We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

1. Rent out your main house and buy a smaller house?
2. rent a smaller flat/house?
3. Do you have an extra room for a lodger?
4. Could you take in foreign exchange students?
5. Could you go interest only on your mortgage?
6. Get rid of one car.
7. Reduce any subscriptions you’ve got.
8. Get a promotion
9. Increase work hours
10. Look for cheaper wraparound care

I’m out of ideas.

@ThatNavyPosterI’m so sorry your daughter experienced such awful bullying. I had no idea this type of racism in children still existed in this day and age (assuming you’re in the UK). This is learned behaviour from adults which is even worse especially with all the awareness about being inclusive in every way these days. The schools themselves should have dealt with this properly which is part of their job. All schools have regular talks about bullying etc.

You can’t possibly send your daughter back to either of those state schools unless there’s another one in your area you could try? Consider moving house to a more inclusive town instead of a village which might be more of the same.

We live in a small village and my son was the most "diverse" person in his class and also had autism/ ADHD and also got bullied.

Come secondary school, he got a place at a very good state school in a much more urban area. Much more diverse mix of kids, and it was very good for him in a lot of ways.

Mind you, I don't think he would have suited private school, given that he was of a decidedly left wing bent even as a tween, and was fascinated by things being fair and unfair.

This is a tangential issue, really, but if you're spending £1000 a month on LPG and oil, have you considered investing in an air source heat pump? If your energy bills are currently that much, it would probably pay for itself in a couple of years.

We're off-gas here, so the HA installed heat pumps in all the houses. For sure my house is smaller than yours- and possibly better insulated- but I pay over a year what you pay in a month.

You've got bigger issues than money.

Realistically, to solve most of your problems, you need to move away from this area. I have many mixed race friends who grew up rurally in the UK and really suffered from the racism they experienced - the long-lasting effects on your daughter are not something to be taken lightly. Having to ship her to three different schools to get away from the small mindedness tells you that you are not in the right location to raise a healthy and happy human being.

At the moment you're throwing money you don't have at the problem so you don't need to actually address the real issue. You've got to start tackling this head on. You're bringing up your daughter in a place where she isn't welcome. Why are you still there?

There are other options available so you don’t need to send her to a school you can’t afford.
Send her to a free school and let the school deal with racism and bullying.

She can't send her back there. They were primary, she's now secondary.

I feel so torn about the "Well move away from the country then" message.

I live in one of the whitest parts of the UK (and I am white myself). We know that some people- usually retired- move down here because it's so white 😡

I would hate to see it getting even more ghettoised- ideally it should be becoming more ethnically diverse, like the rest of the country. But who am I to encourage people of different ethnicities to move down here when they could potentially face discrimination?

As far as I'm aware, ethnic minority kids haven't had a problem in any of the primaries I know- however, I might not know. DS1 has some mixed heritage kids for friends at his secondary (which is still very white), and as far as I know they haven't experienced racism. However, I am aware there has been openly racist talk among the kids at another, far more rural, secondary in the area.

I am so sorry to hear this. It does sound like people have come up with some good suggestions even though they are all rather drastic and will take time and planning - moving somewhere cheaper and more diverse. It's not easy to uproot yourself and move.

Very best wishes with navigating your way out of this difficult financial situation.

In your shoes I would homeschool. I think it's shameful that there is racism in this day and age. I live in a small town and there is very little diversity. My son's girlfriend grew up as an ethnic minority but as far as I am aware she was never bullied over it.

Saw the post heading and thought this would be about the never ending rises in the costs of food and energy, you know, those things we need so that we can physically survive. The racisim experienced by your daughter was shocking, hard to hear that that sort of thing is going on in this day and age

How will one of them becoming unemployed improve their financial situation?

I didn't read all of the other posts, @ThatNavyPoster, just yours, as some of the comments were bloody ridiculous and written by people who are so obviously white and keep their eyes closed all the time.

You said your husband's family have lived in the village for generations, but all you said about your side was that you and your mum were born in this country. Did you grow up in the same village too, or do you have any connections to another part of the UK (perhaps a bigger town)?

You don't talk about your own experiences growing up, but the UK has got increasingly racist over the last few years, so I'm not assuming you didn't go to school locally - it's entirely possible the kids in the village were nicer humans back when you were a child, and it's just this generation who are horrid.

Has your husband ever lived away from the village?

I do think you're going to have to move. What I'm trying to explore is if there's a place in the UK that is familiar to either of you, so it doesn't feel as much of a wrench.

Your husband might have lived somewhere bigger and intentionally moved back to the village as he wanted that kind of pace of life and wanted to raise family in that kind of location. But he married you and had a child with you, and he can't think like a white man anymore. He has to think about his family's safety, and his daughter's opportunities.

