We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

If there is such a school near her

Have you investigated the state secondary schools now she is Year 7?

Primary schools are much smaller so I can understand in a rural location they might not be very diverse but state secondaries might be different as they take in from a wider area.

Also she is Y7 so getting older and could probably cope with a longer journey on her own now - plenty of kids travel on buses, trains etc from Y7 onwards in cities.

Obviously you are going to have to make a different choice because the private school option isn't for you if you can't afford it.

You need to investigate secondary schools in your area and consider a longer journey.

Sorry about the unsympathetic responses OP. I do feel for you, we all want our children to be OK. I feel ashamed that we live somewhere that small children exhibit that kind of racism - obviously learned from parents. Awful.

I don't have any solutions to suggest but I hope you can find a way to make it work.

I'm so sorry your daughter experienced racism at the local primary school OP. That's absolutely unacceptable. It is ridiculous to suggest that private schooling is the only solution though.

Your poor child, what an awful thing to go through.

Honestly your DH needs to decide what’s more important - the village he grew up in or his DDs happiness - for me it would be a no brainer.

You either need to move to a cheaper area or move DDs schools.
You cannot have both.

And although I feel so sorry for your DD, you seem quite ignorant.
You are a two parent family both with good incomes, you own a house with an annex and your child goes to private school - you don’t seem to realise what a privileged position you are in.
Most people would never have the option to put their child into private school.

This is a pretty easy solution but you and DH need to decide what’s more important - keeping DD in her school or moving to a cheaper area/downsizing.

She's in high school now so wouldn't be going to the same school.

Unfortunately, the reality is that even if a child is bullied, the vast majority of people can't afford private education and have to come up with other solutions.

I knew people would just see that your DD goes to a private school and be shirty with you. I never understood why some people made it so hard on themselves in order to send their children to private school. But there are many threads with children who who have been bullied at school which did nothing to address it and their parents sent them to private as they had no other option. It doesn't have to be racism but they are both essentially bullying. I have never been in your shoes OP but it is hardly unimaginable.

Probably if you move to a city suburb you will have to pay much more for a smaller property. But according to many posts others starve so you experiencing racism is ok by comparison and don't be so silly! Another race to the bottom.

This too.
That part of your post is a bit odd and I wonder what the immediate impact of the recent budget has actually been?

Sounds like a difficult situation, but I'm confused about which "autumn budget tax rises" are going to finish you off? There were no increases to income tax. Are you talking about the "mansion tax"?

Often rural secondaries aren’t very diverse either as it’s just multiple village schools that make up the intake.

To be honest I’d have thought in your situation you’d have been able to afford it for 1 child? Could you get through til y11 and move them for 6th form?? Otherwise I probably would downsize and move to the nearest city state secondary that’s decent. However she may have to wait for a space if she’s y7 now.

Only you will know what the best option is.

If you’re both NHS can’t you both pick up extra shifts at the weekend? Depending on your job roles
or a second weekend job if not.

Exactly 👍

many kids are bullied

it is awful / should never happen / inexcusable

however … vast majority of families have to address it in some way that does not include private school fees ….

you can’t afford the fees = you can’t afford the fees. I’m not sure what anything else people can say / what you expect ??

ps - I am very aware of the repercussions of bullying and in no way wish to minimise the damage it brings

Secondary schools are much bigger and so more likely to be diverse and (hopefully) have more robust policies in place to deal with any racism, than a small village primary,

Check out the few nearest you on the socials and see the mix of children and then go and visit them.

Ask the grandparents for financial help? Lots of kids at private school are paid for by family money. Get better paid jobs? Put the rent up on the Granny annex? Get a second job? I feel for you op. you shouldn't have to go to such extreme lengths to stop your child being bullied. Presumably she has one more year at primary school so can you focus on funding that for now and maybe find out what her friends are doing for secondary school. Their parents may be in the same boat.

Dubai is incredibly racist. The whole area is built on racial hierarchy. When I lived there my South African friends were astonished how racist it was. When people who have lived through apartheid are aghast at the open racism of a country, it shows you how bad it is.

My mate used to say it took two weeks for Brits who were that way inclined to start showing their racism. Honestly, I often sat open mouthed in horror at the stuff that would come out of their mouths - they felt safe to say things as my husband looks more Middle Eastern than the half Indian that he actually is.

The way the lowest paid workers are treated - by everyone - is utterly shameful. And the way that people are ranked (and paid) according to where they come from and what they look like is horrific.

Even the Emiratis look down on each other depending on where they come from, or what surname they have. My Abu Dhabi Emirati friend from a very high up family was ok to marry a man from Fujairah because she had one leg shorter than the other and was considered damaged goods. She had to stay in Abu Dhabi though and only got given a (massive) apartment rather than a villa to live in...

She's in yr7

I feel for you with the racism, but life is full of tough circumstances and tough choices. If you can’t afford private school, you can’t afford it. Time to rethink.

Its a problem, it’s not a catastrophe. Youre a grown up. Deal with it.

Lucky you. Your experience isn't the OP's.

How is telling her there is no racism after her daughter has been the target of racist bullying helping?

She's already said that herhusband grew up there, as did his family.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I have found the school systems to be toxic and I've had issues throughout with bullying and nastiness from other kids, I found the schools werent helpful in addressing it either.
If she is happy in her current school....knowing how tough it is to have an unhappy child....I would not move her and look into ways for the next couple of years to manage. At least until she has sat the GCSE's. Then I would look to her going to a college or sixth form with no fees.
Either down size your house or remortgage?

I would be moving my daughter out of any school that bullied her so horribly.

Maybe start looking at alternative schools - either fee paying but cheaper, or state schools. With a view to her starting a new school from September.

You have a granny annexe and 2 cars……..

I agree - that’s exactly what I said. It takes one child to start it. And it needs to be stamped on. There’s no excuse for a school allowing it to fester and grow. Especially a small school.

My father in law is visibly non-white. My husband less visibly so. Interestingly, though I would describe my children as white British on a census, their colouring varies enormously. My daughter always has a mild tan and gets a very deep tan in summer. She has a very deep red-brown hair. Her older brother has blond hair, blue eyes and doesn’t tan at all. Our youngest is in between. It’s a genetic lottery. And part of the joys of life, along with their very different interests and abilities. My eldest is more socially sensitive and has been bullied, whereas the other two are more confident. My son is at sixth form college now. He was told by a Muslim girl in a language study session recently that he looked like a Nazi and then asked if he supported Reform. He was so upset.

We are a mixed race family. (Me ethnically Indian, husband white). We did not have many racism issues at our rural school, but when they did come up we insisted that the school deal with them robustly, which they did, though we did insist that the anti-racism policy was reviewed by the Governors and ask for a clear action plan with regular meetings to discuss progress.

Consider a move back to the state sector, but monitor progress closely and do not be fobbed off with any half answers. Robust clear plans are needed.

This. Find a different school.

Go to the online threads that help save money from your bills too. Do a full budget fir you household and where every penny is being spent. There's often money to be saved.