We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

We're not in a SW school, unfortunately. And she's moved from an all girls to co-ed.

You could:

Speak to the school in the first instance, ask what support they could offer

I would also research if they have any alumni (particularly the same ethnicity to you although in theory everyone should be able to empathise) and perhaps write them a heartfelt letter asking for any support - I know this feels grubby but people really do want to help

Write down all your income and outgoings - what can you cut?

Can you or your husband start something small on the side? Do you have any specialist skills or experience people are after?

Could you remain in the same area but downsize?

Any opportunities at work? Any promotions you could go for?

It’s highly emotional what you’re feeling but have a frank conversation with your husband and try to take the emotion out of it. Think ‘gun to my head if I had to make this money how would I do it.’

Im so sorry your daughter has experienced such hatred, she’s very lucky to have caring parents like you.

Problems are everywhere that is the reality.
We have had a large influx of Chinese/hong kongers and there are issues. I live near a school and they are having issues due to this...they are not being accepted and this is a diverse area.

They can’t be doctors - non-consultants can’t work in the private sector, and consultants would not be eligible for 30 hours childcare.

Yes, I was wondering if they're nurses or physios or something.

Interesting. We have a similar problem. We suspended some yr9s for anti Chinese racism. The suspended students were from Syria, but that's a whole other problem.

The change in a short period of time especially since Hong Kongers started leaving HK over last few years has caused problems at the school and wider community...there has been a large increase and it is like a social engineering experiment gone wrong. School is battling to deal with the problems.

Its odd how many posters push unemployment as a way to solve all problems in life.

It's a really tricky issue to deal with. I think governments have a lot to answer for in ignoring warnings about a lax attitude to immigration. Countries that have been overall good places for differernt people to live have become increasingly fraught.

And it's especially hard for kids because they hear things but don't really understand so just parrot stuff back. I also think that schools and society increasingly highlighting racial issues has been a problem, it accustoms the kids to think in terms of race all the time (and I see this reflected constantly now on the internet.) I think this is happening more than ever. And also you will get some kids that push back against anything the establishment tells them is really important. 50 years ago those kids pushed back against religion, now it's secular social justice stuff.

I think in the OPs situation the only thing to do is take a hard look at priorities. For myself I would probably prioritise school. I also would try not to move far from family. So I would sacrifice the house and move to something differernt/smaller. (In practice my dp would not likely prioritise the same way which would require significant negotiations.)

No. It's not the fault of schools. We've been working hard for equality and inclusion for decades, and trying to create safe and harmonious spaces.
Cheap dig at teachers and schools, as per.

I agree with this.

However, I do know plenty of people who started to home educate because they felt they had to, and really loved it and did well with it.

People sometimes think it requires some special teacher training, and it really doesn't. Teacher training can be pretty shit anyway, but even when it is good the things it covers are often not that relevant to teaching your own child.

You know what they say about the road to hell.

Nothing is totally the fault of any one person or group, but the fact that they are "trying to create inclusion" does not automatically mean they are doing so in a way that will be effective.

OP

Stick with an independent school for as long as you can within your budget, and ask the school about any programs they offer to support parents struggling with fees. Then consider switching to online schooling or hiring private tutors. Home education is much more affordable than independent schools and, in many cases, preferable to state schools, as it helps avoid dealing with bullies and the strong culture of bullying often found in state schools.

As parents, it's your duty to protect your daughter, since no one else will.

I also suggest using AI platforms for helpful advice rather than judgment, like here on Mumsnet. I don’t recommend any online forum as a place for advice.

Being repatedly, physically attacked is much worse than being called names.

I learnt to ignore/not care about other people's WORDS. If you think that makes me a racist, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man...😊

The easiest thing?
Blame "schools", because people with little knowledge of pedagogical change and pastoral systems over the last 30 years can spout any nonsense.
Teachers and schools are the punchbag of the Right. It's always the same.

Step 1 has to be to reach out to the school (probably the bursar) and ask to set up a meeting to discuss potential support. Lay out what you've said here, including why it was feasible for you to pay full fees when she first moved then, but it's not any more.

Then sit down and consider your options - is there any other schools you could consider? Realistically, the best time to consider this would have been at the start of year 6, for a move at the start of year 7, where everyone is new, and looking to make new friends. Make a list of all the schools she could reasonably get into and attend, and have a look at their website, set up some visits etc. Speak to pastoral support on your visits and say, explicitly 'our daughter has been bullied due to her race in the past. Tell me a bit about how you have handled this when it's been an issue in the past here? What % of your students aren't white? What measures do you have in place around anti-racism, and support for students?'
Weigh up your options - if there's a couple of schools you think 'absolutely not' that's fine, but hopefully there's be a couple that are possible.

It sounds like your options are you move her schools soon-ish, or you move to a much cheaper house soon-ish, or you increase your household income by doing something you're not keen on. Have a think about how all these options would work, and what the knock-on impact would be if you did any of them.

Good Luck - it's a difficult decision with lots to consider.

Not much comfort to OP, is it?

White people need to challenge racism more, not just accept it as a fact of life.

This smacks of poor misunderstood racists to me.

but she's not 'a young child' that can't be left alone at home at all.

i didn't say which options I thought were best for her schooling.

Yes, the thing is that her parents are short of money and need to be out earning. However. They can't go on, so definitely need to explore options.

This! Try a 2 bed terrace in a so-so part of town and keep going with the school as it seems to be the only one that works.

Are you medics? Can you do private work in a clinic or something to supplement your income?

All your posts are very dramatic!

Saying "It's between my daughter giving up her family and all the support that comes with that" sounds as though your only option is never to see any of them again, whereas in reality most people are suggesting you move an hour or two to the nearest city. She might not see her whole extended family every single day/week but neither do most people!

You can still see them on weekends, holidays etc, and even move back in a few years. Hundreds of thousands of families move home every year, and many have a lot less choice about it than you do (people in rented properties whose landlords give them notice, women and children fleeing DV, people not being able to pay their mortgage for whatever reason).

You have pretty much guaranteed careers, the opportunity to earn more, family support, only one child, your health, own your own home, the ability to drive, each other - the bullying was a horrible thing to happen but ultimately your dd is in a far better position than the majority of children worldwide, or even in the UK. Don't over catastrophise things.

@latetothefisting couldnt agree more- even the title is melodramatic - what OP means is I can’t afford to do private school anymore- big news is neither can most of the population