We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

If the local schools have so much racism then it’s likely to be in the community too, which is awful and would absolutely have me thinking that I would need to move to a more diverse area.
We moved to a more diverse area when I was pregnant with 1st child to make sure that child would have the best chance.

I feel bad for you DD but private school fees are extortionate so it’s no surprise you’re struggling financially. Are there no other state schools (diverse in nature)?that are available for year 7? If not moving could be the answer (although that’s not cheap either).

It’s not a dramatic answer at all. If OP suspects that there are no suitable state schools within reasonable commute, moving is the only solution really.

This!
Sorry.

Came straight to the end of the thread to say how ridiculous the idea of escaping racism in Dubai is. Really glad others have clarified that absurd notion. Really it depends on what shade of brown you are but believe me if it’s the wrong one you will be lowest of the low in Dubai.

if that sounds awful, im phrasing it within that context as racism out there is another level.

Can you drastically downsize temporarily for a few years until school has finished? I think I’d prioritise my daughter’s happiness at this point because if not it could have very long term effects. Or consider homeschooling with a mixture of online schooling and private tutoring? There will be a way, but there is going to have to be big compromises.

When racism or private schools come into the mix its almost mandatory.

Primary schools.

Her daughter is now in Year 7 and there may be some high schools in the surrounding area that are more diverse.

Or look in to moving areas since if the local schools are all racist, the area must be incredibly racist too and I wouldn't want to live there.

There is huge racism in Jamaica! A friend grew up there. It's just against different races there.

You are minimising ops experience though. "That isn't my experience at all" yet you're not brown or black? Don't police how other people label themselves or identify.

Move to a smaller house in a more diverse town and send your daughter to the local state school where there’s a higher proportion of non white kids than where you’re currently living. You don’t have to live there forever, just long enough for your daughter to finish her GCSE’s.

If you save enough, you can always move to private for A’levels if that suits her best.

Can you speak candidly to the private school about this? Back in the 90s there was a wider range of scholarships and bursaries, so for example I got a scholarship for all round ability giving me a third of fees. I'm not exceptional but was very good at a couple of subjects. These kind of scholarships don't really exist anymore but only reason I was put forward was that we asked the headmaster. So I wouldn't rule out a conversation before you withdraw her.

You can’t afford to rent a car, get rid of that and buy a second hand car, you don’t have to spend a lot, £4-6k will get something great and the repayments over 12-18 months are likely similar to your rental car. Its also bonkers that you rent an EV, yet choose to spend almost £500 a month on petrol, why wasn’t the EV being used for the school run?! If you want to stick with a second EV buy a second hand one, you can get leafs with good batteries for £5-6k.

What were the secondary schools like when you looked around, which one stood out?

Oil heating is expensive, the people I know who have it all use a combination of the fire and electric plug heaters as it works out significantly cheaper .

Are you maximising the rent on the annex, or renting it below market value? Would it not make more financial sense to live in the annex and rent out the house? Whats the difference between the total cost of a normal house, versus one with an annex, the rent, costs of being a landlord etc?

What about the autumn budget will finish you off? Income tax isn’t changing, the only thing that may change is a mansion tax, which if your eligible means you are either living hugely out of your means, or you have picked an incredibly expensive public school.

The area you live in led to your daughter hating herself, not the state system, my husband was horrendously bullied at both of his public schools, he is still well aware that it wasn’t the system that bullied him, nor is the system the problem. I’m South Asian, we moved a lot, so I attended three primary schools and three secondary, all state, all in smaller market towns, I was often the only non-white child. I had one experience of racist bullying, the state system isn’t a hot bed of racism.

What tax rises in the budget are particularly worrying you?

Great post, @Simonjt .
My children went to very diverse state schools, they didn't experience racism. The secondary school had very robust policies.
Good points about the house as well.

Oil heating is expensive, the people I know who have it all use a combination of the fire and electric plug heaters as it works out significantly cheaper .

Oh no, can't agree with this at all.
We had oil for years because of no gas but when did get gas we noticed very little difference in cost or even an increase with gas.

We used to fill the oil tank when fuel was at its cheapest- often in summer.

Not everyone has a coal fire (if that's what you mean) , coal isn't cheap nor are logs, and electric heaters just burn money-literally.

Interest only mortgage for a few years might free up some spare cash

Racism is the most stupid reason to pick on anyone cos underneath our skin, we're all the same and most races are mixed anyway!

A couple of Sri Lanka medics told me they were hounded out of an area in B'ham that they settled in. I was shocked, it's a 'nice' area, but obviously has many delinquent and/or unintelligent residents.

It sounds to me like a chat with the head teacher is needed. Your DD can't go back to those schools if they can't deal with racism.

Could you relocate? Small villages/towns may breed small mindedness.

I am so sorry you have had to put up with this , you must be so sad for your daughter.
the fees were always a stretch rather than comfortable for it to be this bad. So
you need to list out your outgoings and see if you can cut back on any of the major ones.
that is likely going to mean school fees or mortgage if things are as bad as you say. Trimming back on the food shop and subscriptions are likely to be too minor.
has your daughter reached year 7 yet, as this might be the time to integrate her back into the state system, private fees only go up as they get older. A secondary school is going to be more diverse as it will be so much bigger. Make sure you choose a good one, you could move if needed.

I find your post strange that at no point do you mention that you spoke to the schools your DD was at to resolve the bullying issues.

I'm so sorry for your daughter. And for you, although what you can't afford is a privilege, you can clearly afford to live and I do find equating the two quite insulting.

You will need to talk to her school and find out if there is anything you can do. And if not, look into other state schools. I sincerely hope you are able to find one where your daughter thrives.

My husband is mixed race. I’ve written about it on here before, but I don’t think it’s necessarily always relevant. I was writing about the village school experience. I was genuinely shocked as I simply can’t imagine it happening in my village. Others have said the same about their town, city or school without backlash. There is a genuine problem on mums et with certain posters classifying all villages as endemically racist. It’s not true.

If your DD is in Y7 then I would think that most secondary schools in the UK are pretty ethnically diverse. Moving schools so often will not be good for her, bullies should be challenged, not run away from.

Could you have not tried a different state school? Plenty of them have some diversity.

She says in the first post "We tried to work with the school to address the bullying".