Would you tolerate DP spending £7k on World Cup trip?

[Rigaboni]

DP declared he is travelling to the World Cup and will be staying in Boston for 10 nights, to watch two games. He will miss DDs 2nd birthday. It will cost £4k for flights and hotels, perhaps around £2k spending money and maybe around £1k for tickets.

We have separate finances, I earn a bit more. We pay a percentage of our salary in to a joint account to cover joint bills.

How would you feel about this?

YABU = it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and you can always earn more money
YANBU = I wouldn’t tolerate him treating himself to a £7k solo holiday

I have been three times this year and not experienced this.

With that in mind, I would 100% not be ok with it.
If he had it as spare fun money and was generally a considerate equal parent, I may be ok with it for a big one off event,(though would be a bit peeved about the birthday, not cos the child will care, but cos he should!) But in those circumstances, where it will impact of family goals and experiences...no way.

My DP is going and I am more than happy for him to spend the money on it. He has waited nearly 30 years for it

I am still deciding whether to go too, which now the games have been announced and they are in the middle of the night it is looking more tempting

Yes it will make money tight but I agree it is once in a lifetime for most Scotland fans. Roll on the summer

NO SCOTLAND NO PARTY 🎉 🎉 🎂

It seems quite expensive, we're going much cheaper than that

DH wouldn't/couldn't book nights away without checking the dates with me (or vice versa) when there's a young child - what if we both booked the same dates away without consulting with each other? If he asked me in advance and I could make solo parenting work with my schedule for his proposed ten days, that would be OK provided I knew he'd do the same for me in a similar situation. I actually would not stress over the birthday; celebrate it on the day without him and perhaps he can "attend" briefly via zoom or something just to say Happy Birthday and watch the present-opening.

I WOULD be annoyed that he is spending so much money he doesn't have!! (Yes, it's his money, and not up to me to allow or disallow his spending it, but it impacts me if it means he takes the money away from things we normally do together/as a family). But at £7k, he's booked a luxury holiday on a far higher than necessary budget when he should - if he has his heart absolutely set on this - be economising as much as possible. That includes a cheap flight even if it means a stopover, and perhaps spending the nights when he isn't attending a game in a cheaper area outside of the city centre. It involves buying his beer at the supermarket on most non-game nights instead of pub- and club-hopping every night. And it involves buying the tickets while they're still available, if he hasn't!!

Boston is always expensive and will be more so on WC game days, but he can do this a LOT cheaper, especially if he's sharing a room. His estimate isn't shockingly high for a ten days balls-out summer trip to Boston, but it's significantly excessive if his real intent is just to spend ten days in and around Boston and see Scotland play twice. (He could also probably cut the trip down to a week total including travel if he's just intending to see the Haiti and Morocco games.)

YANBU, having read your updates.

I was ready to say YABU if he could afford it and you could have an equivalent treat later on, but debt is only really justifiable if it's caused by a need rather than a want. He has to accept he just can't afford it, opportunity or not.

The birthday is unfortunate but not a deal breaker - your DD wouldn't have remembered.

@Bruisername says it perfectly.

That would be fine as long as I got a £7k holiday also and he has the kids!

Any bloke that throws away £7K to see a couple of football matches with his mates instead of prioritising spending time with his family, isn’t ever going to be a decent involved father.

You've chosen badly! Now you have to work out what you’re going to do about it.

I wondered that too.

Well, the debt thing changes the whole situation. If it really was separate finances and he had the money saved up, without comprising his share of the household spending, that would be a different matter. But getting into debt for this is incredibly irresponsible when you also have financial obligations to your family.

Are you married to him, OP? Because if you are, I believe that debt is shared if he used a joint credit card.

I suppose it's too late now to recoup the cost, as he has already booked it.

Yes but "own" money is surely after monthly bills including savings are accounted for.

What's the point of splitting money if not?
We've always separated our income, in varying ways over the years...if my husband said I couldn’t do something which was going to be out of "my" money, I'd be annoyed and find it very controlling.

As part of a couple you are still individual people with your own wants and needs.

Couldn't be with anyone who prioritised a football match over his family. Any football match.

wish people would read at least the ops posts first

hes booked it most of it is on credit he didnt discuss it

If he had the money in the bank and it wasn't going to place a financial restrictions on the family, I understand why he would want to go and as a one off, for something special, I could get my head around him missing your childs 2nd birthday.

But if I have read your various posts correctly, I feel your pain on several fronts here:

a). the fact he didn't discuss this with you before committing such a substantial chunk of money solely on him, comes across to me as quite controlling. He wanted it, he was having it and so he committed to it financially BEFORE discussing it with you. He knews he shouldn't be doing it.
b), This is worrying because he is using credit to cover this expense as he does not have the money
c). He is depriving his family of a family holiday and of a buffer for an future issues.
d). He has assumed you are happy to hold the fort as a single parent whilst he is away.
e). He is taking time off work, he isn't considering how that plays out for you when you take your leave.

Personally I wouldn't be putting any money in the savings account, I would be putting it into a savings account that he does not know about for you and the kids...just in case.

I'm not saying this is marriage ending stuff but his selfishness and lack of financial consideration for the well being and impact on the family would be a massive red flag and deep, deep concern for me. On his wage, assuming he had no other existing debt, he is going to be spending a lot of money on servicing his debt and as you say, any shortfall will fall to you.

So sorry, but I would be reading him the riot act.

If that happens he can just take out more debt, if it’s fine for a holiday it’s absolutely fine for an essential like the boiler. I wouldn’t be covering him.

If he is a Scot I get it.

@PluckyChancer she has not chosen badly. He has chosen to behave badly.

There is no need to blame women when men behave like dicks.

Once in a life time thing I would be ok with it maybe a little celebration with daddy in advance people should feel able to do things they worked hard for and by the sound of it you both can afford it .

Going into debt for a holiday is not one of the shared values in my marriage. We only use debt to use our money to make more money. I wouldn’t be ok with using debt for something frivolous.

@Iziz why do you think they can afford it?

OP has made it clear he will need to go into debt to finance the bulk of the trip, will have no savings left and that he will not be able to contribute to family holidays for several years or to renovations on their shared home.

No chance! Definitely wouldnt even trust him on a holiday like this...probably do something silly when drunk.
But for me, I wouldn't pick a man who was this type of person anyway. My peace is more important.

its not his money he's used, he's put it on a credit card.

where do you get that from? he's putting it on a credit card and won't be able to contribute to family savings or holidays because of it.

@Iziz he’s getting into debt and will take at least a couple of years to pay off and no family holidays etc in the meantime. In what world is that affording it?

No.