Page 6 | AIBU for feeling left out?

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 2025-12-07T12:28:20+00:00

Hello everyone I’ve been reading Mumsnet for years (literally since I was pregnant with DD1 in 2007!) but this is my very first time posting so please be kind… One of my closest friends (known her since university) is getting married next year and last night the hen-do WhatsApp group popped up… except I’m not in it. It’s a spa weekend in the Cotswolds for 12 of her “favourite girls” and apparently I didn’t make the cut. We’ve had playdates, been on holiday together, I hosted her baby shower, the whole lot. She’s already asked me to do a reading at the wedding so I thought we were properly close. I bumped into another friend this morning who’s going and she let slip it’s £450 each not including treatments. I’m gutted and embarrassed and feel like I’ve been demoted to second-tier friend. DH says I’m overthinking it and these things are always about money/numbers but I can’t help feeling hurt. AIBU to be this upset about a hen do? Or should I just smile and pretend I don’t know? TIA and sorry for the essay on my first post!

Bones101 · 09/12/2025 00:20

OP you need to sort this drunk thing out especially as you have kids.. leave that to the teenagers.

MissDoubleU · 09/12/2025 00:55

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 12:48

I can really let my hair down, when I'm drunk. Nothing too bad but I enjoy singing etc

Show quote history

does this translate to making yourself the centre of attention? If it’s an expensive spa type place perhaps she doesn’t want the embarrassment of you making a “girls gone wild” scene while everyone else is behaving themselves?

ForeverHopeful3 · 09/12/2025 01:47

Any updates, OP???

You are not being unreasonable and if you are as close as you think/say, then just ask her quite literally "Hello, where is my invite?" and see what she says. It could just be a big oversight on whoever planned the thing!!!

McSpoot · 09/12/2025 02:10

ForeverHopeful3 · 09/12/2025 01:47

Any updates, OP???

You are not being unreasonable and if you are as close as you think/say, then just ask her quite literally "Hello, where is my invite?" and see what she says. It could just be a big oversight on whoever planned the thing!!!

Clearly, you didn't actually read any of the OP's updates.

JanitorLaidlaw · 09/12/2025 02:20

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 12:48

I can really let my hair down, when I'm drunk. Nothing too bad but I enjoy singing etc

Show quote history

Well here is your answer then. She's found your behaviour in the past not palatable although she values your friendship. I'd take this now as a wake up call.

Missey85 · 09/12/2025 02:25

I'm with your friend sounds like she doesn't want you to get pissed and ruin her night 🙁

AlwaysTheRenegade · 09/12/2025 02:47

@CobhamMummy2008and2012 you're one of the only posters that I've seen give full details of your situation, be honest about your part in your situation, take advice and own your shit!
Ignore mean people being catty after your updates. Wishing you all the best.
There are some good alcohol support pages on here aswell (not that you'd guess from some replies you've had 😄)

2021x · 09/12/2025 03:15

Well done OP for owning up to the problem, and taking it on the chin like a champ.

If you haven't read Rachels Holiday already you might find it quite useful. Its about someone who is in all honestly functional but when they start drinking hell breaks lose and it has affected their relationships without them knowing.

Best of Luck.

DangerousAlchemy · 09/12/2025 04:30

CobhamMummy2008and2012 · 07/12/2025 13:27

Yes, I can see that now. I used to think they were being controlling.

