To tell friend how hurt I am...

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Let me preface by saying I've got ASD and rejection sensitivity is a huge thing for me, as well as needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed.

So for context I've known my friend about 3-4 years, she has a beauty business and I started off just as a client. We tend to just catch up before/after appointments with a coffee or occasionally over the phone, but rarely go out together. However I was also the only friend who didn't flake on her 30th birthday night out (this is important). She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me).

It was my 40th celebration last week and her babysitter let her down on the day. She managed to arrange another sitter who could only come later and said she would meet us at the venue (luckily it was a big group). Not only did she not turn up but she didn't message to let me know. I got a message on the night so say her and her ex (replacement babysitter) had had a huge row and he left - she claimed to have written a text but forgotten to press send - I can only give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

So I saw her yesterday and to make up for last week she offered to take me for a meal at 6pm today - I booked a table. She was on a Christmas do last night but promised she wouldn't be out late, and we discussed outfits for tonight, etc.

I've text her and now tried to call and no response, so have cancelled the table. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind but I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have. She's also booked on a group holiday for my birthday too so not sure how that will pan out...

Why have you cancelled the table already?

I understand you're upset and you've maybe felt the need to take control of the situation by cancelling so you know the plan but I think it's unfair to have cancelled 3 hours before. There are times I'll meet up with friends without having confirmed anything on the day so there's nothing to say she wouldn't have been there. She may just have been busy today as most people are at this time of year. The problem now is that you can't give her a piece of your mind because you have no idea if she'd have been there or not. She's not obligated to text or call you back if she's busy. Plus she's already apologised and explained what happened on your birthday and tried to make amends. You've acted too hasty here because you were so worried about being let down again you've sabotaged it in order to let yourself feel in control.

The last message I sent asked her if she wanted me to pick her up so that we could both get a lift from my house - there were never any plans for us just to meet at the restaurant.

It’s still three hours before dinner - she could be doing anything and not available to call or text back. If she knows where to meet you and when then why would you cancel? Were you planning on travelling together? I think you’ve jumped the gun on this one.

We didn't make arrangements to meet at the restaurant (and neither of us are the type of person who'd just turn up and not make contact first). I offered her a lift at 10:30 this morning - no response. I then called her at 3pm - no answer. I think a call and a text with no answer is a reasonable reason to presume we are cancelling when she was out last night and by her own admission had 'no plans' for today.

It’s still 3 hours until dinner and she might be in the shower or out!
You have really overreacted here by cancelling before you even know she isn’t coming.

Why on earth didn’t you wait until later?

Also it's not about the fact she didn't make it last weekend - shit happens I know that and it was a reasonable excuse - it's the fact that she didn't make sure to let me know. Ok saying she didn't press send on the text but then surely she'd have expected a response. Same goes for today - I'm not that bothered about going out but just not getting in touch/ignoring my text and call is the issue for me!

I think you’ve jumped the gun. There could be any number of reasons why she hasn’t been able to respond to you yet today. She might be flaky and let you down but I think you’ve made an assumption too early.

Oh and to add as well if by some miracle she does get in touch and still wants to go out that's fine - it won't take me long to get ready and there were still plenty of tables left when I booked (or plenty of other alternatives). I just think it's shit behaviour to ignore someone all day when you've promised to make up for already letting them down

I'm really sorry OP but this sounds really intense. I've arranged to meet a friend this evening. I know it will happen but we haven't finalised any plans. I've done back to back kids birthday parties today and haven't even given it a thought yet. If you said you'd go out at 6, she could have confirmed travel plans with a call at 5! You've been too hasty. Also what do you mean she's booked on a group holiday for your birthday - had you arranged another birthday celebration with her?

You've got angry on this and pulled the plug in the meal a bit prematurely because you need control and you've obsessed on this . She offered you this alternative arrangement because she couldn't make your night out due to not having a baby sitter who'd let her down. Clearly asking the ex to fill in at short notice was not the best idea. She apologised and said she'd come out for a meal tonight with you and you agreed a time. It's a busy time of year, she has a business and she has children. Her life does not revolve entirely around you, you are being too needy. There is no reason to give this lady a piece of your mind unless she is generally unreliable and has a history of messing up. Well, when she does make contact..(unless you've got in there and told her by txt not to bother meals cancelled) and discovers you've killed off the meal she might be giving you a piece of her mind! You'll have to own what you've done , you should have waited and been patient.

I need more than an hour notice to get ready and into town (never mind that I had offered to pick her up as well and wouldn't be able to). Presumably your friend doesn't have form for letting you down though? So many times we have agreed to do something but not nailed down plans - the day comes and I ask 'are we still ok for x?' with no response.

There's a group of us going away next year as a birthday celebration - family and close friends.

She’s allowed to be busy doing other stuff and no replying. It seems a bit premature to cancel the night out.

OP i think from your posts she had already confirmed tonight? Therefore, if this were me I’d expect to see her there at 6 UNLESS I heard otherwise.

occasionally if it were something booked a while in advance I might send a text a day before and just check all ok.

I think she may think you’ve been a bit quick to cancel with no reason. She’s probably busy

understand she’s cancelled before so I can see why you might be thinking this way.

Have you told her you’ve cancelled the table?

How far in advance of 6 would you need to leave in order to pick her up?

We have dinner plans for 6pm this evening.

My ds (who has ASD) is currently asleep.

He would find it odd you cancelled the table because of no response to a message because he’s said he’ll be there.

Just so you can see it from the other side.

Wow, I'll tell you something if I was this friend I wouldn't bother with you!! How nasty can you get?? This lady missed your birthday not her fault no babysitter and an uncompromising ex. She offered to go out with you tonight and you agreed on a time! She's a parent, she has a business to run and she is busy, its a busy time of year. You have brooded all day, by your own admission you say youre obsessive due to your ASD and need firm pathways, you are probably rather lonely, but if you treat people like this make unpleasant comments and expect everyone to jump when you say jump you'll end upon your own. She gave you a time, because you haven't heard from her today yet ..3 hours before youre due to meet doesnt mean she's forgotten..but I tell you what, you will lose those friend if you dont back down on this compulsiveness and needy behaviour . If this friend had read what you've written ..if I were her I wouldn't come out with you!!

A lot of drama here. 🤷‍♀️

We've never said we would meet there - we would always check in in terms of how we were getting there (and as per my previous updates I've messaged to offer her a lift)

No I haven't told her. If she does miraculously get in touch then we can still go

This!

I think you need to decide if you want this person as a friend. If so, you need to adjust your expectations. She isn't someone you can rely on for one-on-one socialising. Invite her to things where it doesn't matter if she doesn't show up. Arrange to have a coffee after an appointment. Whatever makes it easy and doesn't end up with you out of pocket or having to change your plans. Some friends are good for a chat and a laugh when you see them, but you shouldn't depend on them for anything. Sounds like this is her.

Nasty? Seriously? It's not that she missed my birthday it's that she didn't let me know she would be missing it. We agreed on a time but we would never just assume the other would turn up. Also, she isn't working today and her ex has her child - by her own admission she has no plans as she was out last night. Where have I made any unpleasant comments or said that I was obsessive? Also, I'm absolutely not lonely - as I have said repeatedly I would be happy to stay home tonight as long as she let me know!!!!!

Absolutely stand by what I've said. You need to calm down and give the benefit of the doubt!

She is generally unreliable and has a history of messing up. I said that in my previous posts

To use a mn classic “you don’t seem to like her very much” with that last post!
you sound intense and controlling and rather demanding.