Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

did they come back after lunch?

YNBU!

New car or not, I wouldn't let somebody sit in my car to eat their packed lunch whilst I was somewhere else. And leave them with the keys so they could lock it up afterwards? Er, no, not unless they were my partner, or a close friend or family. And none of them would be eating lunch in my car.

Why on earth did she go to the lunch if she wasn't going to eat anything? And why not say well beforehand?

I think she (they, even) put you in a situation where, to them, you weren't going to come out of it looking anything but unreasonable. To spring it on you when you got to the venue was incredibly rude.

You're already stressed, didn't want to go, and this incident just pushed you over the edge. You may have ended up having a bit of a strop, which was unfortunate, but it wasn't your fault.

Even if it was just crumbs, you said no. That should’ve been good enough.

If they were handing out medals for being a slob, I’d win the gold(and silver and bronze) but I respect your want and need to keep your shit clean /how you want it.Even more so if you had given me a lift.

Really? OP has just bought a new car and wants to keep it nice and clean. Why should she have to spend her spare time cleaning up bits of a colleague's lunch? OP's colleague is a cf and a twat to boot.

I don't let anyone eat in my car either, since my two best mates tipped a tub of popcorn all over the back seat and floor of my first car, I was still finding bits of fucking popcorn years later.😡

My workmate ate crisps in my new car on 5th July 2018. Clearly, I am not over it.

Your workmates sound odd and tiresome. If she was going to sit in the car, what was the point in coming out? Why didn't she just eat beforehand like a normal person if she wanted to join to be social?

@Nevs I think your delivery was perhaps harsher than needed but to be honest I don’t think you were unreasonable because they totally put you on the spot.

and if Emma was so concerned about Jane starving to death in your hour lunch break she could have let her eat in her car.

it kinda makes me feel like it was a bit of a set up really to press your buttons - it’s so preposterous that someone would do that - I mean wtaf?? I can’t imagine anyone
on here pulling out a lunch box and saying “I’m just gonna eat here in your car”

Everyone involved in this sounds prickly and inflexible. Very odd behaviour from your colleague- she should have either declined or just ordered something small. I struggle to believe that there wasn't a small starter that would have been suitable for her diet. Or I guess she could have eaten beforehand. All sorts of options other than the very strange one she had planned on.

You were quite arsey about it but you know that.

When someone says no when you ask to do something with/in their property, you respect that.
You dont ask several times and then moan about it to others and have a pile on about it.

No is no, end of story.

It’s hard to measure how bad it is to be honest, as I’ve always been this way since I was young, and it’s all I’ve known.

If you’d like examples…

I have a cleaner who comes twice a week.

My bed has to be made as soon as I get up. If I don’t make it, and come out the shower and back into my bedroom and my bed is a mess, it makes me uneasy. I definitely wouldn’t leave the house without my bed made.

I have a sliding door walk in stand alone slower, I clean the glass after each shower.

I clean the surfaces of my kitchen and dining room table everytime I cook and clean.

My house has been decorated and is very colour/texture coordinated. Everything has to make theme.

I don’t like to leave anything out on my kitchen worktop or tables, unless they’re for decorative purposes. Like candles, ornaments etc. Any random items need to be stored away in their place.

I am a bit rigid. I like my home to look nice.

So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car

Why didn't you all go in the other car?

I am not a clean freak. My car is often a mess. But I remember once detailing a car I used to own and making it immaculate and my boyfriend at the time (now ex) starting to eat in it. It was greasy chicken and chips. He was always eating. I yelled at him over it and told him to get out of my car.

Your car is brand new. I think your colleague set you up. It wouldn’t have killed her to eat her lunch at the office. She absolutely knew what she was doing. And to continue on about it is absolutely disgusting.

Your colleague knew she wasn't eating at the restaurant, so should have ate her lunch at her desk before leaving the office. She took a lunchbox with her in your car, fully aware and expecting to be able to eat her lunch in the car. That's rude, and unreasonable. No one eats in my car (or my husband's), end of. I would have said No too. You weren't in the wrong in saying no. However, your reaction in the restaurant was over-the-top, especially just leaving. Unfortunately, I think Monday is likely to be awkward, and you're likely going to need to make the effort to clear the air. You work with these people for a large proportion of the day, you can't have a frosty atmosphere at work.

A couple of the girls have larger figures..

You all sound odd. Why are people putting up with your tantrum - you are a fecking monster, dear ! And the woman with the lunch box - who the hell does that at a work lunch ?

Are you one of those people who hides your kettle and toaster when not using them?

No I’m not that bad 😂

They stay out. The rest, like my air fryer etc, go in the cupboard.

You are meant to air your bed after sleeping in it because all of the sweat and dead skin cells are trapped and it becomes a playground for dust mites.

Your current routine is not particularly hygienic.

My child wakes up and makes his bed. He’s done it since he was three. My partner comes in afterwards - pulls back the duvet and opens the blinds and window to air out the room.

I recognise myself here when I had really bad OCD. I minimised and masked it and then finally could see how bad it was and got help.

Just something for you to be aware of if it gets worse or impacts your life in a negative way.

Just take in a box of “birthday” donuts and leave out for everyone on Monday and then carry on as normal.

I would say don’t be too hard on yourself or quick to label yourself a “clean freak”, (wiping your desk) we are all having to slowly unlearn behaviour that took over us all in covid times.
(I'm still trying to unlearn pulling chairs out in public places with my foot to avoid using my hands)

Interesting. What help did you receive for OCD?

This 💯. Jeez. 😂

Oh god.
You've done it now.

I can’t fathom why she expected everyone to wait in the restaurant for her while she ate in the car. If she ate before or after then no problem but the idea that there are 4 of you in the restaurant and her in the car, even if you order without her there is just weird.

YANBU it’s your new car. OCD or not plenty of people would not want to risk sauce or crumbs in their new car. Or food smells.

I read the whole post and I agree with her

I agree that making the bed immediately isn't the most hygienic option.

OP, could you try neatly folding the duvet and any covers down, stretching the sheet, and fixing the pillows, so it looks tidy? Then make it properly before you leave the house?

(Sorry, bit of a sidetrack, there. The rest of your routine makes for a peaceful existence, and is something I dream about!)