We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

Even the Emiratis look down on each other depending on where the come from, or what surname they have

Well the British do that too tbf, codified by the class system.

But yes, going to Dubai to escape racism is wild.

I am so.sorry for all.you have faced. We have our one DC in private school too and it's an absolute killer since the jump.in fees at secondary school.and the VAT. He is so happy there and the thought of moving him is heartbreaking. He does have an academic scholarship which covers 10% of the fees, but it's still a lot of money to find. Does your school offer bursaries? Have you talked to them about your situation? When VAT was introduced, I had to as my parents to help, so they pay the VAT increase, for which I am beyond grateful. It was a very difficult conversation and I felt ashamed asking, but we desperately wanted to keep our son in the school. Good luck, OP.

Move. You don't have to live in a village full of narrow minded yokels who can't find the door to the big city. Move.

Better quality of racism ìn Dubai?

Agreed! There’s a hierarchy with Emiratis at the top followed by western expats then on down to the poorest foreign workers allowing the expats to feel rich by working for low wages looking after their kids, driving them around, cleaning up after them, building the pools and the buildings etc.
Dubai is one of the most racist places Inhave had the mispleasure of having to spend time in!

OP are you on school fees plan which takes it out monthly over 12 months rather than 3 huge term fees? I am a lone parent and had DD16 in private school since year 7 so I do understand the burden. If you are both NHS then can you move to a more mixed environment if you do need to take her out, somewhere like Oxford. Loads of good schools, mixed environment and plethora of NHS like the OUH.

Exactly, it will boost her daughters confidence seeing brown people who are slaves, how lovely.

As others suggested: can elderly parents or grandparents step-in and help financially? In your culture (and mine too) - the generational bonds are very strong and education is highly prized. I know my grandparents and parents have helped me with my children (tuition, etc.)

If this were my only child and her happiness depended on it then I would sell my house and rent somewhere or simply downsize. See where you can cut costs, make a list and be really honest with yourself.

It's not a quick fix, and some may view it as a rather dramatic answer, but can you completely move area, to a city, which is more ehtnically diverse? I can't say there still won't be racism, but at least she won't feel like she stands out so much. The key point is, you have another option - to completely move away - that you may not have considered. I appreciate your husband has family in your current location, but the needs of your daughter come first.

It's horrible what happened to your daughter. But ultimately, the vast majority of people cannot afford to pay for private school, and it sounds like you are not among the minority who can. Your husband may not want to move but he needs to prioritise his child. Moving from your big LPG-powered country house into a more diverse urban location will solve both problems - your child will be happier in a state school that is not so unacceptable of other cultures, and you will save on private school fees, plus you would have a cheaper mortgage

I’d be ashamed to be asking ‘elderly’ anyone to help fund my lifestyle when I earn enough money myself because I want luxuries.

Bullying can happen at any school though, free or paid!

Luxuries like safe education?

Many trusts/UHB have recruitment freezes and some are offering voluntary redundancy. NHS jobs can be hard to find especially at band 7 upwards

I am sorry this your experience. It looks like you’ll have to move your daughter unless you can do any of the things suggested by @MincePudding suggests. You don’t say what your ethnicity is. I can suggest is that you visit one of the boards on here relevant to your ethnicity (or not) and ask for school recommendations local to you.

Racism has always been an issue and it’s on the rise. The card carrying racists are more confident and liberals love equality right up until a brown person actually needs supporting against racism.

OP, can you remortgage your house and remove equity for school fees? Is a house move not possible? You could downsize and use the cash for fees? We are in a similar position, but are not in the private school system for the same reasons, although we do feel that small-mindedness in state settings plays a large part in our choosing to pay fees.

The only alternative isn't private school.

How much are the annual school fees?

Completely wrong. I live in outer London and children of different ethnicities mix together very well. Perhaps consider moving to a nice part of outer London.

You can’t afford private school. Get your daughter into a half decent state school. There are 1000s in the UK that don’t have major issues with racism. If you need to move from your village in order to achieve that then do it.

There are plenty of diverse state schools in the UK and not all in cities, far from it. Absolutely no need to be paying for private school fees that you can't afford.

Let’s not pretend that the only safe education is a private education. Thats BS. For what it’s worth 2 friends have pulled their children from private education into state because of the horrendous bullying they were enduring in private school.
One - money no object and the other was on a full sports scholarship. And still the local state secondaries have been safer for both children.

Is there a rule on mn that first reply must be unhelpful? I think people post here so someone might come up with something that helps!

Pukkajones

the only thing is op’s particular safe school is private, she’s tried two other schools

If you live in an area where the most diversity is in private schools and you are unable to move anywhere else, then yes, that's the only safe education for you.