Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

I think everything else is irrelevant. Jane should not have agreed to go out for lunch if she was not going to eat anything there, so this whole situation is on her.

God I hate these situations where someone asks something unreasonable, you say no and are then made out to be uptight.

why didn’t colleague eat lunch at her desk before going out? Bonkers!
I wouldn’t let anyone eat in my brand new car either.

I used to help out a former friend by running her 3 year old to playgroup with my son so she could go to work without dealing with drop offs. We had a hard "no food" rule in the car when the kids were little and she could not believe I was seriously making her PFB finish his toast and jam on the pavement. Lots of people have rules about not eating in the car.

Stropping out of your own lunch was a bit extreme but your colleagues are exceptionally odd.

My thoughts exactly.

You weren't in the wrong. Jane should have eaten her lunch at her desk before you all went out. How odd to go to a restaurant and plan on not eating there. Pathetic.

You all sound like fucking nutcases to me tbh

Happy Birthday for yesterday! You sound completely sane and congratulations on the car. It sounds very exciting.

I can't get over a colleague wanting to attend your birthday lunch but not go the restaurant and instead think eating her lunch in your car was anyway normal? How on earth was that celebrating your birthday?

Seriously if you aren't willing to eat anything at all in a restaurant then you shouldn't attend.

Thank you that’s very kind.

She's being ridiculous anyway. People on diets need to manage restaurants - undressed salad or veg, steamed fish etc. Asking to sit and eat in your new car and then lock it for you while everyone else is celebrating your birthday in the restaurant is odd.

My car is 13 years old;no one has ever eaten in it and no one ever will. Your colleauge is an arsehole.

They sound so immature.

What I can’t understand is why they all took the time to troop out to a restaurant to celebrate your birthday, only to gang up on you like a bunch of schoolgirls and wind you up to the point of intolerable awkwardness. I wonder whether these people are actually nastier and more calculating than you’ve given them credit for. Or they are just very, very strange. Either way, I wouldn’t be apologising or climbing down. I wouldn’t sulk either, but my attitude in the office going forward would be extremely professional and nothing approaching friendship with any of them. And no more ridiculous birthday meals that make nobody happy.

The cynic in me wonders if it was on purpose like some sort of self imposed challenge. “Ha! I’ve had my lunch in Nevs’ brand new car!”.

She had so many option.
Eat before.
Eat after.
Pick something off the actual menu.
Travel and eat in the other car.
At the very least ask you beforehand.

She knew you’re uptight and have issues with stuff like this, so no excuses.

You sound far too uptight OP.

Your colleague was BU to ask to eat in the car. I have very strict dietary requirements so I get where she’s coming from but I would just eat my lunch in the restaurant explaining that I have to have certain foods and can’t risk eating out. I’ve done it loads of times and restaurants are afraid of allergies so they say nothing.

But YABVU to have had a strop and walked out. It’s very immature behaviour.

Your colleague is the ridiculous for accepting lunch invitation to a restaurant and bringing a packed lunch. That's totally bonkers. Yes you are a bit precious about your car but its yours and you were kind enough to give them a lift. Don't give them a lift again.

Your colleague who wanted to eat in your car is a cunt.

That is all.

Is Jane is on special diet due to allergies, a medical reason or a weight loss diet suddenly started that day?!
One thing that annoys me is people suddenly deciding to go on a weight loss diet the minute they come round or go out for a meal and seem to enjoy making a big fuss about it and inconveniencing others!

I wouldn’t expect to eat in anyone’s car, regardless of it being brand new or a total scruffy wreck! She was unreasonably to expect to be able to eat her packed lunch that she could have eaten in the office prior to setting of for the restaurant . I hope this hasn’t spoiled your birthday! 💐💐

Even if you weren’t a clean freak Jane is being a weirdo. So she’s on a diet- she can choose a low calorie option!
YANBU at all.
Id start looking for another job!

Yanbu, tedious bullshit no one has time for. Lunchbox woman was weird, you can order salad, and your car, your rules! Nothing wrong with being clean and tidy.

Jane is very much at fault here. She shouldn't have asked to eat in your car because it is new and she knows you are 'a clean freak'. She did ask. You said no. She could have eaten outside then joined you in the restaurant, telling everyone before you left the office that that's what she was going to do. But if I was one of your colleagues, I'd be pretty p*ssed off that you walked out of the restaurant when everyone had turned out in your honour.

Yes that’s what it felt like to be honest.

If I went to someone else’s house for example, and the host told someone not to eat on her sofa as no one eats in the living room, and I kept pushing “You know it would be nice if you let her eat on your sofa” I’d expect to get put in my place to be honest. I don’t know what other reaction they were expecting from me to be honest. I’m not a loud person but I’m know for being firm when needed.

“I have not personally experienced this specific situation therefore it cannot possibly be true!”