We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

Sadly we're a country where the leader of a rising political party which is potentially within reach of being in government is refusing to apologise for exactly the kind of behaviour that has affected OPs daughter so badly. And by not apologising he is sending the message to all the little racist fucks across all schools in the country (state and private) that it's ok to treat minority kids that way. That is shameful, yes.

DGC go to their local primary in an English city (not London), probably in the top ten nice cities to live in. The schools are generally good or outstanding. DDIL is Polish and the children are bilingual. DH and I pick them up from school sometimes. It’s a very diverse intake.

The school works hard to promote diversity and equality of all kinds, not just racism.

My family on both sides lived in a rural village for generations. They moved into the county town in the Industrial Revolution - presumably to get jobs. Times change.

OP - I suggest you move to somewhere like that with good schools.

Can you speak to the school about your difficulty paying fees? They should be able to put a payment plan in place to make it easier for you. You'll still be paying school fees 2 years after dd has left school but it might be an option? Ask the school what the best way forward is, because - no surprise - so many people are struggling to pay even for basics atm.

"We can’t afford to live anymore"
Followed by the line
"Private school fees are killing me"

Are lines that switch off sympathy and are tone deaf.

Yes you have a problem with racism. You are living beyond your means so you either adjust that or private school is clearly not the solution for you.

But it's not the only solution.

Don't make out like it is.

Not everywhere like this in this country. You know this.

You have options and choices.

Lots of people financially can't afford to live and don't have choices. You make yourself look like an underprivileged jerk saying this. Even though you are in a vulnerable minority group with a legitimate issue.

Stop it. Recognise the options and the privileges you DO have in your circumstances.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises.

You will have decent money coming in because you have good jobs and you rent out part of your home.

I'd talk to the school and see what they say.
I'd then look at your budget and see if you can trim it in any way.
You could move somewhere less rural where utility costs are lower.
You can cut back on food spending.
Maybe there are other options to increase your income if you are both professionals? Could either of you tutor for A level or undergrads, a couple of nights a week online?

Not having holidays and having an old car are par for the course for many parents who choose private ed. IME there are two extremes- those who can afford Eton etc and those who like you have to watch every penny to keep a child in private ed.

Ultimately, and I know this is going to sound harsh, your child may encounter racism in her life in the future. Building resilience is part of growing up and although my heart goes out to you dealing with this now, longer term you can't protect her forever.

The bullying sounds awful but OP I really don’t know what choice you have but to make some drastic life decisions like downsizing or moving to a cheaper area. I would love to send my AuADHD son to private school, state school is letting him down and I have no doubt he will not achieve anywhere near his potential as a result, but we have another child to think of and can’t afford it. It is what it is.

What was actually done about the bullying in the first two schools? When you say you worked with the school about it, what do you mean?

You say your husband lived in the village his whole life, but you don't mention him talking to the other parents about the bullying? What happened there? Villages are tiny. Surely he knows them? They probably all grew up together.

What i came to say. Or move area. You dont have to stay entrenched in a village because families did

The reason why I’ve waited years to relocate back to where I grew up as I knew they’d be the only (or very small minority) in the school. Their school here in South London / Surrey border is a very multicultured and they’ve never experienced any racism. Waiting means I’ll be starting a mortgage age 49 as can only rent here but my DD leaves 6th form in June so i’ll soon be a home owner. Personally for me the sacrifice has been worth it.

You have some options. Downsize your home? Re-mortgage and extend your term to free up some money. Ask family for a loan? Presumably you’d rather do that than put her back in the local state school and face bullying. Shocking that the school didn’t tackle it.

I'm so sorry about what happened to your daughter. That's truly awful.

I think something has to give and it is probably the school fees. If your daughter was year 10, it might be different but they are going to increase above inflation - and your wages - year on year, and she's only year 7. Visit some local secondaries and ask about their anti racism education and policies. See if you can speak to some black or brown pupils or their families.

The only other option I can think of is moving into your granny annexe and renting your house. But I'm not sure that's feasible - or worth it - for the next five years.

Otherwise, it's selling the house and downsizing, or moving to a new, more diverse area. But you would lose the proximity to family and that is important.

I agree with this entirely.
You can afford to live. You can’t afford the school fees.

Have any other young members of the family, attended this school? If so, did they experience racism of an equal level?

You should change your title to we can’t afford to live…the life we want.

im sure most people would like to send their kids to private school and live in the country side and a whole host of other things but we have to live within our means.

Ita pretty obvious you need to pull your child out of private school.

most people who can’t afford to live are choosing between heating and eating, not sending their child to private school or not.

Absolutely this

"We can't afford to live" is ridiculous hyperbole

And i take exception to OP's suggestion that the only way to prevent bullying / racism is to go to private school

You really think all non-white countries are shitholes? Are you for real? There are lots of thriving countries outside Europe and North America. Racism happens everywhere but it’s currently on the rise here.

You need to take your kid out of private school. It's really easy.

And if you're living in a vile, racist place - it's irrelevant that your H has generations of his family buried in the graveyard - move to a place that's less racist.

Also a house big enough for a rentable annex.

Our parents’ generation of doctors could afford a glide like that, private school fees for two children, skiing holidays in winter and a fortnight in the south of France in summer. Probably a cleaner and a gardener too. Our generation simply can’t. The cost of all those things, but housing and school fees in particular, have massively out-paced wage growth, leaving everyone spending almost their entire income on surviving from one month to the next.

“We can’t afford to live” meaning “we can’t afford our kids private school fees”. Good lord, you’re lucky you can afford to eat. Some people can’t. How entitled.

This is awful your poor daughter. The city I live in has always been welcoming of other ethnicities (or so those from other cultures who live here have told me) but the goverment has now decided to send hundreds of male migrants here without consultation and the tide is changing. I worry for my sons friends and their families as I can see racism rising all across the city.

I think you need to speak to your daughters school and explain your situation. Ask them if there are any bursaries you can apply for. Costs are insane. We are reasonably well off but day to day living costs are crazy. We have cut back a lot recently.

It happens in every country

Some good advice here. We are similar to OP, NHS, lease car on salary sacrifice, one dc in private education. We only afford the school fees because our mortgage got paid off by a critical illness insurance claim. If that hadn’t happened we would now be seriously struggling, so I totally get why OP is struggling. In her shoes I would move to a small property, and prioritise the school fees. Those suggesting that they up sticks to a completely different part of the Country, if both of them are Doctors that becomes extremely complicated!

The solution is in your 1st line. Stop paying for something that is free.

She isnt safe here

Sorry OP, your story is the story of everyone paying for the benefits claiming cohort of the population to live for free. After all, with 3 kids, people can claim £71k a year, who need to work. Those naive people left working then have to pay for this.

Sorry, this sounds tough.

Given what your daughter has been through, now she is happy and settled, I’d try leave her in the fee paying school.

Can you:
Change your rate to interest only;
Rent out your property and move to something smaller for a few years;
Downsize;
Take on evening/weekend tutoring or something similar?

Hope you get sorted.

Would you want your child in a local school were they are bullied because of the colour of their skin? I wouldn't.