Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

Thank you.

You sum up entirely how I think in general.

I am generally very polite and fair, however I do not like to people please. The way I see it is people who put me in awkward situations don’t show me consideration, so why should I consider their feelings above my own.

Equally I would hate for people to people please me, I wouldn’t want to put anyone out or make them uncomfortable

I just wouldn't bother going out with your colleagues again after this OP. Not worth the bad atmosphere at work.

Thank you 😘

@Nevs It's fine to tell someone not to eat in your car, but the mistake you made was that you engaged in the argument which caused it to escalate.

I eat in my car, but if I was someone who doesn't eat in my car... I would have asked Jane not to eat (which is what you did), and then in the restaurant, I would have simply ignored all discussion regarding the incident, or at the very most, I would have simply restated "no food in the car" in response to every question.

By engaging in the argument, it adds more fuel to the fire and it gives other people something to work with, which caused the escalation.

I’m bemused by this. Unless the colleague was planning to eat something messy that might have involved sauce or similar being dripped on the seats, I don’t see the problem. If she'd dropped a few crumbs it would have been easy to sweep or hoover them up afterwards. But then I’m not a houseproud person and certainly not a car-proud person. IMO human relationships are more important than a few crumbs.

Well done for sticking to your guns and actually saying no to an entitled cow. Too many people on here are too scared to speak up then just have a moan about it on mumsnet. She's a moron. Any body with an ounce of sense would eat lunch before hand then come to restaurant and have a drink or something

You didn’t want to be there so jumped, at you colleague’s expense, on the opportunity to get out of it.
They all made the effort for you, you should be embarrassed by your behaviour.

Nailed it.

Why show consideration to those who show you none?

They will sheepishly apologise on Monday, which is too fucking late anyway or they will sheepishly stay silent and pretend it never happened.

Either way, wide berth needed, block their personal numbers and only engage where you have to in relation to your work.

They were never your friends or colleagues. They are spineless CF cunts.

PS - congrats on the car (what did you get!) and Belated Happy Birthday 👍

Asking to eat something in the car pales in comparison to what you did @Nevs.

Nobody eats in my car. Plain water only.

Never mind the eating in your car - the being a freak who just sits there not eating and harshing everyone else's vibe makes her the arsehole of the century. Why did she come? Tight cow.

Jane sounds like a fucking moron. Who does that? I’m not a clean freak particularly but I wouldn’t eat in someone’s car nor would I want someone eating in my new car.

Stropping off was probably a bit OTT but fuck them, they sound like twats anyway.

Of all the things that never happened this sounds the neverest
Agree. I have an old car and I do not eat in it.
'I won't make a mess' means stained seats and greasy crumbs on the floor.

Yeah this seems really weird. Your colleague was unreasonable. Really passive aggressive too.

Who goes to a restaurant when they're not going to eat something? It's rude to the restaurant to the OP and the colleagues. Anyone can eat an undressed green salad whatever diet they're on.

And if she was going to eat in your car, why did she wait till you were pulling up.

Reminds me of the old signs in shops: please don't ask for credit as a refusal often offends.

Did you read the whole post? I wasn’t just asked, once.

I was asked, again and again. Then ganged up on.

People are simplifying the situation and making it about the crumbs. Try look at the bigger picture please.

How bad are you cleaning and tidying rituals, do they govern your life?

I wouldn’t dream of eating in someone else’s car, unless I saw them doing it too.

Why did Lunchbox Woman not stay and eat her lunch in work then?

You sound like you've had about enough of this lot, OP. Can't altogether blame you

I’m as messy as they come, my car is portable bin at times but you are not being unreasonable.

I rather like you OP. Never apologise for having nice things and keeping them nice. Good for you.

She only jumped after jane insisted, then made a big deal out of it by telling the others , then the others wouldn’t let it go and made a big deal out of it too. Which is fair enough.

What an unpleasant way to behave. It's as though at least one of your colleagues was deliberately winding you up on what was meant to be a celebration for you.
It's not acceptable to take up a seat in a restaurant and not eat, either. Crazy behaviour.

Given she had the choice of 2 cars to get a lift in why would she choose the brand new car and colleague known to be v particular about mess? She sounds like the type that likes to 'put others in their place' and show them up to make herself feel good.