We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

Totally understand why you want to keep your daughter in her private school and understand why DH doesn’t want to sell up or leave his village - is there a compromise? Perhaps rent out your family home and use the money to rent a small 2 bed close to the private school , thereby saving the commuting time and costs, eg about £5000 a year on fuel? When she reaches 18, you simply move back into your home again?

They are very good ideas, NameChanger. I wish I had had a friend like you around forty years ago! We muddled through eventually but it took its toll.
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OP, moving house is in intself an expensive business and going to a more inclusive, urban area makes it even more so. The houses will be very expensive if you choose somewhere decent with a professional/skilled demographic.

I lived in Greenwich for very many years but after being widowed for a few years, I needed to downsize, the house was too much for me. I moved to a two bedroomed flat just a few miles away but it's a different world, quite dead. I'm looking for a small place in a more lively area, am even considering renting, but the prices are huge. However I am determined!

You are young people with good jobs could manage it, implementing some of the above suggestions from NameChanger which I think are eminently sensible. Only you know if they are achievable,

I don't think you should change your daughter's school as she is settled. She may choose to go to a sixth form college in time and they have a completely different atmosphere and ethos to school. I know many youngsters who are doing that and they love it.

All is not lost yet, chin up and consider every option.

That's really shit of the local primary to not stamp down on racism and bullying.
I hope you put a huge complaint in .
I don't know ,but all schools my kids went to would of never tolerated racism ,and none of my children would either or their friends.. children are very aware these days ..
I'd probably look for a state school near you and explain the situation at the first school and see what policies they have in place for racism,

Yes, why would he want his daughter to live in a village where there is so much bigotry?
She can't have any friends.

They are very good ideas, NameChanger. I wish I had had a friend like you around forty years ago! We muddled through eventually but it took its toll.
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ThatNavyPoster, moving house is in intself an expensive business and going to a more inclusive, urban area makes it even more so. The houses will be very expensive if you choose somewhere decent with a professional/skilled demographic.

I lived in Greenwich for very many years but after being widowed for a few years, I needed to downsize, the house was too much for me. I moved to a two bedroomed flat just a few miles away but it's a different world, quite dead. I'm looking for a small place in a more lively area, am even considering renting, but the prices are huge. However I am determined!

You are young people with good jobs could manage it, implementing some of the above suggestions from NameChanger which I think are eminently sensible. Only you know if they are achievable,

I don't think you should change your daughter's school as she is settled. She may choose to go to a sixth form college in time and they have a completely different atmosphere and ethos to school. I know many youngsters who are doing that and they love it.

All is not lost yet, chin up and consider every option.

Do the people in your annex pay a fair rent? If its on the low side, could you increase it? There are clubs for lpg oil, could you join one to get cheaper prices, or buy in summer when prices are a bit lower sometimes?

No I would not forgive it. He is disgusting and to actually have been fired means they have firm evidence of this. I would not be living with a sexual predator.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but can you move to a city? Where I live is so ethnically diverse, white british is the minority. There are grammar schools, a mix of state depending on catchment, and you'd have lower petrol costs

Yes, it has. It seems to be the most popular advice.

This is a good point - if they have lived here for years they must know everyone or come across this hatred before

what did the school do about the racism and did you /the family talk to the bullies

I feel for you ,Racism is ugly and shouldnt be happening still. village life can be claustrophobic .Just because your DH has always lived there, doesnt mean he can't make a move? I just wonder if a nearby town may be cheaper, and DD can stay at her private school.My own DD was bullied, and we removed her in year 8 . I luckily was a SAHM then .And we were home educated for a while .I personally would do anything to keep her there. Alternatively maybe rent out the Granny Annexe ? or do Air BnB/Students summer months .

They rent out the annexe.

Have you been to look at the local secondary school? My DC attend a small village school with one child from a similar background to yours (I very much hope she hasn’t experienced what your DD has). But the local secondary my older DC are at, in our rural town, has a much more diverse population. The majority of the BAME (for want of a better shorthand) in our area, primarily healthcare workers, live in the town and attend the town primaries. Therefore it’s only at secondary that there is more mix.

What about the child's social developement?

Thank you to those who took the time to read and give advice (and empathy). Many people have said my husband needs to decide between staying in the village with his family or moving to a more inclusive town to protect his daughter. My husband was willing to move previously and he would be willing to move again. They are not just my “husband’s family”, they’re my daughter’s family, they’re her great grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles cousin, they’re her support system. So the choice is not about my husband giving up his family. It’s between my daughter giving up her family and all the support that comes with that, or giving up her school and risking a return to the bullying.