Show quote history

My DH has one flaw - he drinks too much. It's ruined a couple of memorable nights in our marriage tbh. We've been together since Uni (29 years & married 25 years & have 2 DC, 17 & 21). Because he drinks a lot I barely drink now and am always the sensible one & sometimes drive home from events (even though I now hate night driving as I'm 50). It's a PITA tbh. We had a 10th wedding anniversary party at a nice venue & he did loads of shots with footy mates then was sick all over our bedroom later while my parents were sleeping in the house & I spent ages cleaning it up (whilst crying) while he had passed out. We had a lovely night in London for our 20th anniversary & he drank too much one of the nights and got really argumentative and I ended up going back to the hotel alone and crying. He apologised the next morning but still. We went to Bruges for our 25th anniversary and guess what? He drank too much & really embarrassed me in a tiny bar, knocking his drink over, splashing a bloke, immediately ordering another one loudly. He's always drunk too much since I met him. If I ever leave him it will be over this. I'm worried he'll end up with liver disease/cancer because if it. & yes I ask him often not to drink so much - he knows how I feel but I'm not his keeper & he doesn't listen & he likes the taste he says. I have my own faults, of course, but drinking isn't one of them & it has shaped the course of our marriage and it makes me anxious at times. It's caused a he'll of a lot of arguments. Maybe this a wake up call for you OP?

NoisyViewer · 09/12/2025 05:15

Sunflower459 · 07/12/2025 13:15

It’s not up to him, though, is it? It’s up to you.

Show quote history

Whilst he shouldn’t dictate to her he is the one that has to look after her when she’s in this wild & annoying state. Whilst my h doesn’t do it everytime he’s out he is a very annoying when he’s drunk & it completely ruins my night when he gets in that state. If I see him downing beers like pop when he’s with a certain group of mates it definitely dictates my night. I have to slow down myself b/c I know at the end I’m the one up all night dealing with him.

Blizzardofleaves · 09/12/2025 05:25

I think there were kinder ways your friend could have let you know, and done xo discreetly. Choosing to leave you out of her hen party without talking to you first was actually very mean.

I posted earlier in the thread to say she was brave and honest, but actually I think the way she did it was humiliating and cruel.

A problem with drinking excessively is usually rooted in trauma and it is a coping strategy, there will be reasons why op feels like she drinks, and I imagine she can access counselling to look into it now. As well as GP support if she needs it, I am sorry your friend has done this, I imagine you are very hurt.

McSpoot · 09/12/2025 05:41

Blizzardofleaves · 09/12/2025 05:25

I think there were kinder ways your friend could have let you know, and done xo discreetly. Choosing to leave you out of her hen party without talking to you first was actually very mean.

I posted earlier in the thread to say she was brave and honest, but actually I think the way she did it was humiliating and cruel.

A problem with drinking excessively is usually rooted in trauma and it is a coping strategy, there will be reasons why op feels like she drinks, and I imagine she can access counselling to look into it now. As well as GP support if she needs it, I am sorry your friend has done this, I imagine you are very hurt.

It's possible that the friend did tell the OP about the OP's drinking in more subtle and discreet ways in the past. The OP mentions that her BF had, in the past, told her that she drank too much but that her response was, essentially, "you're not the boss of me". Possible that the friend had tried before, didn't get anywhere, and decided that this event warranted drastic action.

It is also possible, that the friend is a complete jerk, of course.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 09/12/2025 06:06

Sunflower459 · 07/12/2025 13:15

It’s not up to him, though, is it? It’s up to you.

Show quote history

Seeing the update, it seems maybe the husband was right.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 09/12/2025 06:08

Blizzardofleaves · 09/12/2025 05:25

I think there were kinder ways your friend could have let you know, and done xo discreetly. Choosing to leave you out of her hen party without talking to you first was actually very mean.

I posted earlier in the thread to say she was brave and honest, but actually I think the way she did it was humiliating and cruel.

A problem with drinking excessively is usually rooted in trauma and it is a coping strategy, there will be reasons why op feels like she drinks, and I imagine she can access counselling to look into it now. As well as GP support if she needs it, I am sorry your friend has done this, I imagine you are very hurt.

OP mentioned she thought people telling her about her alcohol problem were controlling- so maybe the friend just gave up and decided to avoid confrontation during a time that is quite stressful for her. The friend's role is not to be the therapist or work through OP's traumas. If you told something to a friend a 100 times and they ignore you, it's fair to assume that the other person doesnt care.

euff · 09/12/2025 06:12

Sunflower459 · 07/12/2025 13:15

It’s not up to him, though, is it? It’s up to you.

