We can’t afford to live anymore

[ThatNavyPoster]

Private school fees are killing me.

We can’t afford to live anymore. I don’t know what to do. On paper my husband and I make good money, but for the past year we’ve been drowning financially.

We send our daughter to a private school. She was attending the local village school from reception to year 3, she was the only brown child in her school. Some of the older children were calling her the P word (we are not from Pakistani, not that it would be excusable if we were) and some children in her class were making comments about her skin colour and curly hair. Our daughter had been very withdrawn the whole of year 2 and 3, we put it down to post Covid disruption.

We did not expect this, my husband and his family have been in this village forever, generations are buried in the village church. Im brown, I was born in this country and so was my Mum.

We had no idea of the bullying until I picked our daughter up from school and she had cut her hair and coloured her hands with pink pen. She said she didn’t want to have curly hair or brown skin. We tried to work with the school to address the bullying, it continued all through year 3, she was becoming so distressed and started refusing to go to school.

For year 4 we moved her to a school a 45 min drive away, in a bigger town, hoping it would be more diverse. The drive was costing us £400 in petrol a month, plus £450 in wrap around care. My husband and I considered moving, he has been in the village his whole life, he has siblings and nieces/nephews here, we were helping provide care for his elderly grandparents, despite this, he agreed to move closer to the new school. Then the bullying with the p word started again, my daughter was told “go back to your country”.

We moved her to the private school 30 mins drive from our house at the beginning of year 5, she was a different child almost overnight. It’s more ethnically diverse than either of the 2 state schools, there has been no racist bullying and she has some lovely friends. She’s now in year 7. In order to afford it we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we drive a 15 year old car and rent an EV through work. We rent out our granny annexe.

We have decent paying jobs in the NHS, but we’re drowning, over the past year our outgoings have increased by close to £1000/ month due to energy price increases (we’re on LPG oil due to being in the countryside), food price rises, petrol, vat on school fees/school fee rises. We can’t afford to live anymore.

The autumn budget tax rises will finish us off by the time they are all implemented. We are not eligible for any benefits except tax free childcare. We are not eligible for any business and the school doesn’t do scholarships. The only thing left to cut is the school fees, and I am coming to the realisation that my daughter will have to go back into the system that made her hate herself because of the colour of her skin. That thought is killing me, but the school fees are killing me. I can’t see a way out.

Yes, that’s why I said obviously not for Race reasons 🙄

Teach your child to a stand up for herself in a state school?

Of course you can afford to live. Private school fees are not compulsory. Your child can go to a state school like 93% of the population.

I think so too but it's really sad to see people have to consider emigration not for economic reasons but due to racism and worry for their mixed kids.

So colourism isn’t a thing in Jamaica?

You can afford to live. You just can't afford private school.

that's why I don’t want to move to a village. I’m white but first generation immigrant.

move to a big city with decent school and diverse area

Same with us. We'd never risk a village, knowing what they can be like.

You can afford to live. You can’t afford private school like most of us - esp if around £2/3k a month depending on fees

a granny annexe sounds a large property so can you downsize if want to keep at private school

Hi @ThatNavyPoster my DD did the same while at a village primary - she used to sit in the mirror saying I hate my hair, I want to be white, etc it was so upsetting to see. I moved from that village to a city nearby and put my kids in a school where they would be in the majority not the minority. It has done them the world of good.

You're not well situated to say something doesn't exist when it does. You're just ignorant of it.

OP, if you go on to Black Mumsnetters, there are often recommendations for suitable areas and schools for black and mixed heritage children.

It's heart breaking. I'm glad that things have improved 💐

OP you should ask for the title to be changed as it’s derailing the thread if you want proper solutions to your problem.

I agree, but I don’t think they are. I think they just want to find a magic way to pay the school fees. It was probably OK before VAT and other tax increases.

Honestly, not being rude and my daughter is in the profession and she would not recommend that course of action in a state School. Standing up for yourself is likely to have quite dire consequences. The best thing you can do in a state school is just disappearing into the background which is quite difficult if you’re literally the only brown face.

I was at a private school here in Ireland from 12 to 15, absolutely hated it. Public school 15/16 to 18 and got into Med school

If you mean OP - yes, there is no magic wand for the squeezed middle.

Go say that to indigenous Jamaicans.

Do you mean the Taino or someone else?

I'd be interested to know what your husband's/his family's contribution was in tackling the racism your child experienced in this tiny village, where they've lived for generations.

I'd expect people from tiny villages know each other very well and there's a sense of community, so why did his child have to leave two schools due to racism? Surely he'd know the neighbours and could address this with the families when schools were failing. What was their response to him? What did his family think of all this?

I'm so sorry your DD has experienced so much ugliness in her short life, and I hope you can find a solution that maintains her mental and emotional safety.

Good for you but not relevant to the op whose daughter is happy and thriving at her current school.

Lots of kids leave after GCSEs and go to a sixth form college, maybe she will do that but, atm, she and her parents want her to stay put and I think she should.

If you don't want to cut the school, then you have to cut the house. Sell up, move to a 3 bed semi or terrace. Heating costs will drop due to both size and shared walls. Your mortgage will drop. Hopefully you can also find an area nearer the school to cut the travel and so save petrol. I'm really sorry, but sometimes we can't have it all. Something has to give.

That's quite the opening line from your title! If you are adamant you want to keep your DD in the school then you need to free up money from elsewhere.

If you are living in a house big enough to have an annex you rent out, I'd suggest that's your answer. Smaller house, smaller mortgage, lower bills. And free up capital for school fees.