We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

Don’t be ridiculous. Villages are inanimate. The OP has lots of family in the village. It was probably one or two families saying things that kids repeat without understanding the implications. That then spreads among classmates. It’s really very easy to stamp out this behaviour and I’m sure any school would take it very seriously. Children can learn to be kind human beings when given a chance.

First thing I'd do is speak to the school about it.

Secondly, if that fails, think about home education. A home educated child needs to be given a full time education but that doesn't have to happen exactly during school times - it can happen over the whole week and during school holidays etc. There are options for online schooling that are not as expensive as private school.

Thirdly, if that wouldn't work, look at whether moving house to a more affordable house in a less rural area would provide more state school options.

For context, I live in a deprived area (not by choice - due to DV) and my child went to the local primary school and didn't get racially abused once. Yet, when I lived in the posher part of the county, we got frequent racism.

If the village school is a problem, can you move to a better catchment? The area doesn't sound like it's very diverse despite you being there for generations.

Here's my twopennorth @ThatNavyPoster

The non negotiable for me would be my dd's education.

The house, in the sticks and without a gas supply but with a granny annex needs to go.

Buy a flat, 2/3 bed within walking distance of your dd's school.

The EV, I assume is on the NHS salary sacrifice scheme (someone tell me why the NHS is running a car leasing co) so probably reasonable value. At the end of the contract, use some of the equity from the house sale to buy a 7/8 year old reliable small car; replace the 15 year old with similar.

Holidays for a few years are camping.

You have to cut your cloth but the one thing you don't sacrifice is your dd's education.

Can either of you do a locum shift here and there?

We put my DS2 in private school for year 7 because it's calmer and more academic than our state option. My only regret is the lack of diversity. There is only one non white student in his class whereas in state school the majority is made up by non whites (70 %).

Overall state schools tend to be more diverse than private schools due to socioeconomical reasons so I find it weird that it's the opposite where you live. Are you sure this is true for secondary as well?

Anyhow, I think you know that she has to go to state school so start doing your research and make sure to talk to the school before she starts to tell them about her previous experience and ask what they do to prevent racism.

If it's really bad she can homeschool - you just need to sign her up for plenty of extracurricular activities where she can meet friends.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7.

So she experienced racism in the primary school and now she is in secondary school. What's the state secondary like - can she move there? If you are in a small village I am assuming the racist kids will be there also but depending on the school there may be more diversity and perhaps tougher sanctions for those that breach the rules. Please go and visit and have a chat if you haven't done so already.

That very much depends where you live.

Your daughter is now in year 7
Take her to your nearest secondary schools and have a good look round. They should be more diverse than your local primary school.
You never know she might have the best time, and have more opportunities.
Racism sadly exists, it’s how it is dealt with.
This will then change your lives and you can do more as a family.

It’s not just London that is diverse. I live in a big city in the north and my kids school is diverse, the parents we know with non white kids don’t mention any bullying problems.

Stupid comment.

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry your daughter and your family are going through this 😢

If you can't afford to pay for school, you cant afford it, and moving her back to somewhere she was racially abused is obviously a no. Surely your only option is to move somewhere more diverse? My son is in year 3 of a school in the suburbs of a big city, very diverse, and I've never heard of any racism. I'm not saying it's never happened, but most of the parents all chat/get together regularly and nothing has ever been brought up.

Losing one salary to home school is probably more than the school fees cost.

I would downsize house and use what’s
left over for school fees? It sounds like quite a large house if it has a granny annex?

Do you rent the granny annex privately or Air BnB type arrangement? The latter would earn you more money if you’re doing the former.

I really hope you can find a way to keep your daughter in school. Otherwise, I would find some way to home school/ tutor and ensure she does lots of extra curricular for friendships etc

Do you realise what that would mean for the poor child?
Adding: there is no simple solution to this. She can't go back to the toxic local environment of that village.

If she went to a regular state secondary school, they will almost certainly have a more diverse intake, plus more robust policies for dealing with bullying and discrimination.
If you say roughly what area you're in, maybe we could advise?.

I’m sorry @ThatNavyPoster - that must have been heartbreaking to witness. Experiencing overt racism can be absolutely traumatizing - sending her back to the schools where she was bullied is not an option.

How reliant are your partner’s parents on your assistance? Are they able to help financially so you can stay close to them and keep her at the private school? There may be an honest conversation to be had with family. Would they consider equity release so your partner could have his inheritance now? If you need to move away, what could be put in place for his parents to support them?

If them helping financially isn’t an option, and there are no funds / scholarships, for the sake of your daughter I think you need a clear plan to either cut your costs so she can stay at the private school, or move to a diverse area and use a state school there. If you can, I would try to find a way to afford the private school if she’s happy and settled there.

Could you rent out your house and rent a cheaper place, near work to also cut commuting costs / ir to a more diverse area with a decent state school?

There is a lot to take in and you feel stuck, but there will be a good way forward in there somewhere. 💐

I know her and her family extremely well. It doesn’t minimise the OP’s experience. It says it is very upsetting, highly unusual and needs to be taken seriously. The OP’s daughter is a local to that village. She’s surrounded by family and ancestors. It’s her home. She has a network of people who live her in that village. There was clearly a massive pastoral failing in the school for racism not to be addressed. It’s the sort of thing that can cause a school to fail an inspection.

To some extent it’s too late to resolve an issue in a primary school she left some years ago. The status quo is that they have found a school they love and where the daughter has friends. So the question is more a matter of how to keep her there. I think they need to approach the school.

@Redcliffe1 my mortgage is £2200pcm, interest is £2000 and the repayment is circa £200. The interest rates are still too high (compared to what they were 3 or 4 years ago) for this to make a big difference to a household budget

I’m afraid school fees only ever go up - and usually above inflation, so if you are struggling now the situation with the fees will only get worse.

You need to look at state options.

She's in secondary now, she won't go back to that primary.

As said, name a country were racism, or a caste system doesn't happen. Then out of the countries that are majority Black/Brown people, name one that her DD will be as physically safe in and have the same opportunities.

Relocate. Poss to a more urban area that will be more diverse. Brown kids all over the country manage to grow up very happily without private school.

Edited to add I have a ton of brown friends as my son went to a majority brown school. The term brown is ok with them. Just as black is ok for my black friends.

Sorry to hear about what your child has been through. I always hope this country is gradually getting better in terms of racism on a general level, and over and over it's proven not to be the case.

If you can't do anything further to save money and can't get any financial help from the current school, I would move away from the countryside to a more diverse area and send your daughter to a diverse school there.

Can you move house to near to a good state school? Downsizing at the same time? Rural living is very expensive, with the heating oil/petrol costs involved.
You may not be able to afford a country house, 2 cars and private education but you can afford to live, saying you can't is totally OTT.

You can afford to live, you just can't afford private school which is like most people. Even if their child is getting bullied.

She's in high school now. Hopefully larger schools will be more diverse? Or give up the large house and move to a more diverse area?