Show quote history

It’s isn’t on him but maybe he dreads dealing with the fallout. To not be invited on a hen because of her behaviour when drunk does imply it’s really, really bad.

Blizzardofleaves · 09/12/2025 06:16

HerNeighbourTotoro · 09/12/2025 06:08

OP mentioned she thought people telling her about her alcohol problem were controlling- so maybe the friend just gave up and decided to avoid confrontation during a time that is quite stressful for her. The friend's role is not to be the therapist or work through OP's traumas. If you told something to a friend a 100 times and they ignore you, it's fair to assume that the other person doesnt care.

Show quote history

100 times is unlikely, and I still wouldn’t treat a close friend or any friend like that, no. She really should have given op the heads up about the hen in advance.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 09/12/2025 06:33

She maybe thinks you are in it and it’s odd you haven’t replied 🤣 maybe ask her.

KrimboBell · 09/12/2025 08:00

If I had a friend who excluded me from her hen party because I’m a ‘bit wild’ and my husband was telling me the same, I’d be worried. I think you are minimising your binge drinking.
it’s no fun for anyone having to look after the pissed up friend on a night out.
Dry January is not the answer. I’ve known heavy drinkers do it and then go straight back onto the binge drinking.
if you can’t drink in moderation then you need to stop.

Howwilliknow122 · 09/12/2025 08:21

Sunflower459 · 07/12/2025 13:15

It’s not up to him, though, is it? It’s up to you.

Show quote history

Dont do that....
Hes allowed to tell her one drink only if shes a nightmare when drunk as op is putting it, if they are at a friend's wedding!! Not everything is about a man trying to control a woman, sometimes its just about having some common sense and trying to look out for your partner.

ChiliFiend · 09/12/2025 08:30

Howwilliknow122 · 09/12/2025 08:21

Dont do that....
Hes allowed to tell her one drink only if shes a nightmare when drunk as op is putting it, if they are at a friend's wedding!! Not everything is about a man trying to control a woman, sometimes its just about having some common sense and trying to look out for your partner.

Show quote history

I read that post as "it's not up to him [to control your drinking], though, it's up to you." Meaning the OP has to take responsibility for not getting too drunk rather than expecting others to manage it for her.

Boringmel · 09/12/2025 08:33

AlwaysTheRenegade · 09/12/2025 02:47

@CobhamMummy2008and2012 you're one of the only posters that I've seen give full details of your situation, be honest about your part in your situation, take advice and own your shit!
Ignore mean people being catty after your updates. Wishing you all the best.
There are some good alcohol support pages on here aswell (not that you'd guess from some replies you've had 😄)

Perhaps I’m over-suspicious but the offering of the probable reason, the acknowledgement of the problem and the chastened attitude and vows of change have all happened remarkably easily and quickly imo…

Howwilliknow122 · 09/12/2025 08:35

ChiliFiend · 09/12/2025 08:30

I read that post as "it's not up to him [to control your drinking], though, it's up to you." Meaning the OP has to take responsibility for not getting too drunk rather than expecting others to manage it for her.

Show quote history

I didnt read it like that. Only my opinion but when someone says 'its not up to him though, is it' , that's gives other vibes. If I wanted to relay to someone your interpretation of the post id say, dont rely on others to manage your drinking.

Alwaytired44 · 09/12/2025 08:45

It doesn’t add up to me that she would ask you to do a reading if you’re a wild drunk at events, surely there’s a chance you’ll be pissed before the ceremony. That’s a risky move asking you to do a reading and so to me, it doesn’t add up!! X

Joloman74 · 09/12/2025 08:52

Time to grow up i think instead of acting like a teenager that's been let loose. It's actually shameful and embarrassing! I wouldn't have invited you to the wedding. Sounds like you will spoil that too!

paradisecircus · 09/12/2025 08:54

I'm with the people who'd be relieved not to attend because of the bloody cost of it! Not the point I know. Hope you get an answer from her that makes sense to you.