Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

I have read through your updates @Nevs and frankly, I believe that this was set up to goad you. If someone has a brand new car, is known to like things neat and tidy, then you go with that, you do not expect to eat your lunch in the back. For Pete's sake, how many of us when we get a new notebook think, I will write neatly and tidily, which may happen for a number of pages, but we do not keep it up, you are one of the good ones who manage to keep it up.

I hope you were able to put this behind you and have a very happy birthday... some people are just rather unkind and I suspect this is what perpertrated on you, yesterday, You deserve better.

Lunchbox woman was being unreasonable. But you were also a bit stroppy to walk out.

As you all usually get on and don't mind a bit of mild teasing, I think I'd sort of apologise but sort of make light of it on Monday. E.g. "Sorry I got a bit stroppy about the car Jane. You know what I'm like about mess and it's just that it is brand new. Think I'm also a bit stressed with workload". Or something.

Thank you you’re so kind.

I bought a Range Rover Sport D300. Black. I’ve wanted one for a while so very happy with it, I guess that’s why i’m uptight about eating it in.

Ive never eaten in any of my cars, though.

I make my bed first thing, wipe down my desk at the end of the day (saves the cleaners disturbing stuff) and tidy up after myself at home. It’s normal. I would’ve laughed in the face of lunchbox woman. She should’ve come in had a cup of coffee or whatever with the rest of you new car or not.

Smile and ignore if anyone mentions this rubbish again. Consider looking for a new job too. Weirdos.

Ha thank you, wish I’d had my birthday lunch with you instead 🤣

Odd thing to do. Can I eat in your car ? Leave the keys with me !
She should have talked to you first and declined to come. Or choose carefully from the menu.
They seem to a bit put out by your assertiveness and lack of need to be their friends. Don't change that.
Worst case scenario lunch box woman was going to make a mess in your car just to see your reaction. No, there is worse, forget to lock car, handbrake off.
See what Monday brings. But watch your back.

Your car cost the same as a small house. No, they won't be eating in it ffs.

Your colleague shouldn’t have gone if she was just going to sit there and watch you all eat, that would put me off my meal. Surely she could have asked the restaurant to make a salad without any dressing or just had a bowl of soup or a kids meal.

This is all bonkers. I can’t get over someone going to a restaurant but not eating. Really strange behaviour.

yanbu at all, however it might be prudent to send a group text apologising for walking out. Say you know you over reacted but it put you in a very uncomfortable situation, and that you are sorry for over reacting and hope you can all move on.

You shouldn’t have to, but it would be better than working in an uncomfortable office.

Your routine at home and work seems a bit rigid bit not excessive.

I'm not that fussy, but when I got my first car (decades ago), my parents borrowed it. They knew I didn't allow eating in my car but I found a piece of battered fish on the floor.
My mother borrowed it, and parked on a street leaving the key in the ignition.

Nobody gets to borrow my car now.

My toaster lives in the cupboard, but I hardly ever use it.

Agreed! This is bonkers - you all sounds like toddlers

How odd of your colleague. People with manners don’t feel entitled to eat in a colleague’s brand new car or to be allowed to sit in it with the keys. Is she always this odd.

I think I would have just laughed at her and said of course you can’t Jane, this is a brand new car, even I’m not allowed to eat in it. Why on earth did she even go, the idea of sitting in your car alone, eating lunch while you’re in the restaurant sounds bizarre.

I do think you sounded very tightly strung generally but as you say you felt stressed. Your colleague was in the wrong, not you.

Colleague should have eaten before leaving, or at least asked you earlier in the day, so if you said no, she could make an alternative plan.

I’m glad I don’t have to work with you! You have handled things really badly and created a problem for yourself moving forward. Your colleagues probably dislike you now. If you really couldn’t cope with the idea of someone eating in your car then you were within your rights to refuse to let this happen, but you could have been more polite about it. Just explain that you have issues with cleanliness and you can’t seem to overcome them. Then, the problem in the restaurant wouldn’t have arisen. You shouldn’t have walked out the restaurant either: you seem very self absorbed and you have poor people skills.

Oh my gosh, that would absolutely infuriate me.

You should see the floor after my MIL eats, plenty of grown adults can't eat without making a mess.

My parents have instigated no food in cars since they became grandparents and I might do the same. At the moment there is no hot food allowed in my car but might go the whole hog.

OP it will be awkward but they shouldn't be surprised and it really is on strange woman wanting to eat in your car and then saying leave her there with the keys is just bizarre.

I did explain that, multiple times but they weren’t letting up. That’s when I snapped. Do you expect me to remain polite forever?

I am polite but I’m not a fool either.

Sorry but i think the poster is right. In a brand new car i wouldnt think of eating lunch. Im not tidy at alo but i respect other peoples boundaries.

14 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, it was hard but changed my life. My thing was straight lines, ledges, smears, people coming to my house making a mess and messing up my routine and then gradually I gave up more and more fun things and hobbies etc.
keep an eye on how much a compulsion it is to for example clean your shower door etc.

How weird! In this instance Im absolutely certain this woman could have found something on the menu to eat that would not have conflicted with her diet. It's a different matter if she has severe allergies and needed to prepare her own food because of the risks associated with eating out. To plan and assume that its perfectly ok for you to sit there in the car park while she scoffs her lunch in your new car is rude. To compound this by casting the sympathy line in the restaurant blatantly with another colleague causing embarrassment and a row was utterly inappropriate and Im not surprised you got up and left. Your birthday too. This woman is and has a problem!
I hate these do's. I belong to an art club we are all pensioners, I m there for the art but they insist on meals out for everyones birthday. Mine is coming up. I've asked not to arrange anything on my behalf. This is because of the behaviour of the organiser who gets seriously drunk and makes a fool of herself. She becomes loud , adversarial, and ends up on the floor or passed out in the toilets after wine she keeps ordering, shes got a pronlem. When weve bought wine to share she takes nearly all of it. We deal with it by exiting as things crank up a gear. Best to stay out of these arrangements and you certainly should if youre senior to them. Nightmare.

How weird! In this instance Im absolutely certain this woman could have found something on the menu to eat that would not have conflicted with her diet. It's a different matter if she has severe allergies and needed to prepare her own food because of the risks associated with eating out. To plan and assume that its perfectly ok for you to sit there in the car park while she scoffs her lunch in your new car is rude. To compound this by casting the sympathy line in the restaurant blatantly with another colleague causing embarrassment and a row was utterly inappropriate and Im not surprised you got up and left. Your birthday too. This woman is and has a problem!
I hate these do's. I belong to an art club we are all pensioners, I m there for the art but they insist on meals out for everyones birthday. Mine is coming up. I've asked not to arrange anything on my behalf. This is because of the behaviour of the organiser who gets seriously drunk and makes a fool of herself. She becomes loud , adversarial, and ends up on the floor or passed out in the toilets after wine she keeps ordering, shes got a pronlem. When weve bought wine to share she takes nearly all of it. We deal with it by exiting as things crank up a gear. Best to stay out of these arrangements and you certainly should if youre senior to them. Nightmare.

Good on you for standing up for yourself. Lunchbox woman is weird and shame on her for making things a big deal.

That was the while point of the back story. OP knows she has issues. The colleagues know she has issues, yet Jane tried it on anyway. Refused to take no for an answer the first time. Then kept banging in about it. Then the others joined in.

Good for you. People don’t take the piss with people they know won’t tolerate it. Well done!