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Original poster

We can’t afford to live anymore

524 replies

ThatNavyPoster · 07/12/2025 08:16

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

OP posts:
ChristmasHug · 07/12/2025 08:31

Sounds like you can take dd out of school, earn more or downsize your house. None are palatable options but I'd imagine it's really school or house.

How many years til high-school? Any relatives willing tongue you a loan with payment of deferred til then?

I know several people who sacrifice all to send their kid private and they aren't on large incomes and just about manage. Is there a cheaper school?

Overthebow · 07/12/2025 08:32

Move areas entirely and out her in state school. Many areas are not like this, we are in the south east and in a good state school which is quite diverse and have not heard of any issues with racism. My dd is white but has friends of lots of nationalities and there’s no problems. It mayo you all good to live to a completely fresh area.

oneinataxioneinacar · 07/12/2025 08:32

I heard far more racist comments when I was at private school than I ever did in a state school. Although the bullying tended to be subtler and more insidious so it was harder to tackle.
It sounds like you just need to research a decent state school

Or there are charities out there that help with school fees. You should

Egglio · 07/12/2025 08:32

I'm also sorry that happened to your DD and your family. I totally understand why you would now want to keep her in the school she is in and why you feel overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed stood us from seeing all the choices we might have available to us. PP have made some good suggestions. I hope you find a way forward.

ThejoyofNC · 07/12/2025 08:34

Sorry I didn't bother to read the OP. You can't afford to live but you have a child in private school? It's obvious what the solution is.

Edit because pressed send to soon.

ChristmasinBrighton · 07/12/2025 08:35

You can’t afford private school.

Redcliffe1 · 07/12/2025 08:35

How about switching to an interest only mortgage until she is out of school?

Maray1967 · 07/12/2025 08:36

OP, there must be schools in your area, or where you could move to and keep your jobs, where the intake is diverse.

Your priority is your DD, not caring for elderly grandparents. Don’t stay in this village if you need to get out. Other family members or the care sector will need to be involved with the grandparents.

Luxio · 07/12/2025 08:37

You need to move area and take her out of the school. Your idea of not being able to live because you've chosen to use private education no matter what the reason is hard to justify against those who genuinely cannot afford to heat their homes and put food on the table.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 07/12/2025 08:38

I'm very sorry that your DD has experienced this.

My (white) children attended a small village school where there was only one black family. No racism as far as I was aware, but that might not have been the case. However, they attended a comprehensive with a diverse pupil intake.

Your DD is now secondary age. Is there a state secondary with much more diversity? I.would have a look at your local secondaries.

If you're determined to keep her in her current school then you need to move to a much smaller property to release money. However I would look at your state school options first.

somanysugababes · 07/12/2025 08:38

I’m surprised it’s not racist at the private school. My Dd went private for part of secondary and it was the worst ever - full of posh white kids who just thought it was really funny to be racist (and sexist) whereas their state schools are far more diverse and tolerant. Maybe depends on the country where you are.
in your situation I would downsize to release some equity if it’s that important that she stays.

CoralPombear · 07/12/2025 08:38

Speak to the school, see if there is any financial assistance on offer. If not, you’re going to have to pull her out. Racism should have been dealt with properly by the school though, especially at such a tiny age, I don’t agree with your daughter being the one to be pulled out when she had done nothing wrong.

Coconutter24 · 07/12/2025 08:39

Did you ever speak to the school about the bullying? You can afford to live you just can’t afford the life you want. If you want to go out for meals and holidays then you need to put DD back into state school. You can’t afford it all so you have to prioritise what you want more. Both school, eating out and holidays are all luxuries

DontStopMeNowGoodTime · 07/12/2025 08:39

ThejoyofNC · 07/12/2025 08:34

Sorry I didn't bother to read the OP. You can't afford to live but you have a child in private school? It's obvious what the solution is.

Edit because pressed send to soon.

Edited

She has her DD in private because of the bullying she endured in two state schools.
Her DD cut off her curly hair and drew on her hands with pink marker.
Context is key.

Endofyear · 07/12/2025 08:40

If I were you, I'd be looking to move to a less rural, more diverse area and putting your child into a state school. My children are mixed heritage and apart from the odd occasion, have not experienced racism. Their friendships groups are ethnically diverse. We live in a medium sized town, just outside a capital city.

sammyspoon · 07/12/2025 08:41

From what I understand, the problematic school was a small village primary? And now she’s in y7. What are the options for state secondary? Most large secondary schools are surely more diverse? Have you looked at all your options?

Ophy83 · 07/12/2025 08:42

If your daughter is now in year 7 you won't be returning her to the same system - secondary schools are much bigger and likely to be more diverse than a village primary.

Original poster
ThatNavyPoster · 07/12/2025 08:42

Thank you for the kind posts, I want to read through them properly and respond. I’m just leaving the house now, but I really appreciate all the advice. It’s true I am overwhelmed and it’s difficult to see all the options when you feel that way, it’s helpful seeing it written down objectively in the advice from others.

OP posts:
ThisMintSwan · 07/12/2025 08:42

You'll have to take her out of private school. Move house if necessary. It's not right, but this is exactly why we didn't consider living rural.
But as others have said, what is the local secondary like? Surely very different to a village primary?

Ineedanewsofa · 07/12/2025 08:43

I know you are getting a hard time @ThatNavyPoster we also moved DC to private due to bullying and poor quality local provision. No more bullying issues and a much happier child who is doing really well. Our private school is actually much more diverse because it is in a city than the suburban state school DC went to previously.
Seriously look into switching mortgage products and/or equity release if you are determined to stay put. Also discuss with the school in case there are options they don’t like to advertise. Good luck!

GwendolineFairfax8 · 07/12/2025 08:43

It is so sad to read about your daughter cutting her hair etc. What sort of message are other parents sending to their children to bully like this.

As she is thriving in her private school, I would write to the Board of Governors telling them all you have told us and begging them to reduce/defer the fees and saying you will sign to keep it confidential.

The alternative is that the school will lose all the income you provide - and show a lack of compassion towards your child. Schools do have some flexibility with regards to fees which I know from experience. I negotiated a £75k reduction over 5 years ago - which was not means tested but still crucial to our budget.

Whaleandsnail6 · 07/12/2025 08:43

It's clear you cant afford private school

Could you look at some state schools further out of your village now that daughter is secondary school age? Maybe even downsize to a smaller house in a bigger area than the village? State Secondary schools tend to be larger and more diverse than primary

I'm disgusted that the previous 2 schools didn't tackle the bullying that your daughter went through. Thats a massive failing on the schools part

Squishedpassenger · 07/12/2025 08:43

How did you end up in this village? Can you move nearer a city?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/12/2025 08:44

ThejoyofNC · 07/12/2025 08:34

Sorry I didn't bother to read the OP. You can't afford to live but you have a child in private school? It's obvious what the solution is.

Edit because pressed send to soon.

Edited

You should have the decency to read the OP before commenting.

YellowCherry · 07/12/2025 08:44

You need to find a diverse state school. There are loads of them about, but small village primary schools are typically not diverse. My kids are at state secondary school and there is a lot of racial diversity.

Most people can't afford private school.