Yes, I can see that now. I used to think they were being controlling.

Probably that you've ruined events before and they don't want you ruining their hen night.

Nothing to say you have to stop drinking that's your choice, but you can't blame anyone who doesn’t invite you to their events due to you being 'wild'.

pinkdelight · 07/12/2025 14:59

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 07/12/2025 14:53

God I hate reverse threads.

This thread should read “friend gets so pissed on nights out she’s an embarrassment but she doesn’t see it as a problem, she just sees it as a bit of singing and karaoke. It’s got so bad I haven’t invited her to my hen do, but now she’s found out. AIBU to tell her the truth?”

There is 100% no way the OP thought it might be her drinking which she talked about ever-so casually on here, and it was then confirmed and suddenly she’s had an epiphany.

It's not screaming reverse to me. For a start, why would they bother doing it from that side? It's not a controversial angle that the friends are coming from so there'd be no need to mess about reversing. I don't think you can say 100% no way it's legit.

BlueMum16 · 07/12/2025 15:04

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 13:50

Thank you all for kicking me up the bum, I'll take this on board.

I really hope you do.

Sounds like she's a very good friend.

cripplinglyalone · 07/12/2025 15:05

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 07/12/2025 14:53

God I hate reverse threads.

This thread should read “friend gets so pissed on nights out she’s an embarrassment but she doesn’t see it as a problem, she just sees it as a bit of singing and karaoke. It’s got so bad I haven’t invited her to my hen do, but now she’s found out. AIBU to tell her the truth?”

There is 100% no way the OP thought it might be her drinking which she talked about ever-so casually on here, and it was then confirmed and suddenly she’s had an epiphany.

Well you haven't had your epiphany that you are a teeny bit of a cunt in the comments, so maybe don't be so quick to doubt.

TheLemonLemur · 07/12/2025 15:07

Did she discuss with your dh not inviting you? If not your attitude to drink very much sounds an issue that your partner guessed and friend confirmed it is why you are not invited. Loud, obnoxious drunk behaviour where you need to be centre of attention is really not attractive hopefully its the wake up call you need

HardworkSendHelp · 07/12/2025 15:08

Oh god OP, I have a few friends like you who are fabulous, I love them dearly, they bring so much fun to parties and events - BUT then they are a pain in the ass when they go too far. It’s a very fine line though as you don’t want to change your personality completely to just suit others.

pinkdelight · 07/12/2025 15:21

HardworkSendHelp · 07/12/2025 15:08

Oh god OP, I have a few friends like you who are fabulous, I love them dearly, they bring so much fun to parties and events - BUT then they are a pain in the ass when they go too far. It’s a very fine line though as you don’t want to change your personality completely to just suit others.

Thing is, I don’t think it is their personality after a certain point when the drink kicks in. They change and there’s no relation to how they normally are, so it’s not like there’s this ‘authentic self’ that anyone is objecting to, it’s the opposite. They love OP how she is and hate to see that disappear when the drink takes over too much. To frame it as a part of her personality worth preserving is the start of a road to no friends except other drunks who like to have people worse than them around.

HankyP · 07/12/2025 15:24

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 13:50

Thank you all for kicking me up the bum, I'll take this on board.

It's an awful way to realise, but at least you have. Huggles op

LlynTegid · 07/12/2025 15:25

Whilst I would be glad to have a reason not to go on such an event (or a baby shower), that's not the point. I'm not surprised how you feel.

schoolfriend · 07/12/2025 15:41

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 13:50

Thank you all for kicking me up the bum, I'll take this on board.

There’s lots of supportive threads of the alcohol section of MN. Some are for people trying to quit and some are for people trying to moderate. You will probably be inclined to try moderation first (and maybe that will work for you) but ultimately lots of people find quitting is both easier and the only viable option for them. Good luck OP. It take a grown up to take this on the chin and not get defensive.

Evaka · 07/12/2025 15:49

Hope you're ok OP. Glad you can see this was the kick in the arse you needed. A good friend of mine was left out of another friend's wedding entirely and never understood why- I presume it was because she's an absolute nightmare drunk. But the bride didnt have the balls to tell her. Your friend was right to be honest x

Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2025 15:51

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 13:15

Oh yeah, I told him where to go when he asked me not to drink on his birthday. But I know how he is.

Really?
Poor bloke asked you not to drink on his Birthday and you "told him where to go"?

hihelenhi · 07/12/2025 15:56

Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2025 15:51

Really?
Poor bloke asked you not to drink on his Birthday and you "told him where to go"?

Yes, and that's a classic example of resistance. But the OP now appears to have realised there is likely a problem with her drinking and that this incident, and the situation with the hen party, is a wake up call to take action.

YourWildAmberSloth · 07/12/2025 16:05

Your husband and your friend are not the problem OP. You seem to be minimising it. If people don't want you to attend because your behaviour is unacceptable, you need to have a rethink. You have children, it will affect them.

hihelenhi · 07/12/2025 16:08

YourWildAmberSloth · 07/12/2025 16:05

Your husband and your friend are not the problem OP. You seem to be minimising it. If people don't want you to attend because your behaviour is unacceptable, you need to have a rethink. You have children, it will affect them.

Have you RTFT? The OP appears to have recognised this and has said she is treating it as a wakeup call. Which is the right thing to do. Since she's already been humiliated in the "hen" situation, I really don't think there's any need to have more of a go at her. She knows.

CrochetCache · 07/12/2025 16:14

Have one too many before you do the reading, that’ll teach her for leaving the wild one out of the hen. 😂

LemaxObsessive · 07/12/2025 16:24

Didn’t RTFT!

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