We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

Given this update and how close you all sound to local family / the land situation etc

i would def look go into part nhs / part privatised asap and keep your daughter as she is until end of primary then look at state secondary options...
if do this in conjunction with cost cutting measures....with a view to ideally trying to avoid selling the house.

Hope it pans out okay for you!!

I grew up in area similar to OP's and we were white British but still virtually ostracised for not being local. This was the 80s and 90s and I'd hope that things have moved on, but obviously not.

I begged my parents to move, but they wouldn't. I do understand now that it's not that easy to just move and rural properties can be on the market for ages, so it's not as simple as that.

OP, have you visited the local state secondary (secondaries? There was only one option where I lived)? I did find the comprehensive I went to a vast improvement on the local primary. There were children from the market town there and other villages that were closer to the nearest big town, so there was a much broader mix. There wasn't much diversity compared to a city, but the children from the small, remote villages were in the minority and their insular outlook was a minority one.

The issue then was that my friends all lived miles away and there were hardly any buses so I was still quite isolated at home, but you might find that the state secondary is very different to your primary experience.

Like a PP, I do wonder why this has happened when the husband's family is local. Usually, the locals close ranks and I would have thought being half local would trumped anything else "unusual". Saying that, I remember locals also having a hard time if they held an opinion wildly different to the prevailing opinion. Small villages are a nightmare for that sort of thing. It's unbelievable if you haven't experienced it yourself.

If there is other family around can't they help out with grandparents?

Tbh, you sound as though you have been incredibly fortunate being gifted land etc

Plenty of people have to make difficult choices including moving away from family, it's not quite as dramatic as you make it sound.
I do have sympathy for your daughter's previous school situation but less for the rest of it as you just sound so fortunate but unwilling to give up the private school place or move.
Hope the private work solves the issue.

If in year 7 now that’s secondary - so are more secondary schools to choose from as I state

Maybe read the OP then

Change to a state school, maybe a different one to before (I too was bullied due to the colour of my skin (even though I'm white I was also called the P word)). Maybe move closer to that school and downsize (as sounds like you house is large) to reduce petrol and heating costs.

Have you asked your daughter what her preference is?

People are being a bit harsh on the OP and that's not fair.
OP is not complaining that she is hard done by in terms of her having a comfortable lifestyle and desiring more when so many people (including myself) have less, it's very obvious that she wants her child not to descend into the hell that caused her to paint her skin pink when she has darker skin.
OP should probably consider adjustments and she has reasonably sought advice as such.
I can't see that she's in anyway snobby or entitled, because she's given examples of when her child was mercilessly bullied!
In some circumstances, bullying can cause a child deep lasting effects, that of course stay with you in later life.
It's so obvious that her DD was truly suffering, and now she's not, whether private school or not.
Who wouldn't want their child's confidence to build? She must feel so safe and happy!

I would definitely look for better paid work. Now is not the time to be prioritising your thoughts on the NHS vs private medicine.

You can afford to live, most people in the current climate cannot afford private school fees.
That is your issue find alternative schooling.

It’s not like you’d move a million miles away though - you’d still be local enough to regularly visit surely? If there’s only you 2 plus your DD a 2 bed flat would suffice.

EV through NHS are cheap - I have one - but is yours actually the cheapest car available?

Also, moving house might be a good option, but the upheaval and cost and organisation and shifting of goods makes it not a snap decision!
The OP has already shown with her choices of renting out an annexe that she's serious about finding a way to make it work.
I wish you and your DD all the luck in the world.

The title of the post is a small bit misleading, and should probably define the content of her DD being the focus, as the paragraph does, but it's undeniable that the OP cares more about her DD than a cushy, middle class life.

So "can't afford to live anymore" actually means can't afford private school, might have to sell the house built on land given for free.....

And the horrors of grandparents having to have "strangers" living next door to them.....

Seriously, how do the rest of us survive?

It’s hard to have sympathy.

If there is racism in the village school, there will be racism in the village in general. This is no place to raise your child. Move to an area she will be accepted for who she is. You might want to look at renting your home out and renting somewhere else near a state school. Diverse areas can’t be too far from you, if the school she’s currently in has more diversity.

I think there will be some ways to save - are you prepared to share your budget and we can help? That often throws up things when people do that here. I don't think moving makes sense - it sounds like you are utilising your property to bring in an income and that you have a wonderful and supportive family around you. With some cost cutting (if possible) and some ways to improve earnings could you make ends meet for the next seven years until private school is done?

No advice but just wanted to say I’m so sorry to hear what your daughter went through. All the best to you and your family x

You should reconsider state education locally now your daughter is secondary school age. They will likely be more diverse than the primaries. Though I suppose she may come across the same racist bullies she met at primary.

Hi

I’m so sorry - this sounds horrendous.

If you really want her to stay in this school, can you downsize? I own a 2 bedroom home with two children and yes, space is very very tight but we muddle through. It is doable.

Unfortunately you will get bullying everywhere. Private schools have nasty little shits in them too, they’re just nasty little shits whose parents have money. Also in my experience, racism is more common in private schools. It’s just hidden better.

I’m sorry to hear what your daughter has been through op. However, the economic situation isn’t going to get any easier, so I would move her into a decent state school now.

My point was that it isn’t necessary to move to Dubai to get your DC into a safe school.

I'm confused - if she's in Year 7 then she's in secondary school. The bullying problem was at primary school. So presumably the OP Is worried about risking a move to the local state secondary because there may (or may not) be bullying there. Moving out of the village seems to involve quite a lot of sacrifice both by OP's immediate family and the wider family, for the sake of 4.5 years of secondary school (until the child can move schools again at 6th form level), when it's quite possible that the bullying problem won't repeat itself at the new secondary school? I'm also a bit doubtful at how the family can be so badly off with 2 parents in well paid job, a house which allows them to rent out an annex, and lots of supportive family members, who might possibly be able to lend some money in the short term? I'd focus on a solution which allows them to keep the house, as in the scheme of things this is a short term problem.

Great teaching moment. Put her back in the village school. Teach her "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me..."

If your village is safe, then a bit of name calling can be dealt with. Stop running away because of adversity. Teach her to stand up, you document & report the racial harassment to the school and whomever else will help, then just get on with her life. It's their problem not hers.
We cannot protect children from every negative experience. Character is built through adversity. Lots of people get bullied; fat, thin, poor, rich, spotty, beautiful, effeminate, we must just push through and not let it define or defeat us. Encourage her, she's not defined by her ethnicity, nor is she to be ashamed of it. Don't allow her to take on a victim mentality.
Pray for strength and resilience, read the Bible for guidance. Above all, stop private school immediately. She won't die. She'll mentally toughen up a bit which is necessary in life. We ALL have to become resilient.

Everyone has different struggles. Your struggle to find sympathy is a reflection on you and not on the Op worthiness for sympathy.