We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

I am so sorry OP - where I live in the south east, racist bullying just isn’t a thing (well over half the local school children are non-white and on top there are lots of white non-British).

I can see why you want to stay embedded in family but honestly I couldn’t live beyond my means and nor could I bring myself to put dd back in a school that can’t control racism.

I would move away to a more diverse urban area and put dd in a state school.

Do you have to sell your property - could you let it?

I wouldn't put any child in a boarding school.
It increases the risk of sexual assault by other older students or teachers or staff working there.

Not even sure why they still exist.

Why have children at all if you fob them off on an institution?

Villages can be very claustrophobic because there might be a tight knit number of people who have lived there for generations. Even if you were white your daughter might not fit in. We found this in a rural community, luckily we did not have children to educate. I was brought up in a multicultural area in London, but could have been bullied as I was from an Irish family. So it's not all about colour of skin. Hopefully your daughter will thrive despite the bullies she encounters through life

Yes, renting out the family home and picking up a rental in an area that works better is probably a good option.

You make a very valid point about family ❤️

She's in secondary. They can't afford it.

Am I reading this correctly? Your husband is white and his extended family are farmers in the North East? You are Asian and your DD is mixed race?

It is very true that there are fewer mixed race families the further north you go, but that doesn't always equal racism.

You sound very kind and thoughtful but getting some perspective, ferrying your husband's gran to the WI is not a top priority. Other family members will have to pick up the slack if you move.

Have you sat down and done a spreadsheet of all your income and outgoings? You should be able to economise somewhere along the line.
Is the 20K mileage a year for work or seeing family? Is that each or for both of you?

You can:

• Move to a less expensive home
• Move your DD to a state school
• Seek better paid work - even if it means moving to the private sector or taking on additional work

And/or do two or all three. You do have choices. They’re just not choices you want to make, but most of us have to make compromises.

Also, how on earth can they afford a boarding school?!

Given how much of a support system you provide your extended family and the fact the land was gifted to you in order to stay in the area, I don’t see how you can leave, realistically.

Your first port of call should be approaching the school. Depending on the type of school, you may be offered a discount. Many independent schools are struggling at the moment with low pupil numbers. It may be completely discretionary to offer a discount on fees. I have knowledge in this sector and have seen plenty of discounts offered to families who are genuinely struggling to afford the fees. It’s not always a hard and fast rule on income. Also is your child very good at art, sport, drama etc? There may be a scholarship you could negotiate? Be open and honest with the school. Tell them that you will be forced to withdraw her if you can’t get a discount on the fees.

Failing that, then you do need to find a state provision for your DD. If you are struggling with the fees in year 7, then it will only get worse. Fees increase by up to 10% per year and then there’s all the extras on top.

Sure, but NHS salaries have a ceiling. If you’re wanting a better than average lifestyle, private sector is more competitive.

Some families have no choice- eg if they are in the Forces and a good caring boarding school in the UK gives children stability rather than moving schools every 2 years when a parent is moved. Not all boarding schools are as you describe- that's a very outdated opinion.

If they are both doctors, the OP is talking about dropping some NHS hours and doing work privately, assuming they are consultants.

The good news is that you have choices and options. Make the choices you need to.

I moved to a completely new place, I've taken jobs I didn't like, I've even sold property. You can do similar.

But you can afford to live, just not as you are at the moment. And that is a privileged position, and useful.

I’m not being rude but being the odd one out in village school is a nightmare.

did neither of you expect or plan for this? You need to move obviously. This is going to be an issue until university. Can you afford to pay until then?what about other potential children?

I would prioritise your child’s mental health and your financial situation over your husbands extended family. Sad that a village school has a big problem with racist bullying and presumably did nothing but it sounds like moving to a more diverse area would work better for her. Being out in the sticks means less choice in schools. Explain to GPs and visit regularly.

I’ve just noticed from PP’s that you are possibly both doctors. Is that correct?

If you are, have you considered a sideline into injectables? This may be a bit controversial, but I know 2 NHS doctors who do Botox/fillers from their home as a bit of a side hustle in the evenings and make quite a bit of extra money.

I’m sure they’ve had to pay to go on training courses etc but that may be an idea you could investigate?

If oil is a big proportion of your outgoings what about installing a heat pump? It sounds like your house is reasonably modern. Are you using the EV for all the longest journeys and do you have a decent overnight tariff for charging it (we pay 7p per KWH with Octopus) to make your mileage as cheap as possible?
Is there any possibility of one of you doing some private work?

Sadly I agree. There is a difference between not being able to afford to live and not being able to afford to live in a big house and pay private school fees. I think prioritising your daughter’s education and happiness is important so in your position I would look to downsize/move rather than remove her but I understand that isn’t an option a lot of people would take.

Your daughter has never been to a state secondary in your area?

How many do you have to chose from? Are they bigger and more diverse? Have you visited them?

Your daughter does not have to give up her family if you move to a more diverse area, they just won't be as close by but she will still have a relationship with her family, but she can't get these years back - childhood shouldn't be something that you need to recover from. Speaking as a black woman, while country living/village life look idyllic, I have a son and would never want him to be the only black child in school or the only black child in the village. There is something about not being 'other' and just seamlessly blending in that shouldn't be taken for granted. I grew up in the 60s and 70s and remember the stigma, comments and negativity of being one of only a few black children in my class.

I agree this is the most sensible first option to try.

What you can’t afford is private school.

You can't afford private school. Neither can we or most other parents. Amongst the parents of the children in my child's class in a state primary are several doctors, a professor, a lawyer, business owners, IT managers and many other well paid professionals. The reality is that these days those kind of salaries are often not enough for private school if you live in an area with high housing costs or have multiple children.

If I were you I would move to a more diverse area. Full details on the demographics (sex, ethnicity) of a school's population are available online on websites including Locrating.

(Edited to add we actively chose a diverse school for our White child that promotes celebrating differences and inclusion. I would not want my child to attend a school with racist bullying even if it wasn't directed at my child).

I am sorry your daughter experienced racist bullying in 2 schools and I understand why moving out of the village and home on your husband's former family land would feel like a big loss for both your immediate and the wider family.

Which tax rises are the "final" nail in the coffin for you? I wonder if there may be some time in which to be able to plan for or make changes to manage these. Have you spoken to the school about your concerns with being able to continue to afford the fees? They may not advertise bursaries but still offer them in some cases when asked as they would prefer a pupil paying some fees than an empty place.

Can the wider family help at all with the fees?

Did you look at the state secondary options at all? Does your daughter have friends at any? Are there any scholarships or bursaries to other 13+ schools?