We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

The decency 🤣🤣

There are plenty of state schools that are diverse and where your dd won’t be bullied.

Move nearer to some of them. Your daughter’s childhood is more important than your DH living near his family in a small minded racist village.

Can you name a country where there is no racism?

There are charitable funds associated with the NHS that you could maybe apply to?

Various trusts are set up across different sectors from the forces, to teaching etc so look into that

OP, state secondary schools tend to be larger than primaries, so necessarily more diverse, and racism is taken very seriously. It’s a pity she’s in year 7, because that would have been a good point to move her, but if you can’t afford to keep her there and there are no bursaries, you will have to look around at secondary provision and see what’s available - and indeed where has spaces, because you will be looking at children moving if it’s a popular school. I din’t see, though, that you’ve any choice - the current government has unfortunately clobbered families like yours.

Can you sell your house and move somewhere else - your family might have lived in the village for generations but perhaps it’s time to move on now, the village may have suited your ancestors but it doesn’t suit your family now. You could always return to the village later on in life, once your daughter has grown up and finished her education.

You have three luxuries in your OP: private school, a lease car, and a house big enough to have a granny annexe. You can only afford one.

I see a valid argument for private school to protect your daughter’s mental health, but you need to downsize and get another older car, bought outright.

I'm really intrigued to know where you live that the racism in the state sector was so pervasive and not sorted out.

I grew up in a small town in a fairly rural southern area and 30 years ago what you've described would have been taken incredibly seriously by my very ordinary state primary school and nipped in the bud pretty damn quick.

I now live in an urban area and my kids attend local schools. One incident of a racist comment being made (and we are talking secondary school age little thugs now) was again taken incredibly seriously by school and most of the kids were horrified by the remark and stood at the side of the child experiencing racism.

It just seems hard to believe that a state primary in England allowed it to go on for years???

Jamaica. There are class issues but not race issues

I'm so sorry your DD has been the victim of racism. I know it's not fair that you have to, but to keep her at private school where she's safe and thriving, could you downsize to a smaller property closer to it? Just for her school years?

Can either of you teach? Private schools often give fee reductions for people who can teach at the school….

I am very surprised and upset to read about your experiences. They don’t reflect mine. At primary school my daughter’s best friend was what you describe as ‘brown’. I hate that term. I’d rather just say that that she was British with a Mum from X country. Anyway, she was the only one in the school. She probably had 2 or 3 sleepovers a week at our house for years. She’s still really into riding ponies because I introduced her to it. She’s also effortlessly bright. To the best of my knowledge, she never experienced anything like you describe. And I am sure the school would have stamped on it if she had. It’s just a matter of education. Children aren’t evil. Sometimes helping them to stop and consider how it would feel to be in another person’s shoes is enough.

Your poor child, I’m so sorry. I think you either have to downsize your house to free up some money or send her to a state school in a more diverse area (which might mean moving). Your daughter is more important than your husband’s ties to the area.

Your husband has to realise that he's married someone who isnt white and had a non-white child. Places that are aafe for him are not safe for you two, including his hometown.

If primary children already know these phrases in a small village school, it’s the village that is racist not the kids. I’d consider moving to somewhere more diverse with an outstanding stand secondary.

Thinking practically:
You have a school you like.

You say the school won’t offer you a bursary, but you could always ask. I know private schools are feeling the pinch, but a reduced fee place might be better than an empty place.

Maybe listing your income and outgoings here would help.

By the way my post about making a plan wasnt shirty or meant with mal intent.

You do need to properly sit down with your DH and work out an exhaustive list of what the variables and options are and what combo works best for your family as what you currently have isnt sustainable.

I feel like you knew the private school was a stretch but I can totally understand the desperation when you are seeing your child so badly effected and damaged by the school environment.

Good luck!

I am sure someone with legal knowledge on here could chime in here ( I have no legal background) but given the severity of the bullying (those behaviours of cutting hair/colouring in skin are very worrying in such a young child) I wonder if you have recourse against the original school. It might be worth getting some advice on this.

Again, I am so sorry your daughter went through this. I do think there are areas of the UK that are very ethnically diverse where racism is much less of a problem, but I think if we are all being honest, we know that racism does happen regularly across almost all sections of society. It is awful, it is disgusting and we should be calling it out when it happens. Sadly this is not always the case though.

This post nails it.

the racist bullying is awful but frankly, I would find a different state school. Not all state schools are like the one you experienced.

i also think you need to let go of the idea that just because you have a family connection to this rural village, it means you can’t leave… many people have to move away from where they grew up for financial reasons. I was born and raised in London; I didn’t have a hope in hell of ever being able to afford to live anywhere in the south east, so I moved to a cheaper area. I’m almost 60 btw so this isn’t a new thing!

I really feel for your poor daughter but you are living beyond your means and it’s not sustainable. I also think that while this school is providing a solution for the moment, a private school is really a bubble - I mean, it’s not where 93% of the population are! - and assuming your daughter continues living, studying and eventually working in the U.K., it will benefit her to have a broader experience. That’s not to minimize or condone what she experienced at the previous school. I’m just making the point that you’ve made quite an extreme and very expensive decision at the moment to deal with the issue and I’m not sure it’s the most effective solution long term.

This.
My children are not white either. We live in a suburb of a big city. They went to state schools which were very diverse. No problems.
You're going to have to sell up your house and move to a suburb in any UK city.

Lots of brown people are fine with calling themselves brown. And you’re minimising the OP’s experience by saying your daughter’s friend didn’t experience racism. How would you know?!?

If you’re surprised by this story then you’re not really paying attention.

I am sorry you have experienced racism. We have a tiny bit too with my kids on a predominately white primary.

But secondary will be more diverse.

speak to the private school - ask them for a payment plan. We struggled in the last two terms after the fees went up (daughter in private due to Sen) and the school let us stagger our payments monthly. I am sure the school would prefer late payments rather than none at all. Ask them if you can pay the last two terms over three terms or whatever you think you can manage

visit your local high schools - they will be more diverse. Speak to these schools about your daughters past issues

give notice to your private school and sort out a staggered payment plan

I have no idea about this, but just wondered if there are loans for school fees and found this. Probably lots of others since this one popped up straight away

https://www.selinafinance.co.uk/

Or this one that does a lot of further education loans and other types, I think they offer a delay in starting payments at least in some cases. Might be worth a chat. I have looked at this one from the other side as a p2p investment.

https://lendwise.com/

I don't know if getting into debt for this is a good idea, but if it's just for a few years and you are desperate it might be an option although taking a second mortgage if you have equity might be a cheaper option.

That sounds horrible for her and is completely unacceptable. I can totally understand your choices under those circumstances. That said, did you approach the school to demand that they deal with it? Not trying to victim blame, but you can't afford private so maybe choosing schools wisely, researching policies (and looking for schools with an ethnically diverse mix of both teachers and students) and then being prepared to complain, complain and again at any examples of anything racist or bullying in any way. It's crap, you shouldn't have to fight to suppress racism but schools may need to be told these things are going on. They have a responsibility to address this and keep kids safe from it.
I second cities - much more diverse usually.

Yes, it's not happening in isolation.