I mean, when she finishes school, what's she going to do then? She's going to be 18 in a village with entrenched racism and terrible transport links. If she's 18 in a bigger more diverse town, well, for a start not everyone is going to know who she is, and they won't filter her application on the basis everyone knows that the name might sound white, but that's the kid of the guy who married a <insert popular racist term at that point in the future>.

Homeschooling would just punish your daughter. It's not that she has some sort of medical needs or behavioural issues that mean mainstream education isn't for her - it's that the other kids are jerks.

I don't think it's the tax hikes in the budget that have made things difficult. I think it's the fact that Labour has opened the door wide open to Reform, and that means attitudes are going to get worse.

I don't live in a white village anymore, and I feel more comfortable in my own skin. If your husband hates big city life, I think he's going to have to get over himself. It's going to be difficult if/when he has elderly family and he's not in the village, but his priority has to be his daughter's wellbeing.

Moving somewhere bigger and more diverse is not going to guarantee no racism, but it gives you the best shot at a more pleasant educational experience for your child, and puts her in a better starting place to start being an adult when the time comes.

It can be hard in a rural area. I think in DD's school, out of 700+ pupils, there were literally only 1 or 2 that weren't white. Nothing excuses bullying though and DD's school jumped straight on anyone using words like "Pxxx" etc.

The primary schools let you down because it was their duty to stamp out the bullying and the bullies.

There are a lot of helpful suggestions on here, so I hope that you find a way through this. A lot of families don't have holidays, or paid tv subs, or eat out/takeaways though, and you do need to accept that if you want to put DD through private school, then there are no luxuries or treats for anyone.

I buy clothes only when needed, I own 2 pairs of shoes. I don't buy makeup, or get my nails done. I get my hair cut twice a year. I had to cut back on everything when XH left when DD was 4. (not that I ever got my nails done before). A lot of people just buy things they like without actually needing them.

I always say on these threads, download the MSE budget planner. Look at all your bank and credit card statements and identify where your spending goes. It is amazing how much you can claw back sometimes by stopping all the little bits that add up.

My friend told her school she couldn't afford the fees and gave a terms notice, they came back with the offer of a part bursary (20% saving). Is the school oversubscribed? Could you speak to the bursar? Explain that you don't want to give notice but have no choice? It might backfire or it might save a few pennies.

I'm afraid private school fees just get more and more expensive, if there is an alternative might be worth considering.

You didn’t bother to read but felt it ok but comment without the context? How bloody stupid.

Poor you, racism from kids this age is so depressing. I think, in your position if you can't get a bursary or downsize, I would move to a more diverse area but research and plan it very carefully. Obviously houses near better performing schools will be more expensive so you need to factor this in. We're in West London where the state schools are a wonderful melting pot of different cultures and skin types. In my son's class of 30 I don't think a single one has 2 caucasian British parents. I also grew up on the outskirts of a big city with dark skin and never had any issues.

YABU to say you cant affort to live if you are paying private school fees.

I think your DH needs to let go of the village and move.

I'm appalled that the state primary didn't do anything to stop the racist bullying, OP. They should have come down on that like a ton of bricks.

Is your granny annexe properly self-contained? If so, you could consider renting it out and putting the rental income towards the fees.

If you're really committed to DD staying at the private school, then you might need to sell up and downsize to reduce your mortgage outgoings.

Thank you.

Given that poster is a walking microaggression, I wonder if her daughter's best friend's mum even was from X country and not from the UK?

(For clarity, this next bit isn't aimed at 'you', I'm using you more generally. You specifically seem more like an ally, so I'm certainly not lumping you into the rant.)

If you're white British, you don't have the right to decide where non-white people are 'from'. It's such an emotionally charged sentiment. We all get to decide where we identify as being from. Personally, all my family would say we're from here even though we don't look white. Ethnically, we might have roots somewhere else, but it's not home, so we're not from Country X.

And plenty of non-white people refer to themselves as particular colour. White is a bit of a stupid term (really, it should be 'pinkish to reddish'!) so if any of us want to use colours which are more accurate, that's for us to use. Maybe not for other people to use...

You need to move your daughter to a state school. You cannot afford private school. Private is not a necessity.

The title of your thread is completely misleading. Had it read we can no longer afford to keep our children at private school it would have been much more accurate. You need to decide if to move to a smaller home to free up money to continue with school fees or move your child to a state school. The vast majority of children of non white backgrounds are educated in the state system,I find it impossible to think that no state school would be able to accommodate your child.

Your husband's family might have lived in that village for generations but it doesn't sound like a nice place for people who look like you,your daughter and other children you might have in the future. A bigger town would be better.