Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

How odd of your colleague to go a restaurant for lunch and not eat anything. Was she having a drink? Why didn't she just eat at the office? She took her lunch out with her to a restaurant, so the plan the whole time must have been to eat it in your car? The whole thing is bonkers. I can't relate to not letting anyone eat in my car because I'm a slob and wouldn't care, but I think the strangeness of it would have bemused me.

I’m torn because I don’t really think you were BU, your colleague was to want to eat in someone else’s brand new car, especially knowing you’re a bit of a clean freak. Why didn’t she just go in the other car? But then it will be awkward and people will be blaming you. I’m not sure how you’d resolve this really.

Lunchbox woman could have sat in the other car and eaten her food. Didn’t the other driver suggest it? Did anyone??

I don’t see how you could have made your position clearer, tbf.

Yes her plan the whole time was to eat in my car, unbeknown to me. She refused to pull it out in the restaurant so she’s not totally clueless on etiquette

Her behaviour was really crappy and rude. While you were rather OTT, it sounds like your behaviour only escalated because the others wouldn’t bloody let it go.

All I can say is I would not have expected to eat lunch in someone's new car. She was unreasonable.

Lunchbox woman should have eaten it in the office beforehand (or just not gone to the lunch at all). Why was she going to sit alone in your car eating, and then sit and watch you all eat a restaurant? That’s weird.

I don’t think you were unreasonable in not wanting someone to eat in your car- depending on what the food was, of course, but I do think you were untreasonable to be snappy and to walk out.

Its going to be uncomfortable on Monday.

No Emma did not offer her car to Jane, despite telling me it would have been “nice” if I’d have allowed her to use mine.

I’d not have been happy either , I made my nephew stand outside of my new car to eat his IKEA hotdog yesterday and even then complained about his breath afterwards in my new car - give it a few weeks and I’ll be more relaxed about it but not hotdogs , they turn my stomach

Your colleagues are weirdos! You sound a bit rigid but I don't mean that in a bad way, it's kind of endearing and they should know what you're like. It's bloody rude to try and insist on eating in someone else's brand new car.

DH still hasn't got over a friend eating a flake in his car when they were teens!

Good god. She's a grown woman, surely she would have eaten without making any mess. You sound ridiculously uptight. Ill bet they won't want to go out with you again. You'll be lucky if they even speak to you in the office.

Then it sounds like some sort of ghastly set-up. In which case they’re arseholes.

Time to ditch this pointless custom. Nobody needs to be wasting time and spending money during the working day on a lunch out with colleagues for their birthday. You were rude but honestly the whole situation was silly.

Could it have been a set up? I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable

Your colleague WBU to expect to eat in your car and not order in the restaurant - very odd behaviour. I think you W also BU by letting it become a bigger issue than it needed to be.

Sounds like they were winding you up.

What a strange situation. Why was she even coming out if she couldn’t eat in the restaurant? She was wrong for eating in your car. Your response was rather strange and walking out in a tantrum is the kind of thing a stroppy teenager would do.

You all sound as bad as each other really. All very odd.

I didn’t realise so many people were hung up about people eating in their cars. Unless she’s a toddler she’s hardly likely to make a mess. I’d have just asked her to use her lunchbox as a plate so she didn’t drop crumbs.

Hm.
I agree, your car your rules.
If I was accepting a ride from someone, I would not ask to eat in their car, or smoke in their car, or ask if I could control the radio station, And to be honest, I would either even be hesitant about entering the car if I had wet/muddy boots even if the other person had wet/money boots I would still ask first.
I believe in being respectful to other people's property.

The same way that if I was visiting someone's house then I didn't know them very well, I would immediately take off my shoes upon entering, and also be very respectful, not putting cups down without a coaster, not leaving crumbs on the table, not scraping or throwing my chair back, I would be extra cautious. Because you want to be respectful, now if the other person says leave your shoes on, don't worry about the mess, oh it's fine, whatever. And you mirror what they're doing, that's okay.

But this colleague knew, as they all know, that you're quite fastidious.
This colleague knew that everyone was going out for a lunch. This colleague knew that they didn't want to eat at the restaurant.
I think putting you in the position without any advanced notice of oh can I eat in your car, no that's not really very fair. I will admit, you do sound super super fastidious,, more than I would enjoy being around but that's okay. Everyone's got their own ways of doing things. I believe in keeping your personal property in good repair, clean, organized, and all the rest, but maybe not quite to the level that you do.

No I think that you're going to be talked about over the weekend, that perhaps they won't be quite as friendly with you on Monday, but aside from that, I wouldn't worry about it. So many people are so casual in treating other people's property as their own these days, and that's what your work colleague was doing. Maybe lots of people eating their cars, I would have to guess probably at least 90% of people do, but that doesn't mean that you do.

And for the record, I also would never agree to "Oh yeah sure, eating my car and here's the keys lock up when you're done!"

It’s the cheekiness of it that annoyed me, rather than the potential mess. I know she could have been tidy but they all know what I am like.

It’s the fact she knew I would be uncomfortable, but was prepared to hope that I would people please and sit there unhappy silently. I think she was taken aback that I cut straight to the chase and said no.

If they don’t talk to me again, I can live with that.

Whatever the issue, I cannot bear people who won’t be told, or who won’t take no for an answer. A hint should have been enough for her - or better still, she shouldn’t even have put you in that awkward situation.

It was your new car, you kindly gave her a lift, she was being weird about her diet preventing her from eating in the restaurant (so wtf did she come out of the office?).

I’ve weighed this all in my weird scales and she was definitely the weirder one.

What kind of restaurant was it? Surely there was something she could have ordered for her diet requirements.. even a starter. I wouldn't want to be in a restaurant with friends that were eating and me not or with just a drink .
You are not being unreasonable at all. Shes a cheeky fecker.

You both sound a bit mad and obsessive. Who eats lunchbox food in a car outside a restaurant? Who cares if a bit of food gets on a car interior? Surely it can be cleaned. You both sound stubborn