We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

Well in that case OPs daughter is going to have to toughen up a bit if it’s happening across the board at school level , schools need to come down hard on it too - - being honest I’m only going from my experiences and saw it far more in my hometown , which was white working class.

Your in the north east. Surely there's a diverse secondary school nearer to cities such as Durham/Newcastle?

RhododendronFlowers · Today 23:13

70s American racism was far worse than you could imagine... UK is much LESS RACIST than the USA which is why OP needs to help her child learn to deal with and overcome negativity, rather than running away, and becoming victims and financially ruined. IJS...

She knows that.

I would do anything and everything to keep her there.

Remortgage, interest only, smaller house, whatever is needed.

This probably reflects current affairs as we're entering a period of tension if not hostilities with China... The Chinese here will likely face more discrimination and canceling, I think. Our friends stopped considering the US unis a while ago and said it was tough for the Chinese there, perhaps it comes over here now...

Mine is younger so probably oblivious to that. They definitely discuss bullying incidents but have never mentioned racism yet.

If your both higher up in nhs are you driving to one of the larger hospitals in the north east?

Look at schools near hospitals. Its not unusual for kids to commute to newcastle on the train for secondary school.
My friend used to get two buses and metro for high school.

In your situation, if you can, I would look for new jobs and move with DD to a large town or city that is far more ethnically diverse so she won’t stand out or be bullied. I’m so sorry, OP.

Year 7 isn't 'a young child' they have family in the village, on the same property even.

Quite possibly. It's such a darn shame, really.

Hopefully your young ones remain untainted for a long time, as it's such ugly behaviour and so unpleasant for those it's levied against.

Move to city. There are loads of nhs jobs in cities, they are diverse and great places to raise kids. Your daughter will be glad you did when she’s a teenager with lots of exciting stuff to do on her doorstep.

You could eat less and use the car less, have a spending routine and try saving certain amounts of money. Its either this or you move to somewhere cheaper. I wish you all the best.

Send her to state school..

Racism isnt graded like that by anyone but racists.

I’m really sorry what happened to your daughter, that is shocking and horrendous. I personally would have moved to a more accepting and diverse community before I considered private school. Mainly because I couldn’t have ever afforded that without selling off my own organs. I say this as someone who has moved me and my kids twice for a better quality of life btw. The first time because we couldn’t afford to live in the south east where I grew up.

I really hope you find a solution for your daughter.

OP sorry you are going through this.

Not sure if this has been mentioned already, but see if your bank is signed up to the mortgage charter. If you’re up to date with repayments it lets you switch to interest only for 6 months or extend your mortgage term which might give you a bit of breathing room?

I went to school in the North East a long time ago , I got called racist names every day, the small villages are full of racist folk, indeed Durham now has a reform local government .

Please don't prioritise helping grandparents over your daughter.
The memories of the name calling don't ever leave you.

Newcastle is way better for us and my mixed race children were mostly fine, its much more diverse here .

Visit the grandparents at the weekend ?

I sent my youngest private for SEN reasons, and they do tend to be better at sorting out any behavioural issues very swiftly , they may offer a bursary if you ask them .

It's better for her to be in school than being on her own regularly like that.

Lots of mentions of home education. Home education can be great but to do it well you have to
A. Want to
B. Have some sort of home ed community around you that you can get involved in and/or a strong friendship group or some sort of activity they're very involved in that provides plenty of social opportunities
C. Time to take them to stuff, even if you work as a team with other parents so that you're not doing it all.
D. A clear eye on the child's future so that their options are wide open post 16.

The sort of home education that people did during lockdown is miserable and to do that for five long years is probably not serving the best interests of 99% of children.

Yes, @ContentedAlpaca - plus the child will be very isolated.

Everyone seems to think home ed is some sort of really easy and viable alternative, that you can just start any time with no planning or thoughts.

99% have got no clue how to teach their kids or provide an effective education from home, and have no plans about employability etc for an adult with no qualifications or whatever etc.

It's the MN solve the education problem... Akin to "take in some ironing" or "get a better paid job"

Quite! It's really not a solution at all, for most people.

Not if its done well - see points b and c about providing plenty of social opportunities, but home education is clearly not a solution in this case. You can't just sit a kid at a kitchen table for 5 years.

It would need a very engaged parent/caregiver for at least the first 3 years and a very motivated child with their own good connections in years 10 and 11. Two people working for the NHS likely do not have the job flexibility or desire to reduce an income stream, especially when finances are already a worry.

Our friend has two mixed race daughters in a well known private girls school in SW London. He has never complained to us that they have experienced racism, and I am sure he would have done, if they had!