Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

I'm a slob, eating in the car wouldn't bother me at all.
But going out for lunch to celebrate a colleague's birthday and then not ordering any food is bonkers and would irritate me massively, so yanbu.
Well done for maintaining your boundaries.

I don’t think you’re uptight or anything like that in any way. It’s your new car, why wouldn’t you want to enjoy it and keep it nice and clean for as long as possible??
your colleague is the weird one.

I hope you managed to have a nice birthday after all that. I’ve never owned a brand new car so I would have been exactly the same as you, no food allowed and I can’t believe the cheek of Jane expecting to do that, especially as she already knew about your cleanliness issues and the fact that you literally had a brand new car. It’s a shame you missed your birthday meal and I hope work goes ok for you on Monday.

I eat in my car all the time but I don't think you're being unreasonable to not want people eating in yours

Blimey that was War and Peace for no reason whatsoever.

Who goes to a restaurant and has no intention of eating? Who cares if a few crumbs get in a car? Who wipes their desk down daily with an anti-bac wipe?

Finally, did this actually happen?

Flakes should only be eaten in fields.

@Nevs YANBU. Eating in someone's brand new car is like walking over someone's brand new carpet with shoes on. If you've got any manners then you just don't do it.

What happened in the afternoon when you all went back to work?

Or house guests doing food combining, saying they only eat protein and no carbs in the evening, then snaffle half the celeriac and potato gratin you have prepared for you, DH and the three other guests coming round.

😂👏

I wonder if this was meant to be some kind of office banter and it fell completely flat and they realised it was really awkward rather than funny..? Otherwise, it seems such a strange situation to occur.

I thought they could only be eaten in the bath while someone yowls about the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate.

Lunchbox woman was completely unreasonable for various reasons, all of which have been covered.
You could take cakes in on Monday to smooth it over, as a belated birthday celebration.
And a mandarin lump of coal for lunchbox woman.

Yay, finally someone called out the CF!

Brava

I hadn't considered that but I think you could be right!

I don't think I would have walked out, but you were not unreasonable to not let her eat in your car.
Why was she going out to a restaurant of she wasn't going to eat anyway?

You are not unreasonable at all. I’m becoming increasingly sick of many people putting their needs and whims above everyone else’s. And actually, it’s always the same people who are expected to make all the compromises. Why is there an expectation that YOU have to be the one who is put out in this situation but nobody else? God forbid she eats before or after or in her other mate’s car, but somehow you’re the rigid one??

Hmm, a few posters have suggested this possibility. To be honest, I had not considered this.

If it’s true I’d be even more unhappy with them, Emma wasn’t delivering her words to me in a lighthearted way. So I hope it’s not.

I don’t think they’re that vindictive in all fairness.

Do you think lunchbox was intentionally trying to get a rise out of you especially knowing it’s your brand new car? She could have skipped the lunch or had a late brekkie or simply eaten at the office at any other time during the day?

Honestly, you are a lot more fastidious than me (I kind of envy you, to be frank) but not at all unreasonable.

It's weird and cheeky AF to whip out the lunchbox and just expect you to be fine with it. Weirder still that they all ganged up on you about it without offering a solution that made everyone comfortable, like Jane eating in Emma's car if it's not a big deal.

I admire you for leaving the situation. Why sit there in painful awkwardness? Especially on your own birthday! Most people probably would have just sat there miserable but that's not necessarily the right thing to do. If nobody even attempted to smooth over the discomfort then I suspect they were getting some sort of weird kick out of doing this in the first place.

I hope Monday isn't too awkward but if it is, I really don't see how that's your fault. Being snappy wasn't great but sounds like you were pushed to it.

I'd go in with all intentions of being civil and friendly. If it's not reciprocated then again, that's them creating the problem, not you.

Happy birthday and enjoy your lovely car!

That’s just a weird thing for her to do, even if she was with someone who isn’t precious about their car. Like, eat before or after, or just don’t go! What kind of diet is this?

You do sound quite wound up, op. But like you’ve said, you’re stressed with work, plus they know you well enough to know better. They shouldn’t have gone on about the subject, they should’ve dropped it.

Christ on a bike. It's only food. Not like she was wanting to take a great steaming dump in your motor.

She was completely out of order to ask you in the first place, and then she just compounded that by pushing the matter and trying to guilt trip you/ make you look bad on front of colleagues. I wouldn't dream of eating or asking to eat in someone else's car. Doesn't matter if it is brand new and pristine or older and more worn. I would have felt mightily pissed off too. Your reaction is totally understandable.

Are you sure she had always planned this though? Is it not possible she's been under pressure with her own work and didn't get round to eating so hoped you wouldn't mind? If she's been publicly talking about her diet she may not have kept track of who she's told. Lots of people are also under pressure financially at this time of year and she may not have been able to afford lunch but didn't want to slight you by not attending.

I agree they all should have left it when you said no the first time but I personally couldn't have got worked up over this unless it was a really ridiculously messy meal. Especially if the alternative was leaving someone to go hungry.

Your delivery was very rude and I would be going in on Monday to apologise,especially since they were doing something nice taking you out. Being under pressure with work is your issue to deal with, you can't make your colleagues your punching bag when you're stressed even if they do annoy you.

Happy birthday for yesterday Nevs. I hope the rest of your day was better than the lunchtime episode.

Your colleagues are being dicks, to put it bluntly, especially Jane. As others have said, I think she was deliberately trying to wind you up. I’m impressed that you faced it head on and didn’t take any crap, including walking out. Sitting through an awkward lunch would have been excruciating and pointless, but a wet blanket like me would have sat there and tried to smooth it over. Hopefully they won’t mess with you again - your attitude to your car and workspace may be considered unusual by some people, but it’s really nobody’s business but your own. Your colleagues need to learn basic respect.

You were not being unreasonable to say no to your colleague eating in your car but, as for the rest of it, you were utterly ott. Anyway, on the plus side, no need to worry about any future celebrations with your colleagues.