Selling the house will be difficult as rural properties aren’t exactly in high demand at the moment due to the cost of living. My husband comes from a farming family in the North East, they are asset rich but cash poor. Our house and the one bed annexe are both built on land that was given to us by my husband’s grandparents. It was given to us in the hope we would stay in the area. Our mortgage paid to convert it. Leaving his elderly grandparents when they are frail and need us, is an awful thing to do, but at this point, I think we don’t have a choice. Yes, his family would feel upset by the sale, and his grandparents would also have to have strangers living next to them - which of course they would understand, but it would be difficult due their age and frailty. I take his grandmother out to her WI meeting, church, gardening club - they no longer drive and rely a lot in the family.

The EV is through the NHS fleet scheme so comes out of pre-tax income, and saves us a ton of money on petrol ( we easily do 20k miles a year). We do need 2 cars as we’re rural and work in different places.

We have both thought about leaving the NHS for private work - previously something we were quite morally opposed to, but yes, this is an option and I am going to start exploring cutting my NHS hours to take on private work. Short term that is probably the only thing that will save us.

So many PPs who express disbelief that the OP’s daughter experienced racism. 🤦‍♀️ Seriously, why would anyone doubt that racism is a serious problem in the UK? Or that some schools can’t or won’t effectively address the issue?

I don’t have any practical advice that hasn’t already been mentioned @ThatNavyPosterbut I hope you find a solution. Your DD deserves to receive a good education in a school that values and protects her.

Sorry but the NHS is not intended to be an employer who compensates their staff highly. They offer average salaries, to sustain public services and curb public spending. I don’t think the average tax payer intends for their money to prop up private school fees for NHS staff(?)

So have you considered applying for jobs at a private sector employer where you’ll likely be paid more for the same skills? You might get a more competitive salary. Especially if you’re wanting to fund private schooling, something known to be a large additional expense that is not easy to creep in on an average public sector salary. Many people leave public sector for this reason.

Secondly, I don’t think your options are either private school or get bullied. There’s so many state schools with a higher population of “brown” children which would be much more welcoming than the state schools she experienced before.

Part of it might be that your daughter needs to build resilience. Whilst racism and bullying is never acceptable, maybe both you and her need a plan in place of what you would do should that occur again? Cause it happening once or twice unexpectedly, you can’t really prepare. But cause it’s cropped up before, there might be things you have now learned about how to protect yourself. If I’m being totally honest I don’t think you’re going to be able to protect her from racism forever, the UK generally might not be super racist but there’s definitely a vocal minority, who are vocal. so purely pragmatically - there may be comments in future. Even at private school.

Which tax increases from the budget are going to finish you off?
If it's the mansion tax, downsize and you will have more money to cover the private school fees as well as not being finished by the tax.
If it's the NI on pensions, just reduce payment pensions for the next few years to get DD through school.
If it's the tax on savings, you don't need to be saving £12,000 per year when you can't afford to live.

Sadly it sounds like you need to move away from this place.
Small villages are notorious for excluding anyone not from the area even if everyone is the same ethnicity - this is true all around the world.
My SIL's father comes from a small village in France and used to refer to villagers living on the other side of the river from him as "the foreigners"... He apologized to me as he could see from my reaction that I was shocked and thought he was referring to me initially.

I completely disagree you should move
Fuck the racists with their nasty bullying ways .
I'd not be moving in your situation..I'd be staying put .
In hindsight do you wish you had challenged the school more , because I think I'd of really pushed back with the local school and not stood for the disgraceful treatment of your daughter...but that's easy for me to say ..
What about leaving her in private untill secondary and then trying the local school again.
I feel quite angry on your daughters behalf...if a friend of mine was going through this ,I'd of taken on the school and parents of these bullies myself in support...did none of her friends or your friends not support you ...??

In the short term can you rent in a new location and rent out your home?

My only other suggestion is boarding school. Christ Hospital or state boarding, just a case of surviving financially until a place becomes available.

@Firefumes I'm assuming they are both doctors as OP talks about taking on some private work which they were both 'morally' against.

OP can you not cut back on anything such as food, energy costs etc? I just cannot see how your energy costs are so high

Move to a more diverse area of the Uk and attend local state school may also be an option. You don’t have to stay where you are just because you have family there and your husband has already said he is ok with moving?

But a boarding school with cost far, far more. You're talking of £35-40K pa at least.