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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend how hurt I am...

137 replies

OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:19

Let me preface by saying I've got ASD and rejection sensitivity is a huge thing for me, as well as needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed.

So for context I've known my friend about 3-4 years, she has a beauty business and I started off just as a client. We tend to just catch up before/after appointments with a coffee or occasionally over the phone, but rarely go out together. However I was also the only friend who didn't flake on her 30th birthday night out (this is important). She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me).

It was my 40th celebration last week and her babysitter let her down on the day. She managed to arrange another sitter who could only come later and said she would meet us at the venue (luckily it was a big group). Not only did she not turn up but she didn't message to let me know. I got a message on the night so say her and her ex (replacement babysitter) had had a huge row and he left - she claimed to have written a text but forgotten to press send - I can only give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

So I saw her yesterday and to make up for last week she offered to take me for a meal at 6pm today - I booked a table. She was on a Christmas do last night but promised she wouldn't be out late, and we discussed outfits for tonight, etc.

I've text her and now tried to call and no response, so have cancelled the table. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind but I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have. She's also booked on a group holiday for my birthday too so not sure how that will pan out...

OP posts:
SunnySideDeepDown · 06/12/2025 17:08

I’ve got a SIL who’s a massive flake and I know what it’s like. I love her, and know it’s about her rather than me, but it’s definitely affected our relationship, I no longer make plans with her unless it’s something we have to pay for in advance.

Flaking on someone a few times a year is normal, shit happens. But when it because more often than not, it becomes a problem and it’s unkind. Especially when she missed your birthday and was supposed to be making it up to you.

I think you cancelled the table because your instinct knows she’s cancelling. YANBU - have you ever asked her why she cancels the plans so often? Perhaps she thinks you don’t care or notice it. She needs to stop making plans when deep down she has no intention of following through.

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 17:13

SunnySideDeepDown · 06/12/2025 17:08

I’ve got a SIL who’s a massive flake and I know what it’s like. I love her, and know it’s about her rather than me, but it’s definitely affected our relationship, I no longer make plans with her unless it’s something we have to pay for in advance.

Flaking on someone a few times a year is normal, shit happens. But when it because more often than not, it becomes a problem and it’s unkind. Especially when she missed your birthday and was supposed to be making it up to you.

I think you cancelled the table because your instinct knows she’s cancelling. YANBU - have you ever asked her why she cancels the plans so often? Perhaps she thinks you don’t care or notice it. She needs to stop making plans when deep down she has no intention of following through.

Thank you, normally I just let it slide because plans never seem totally concrete as in oh do you fancy doing x next week - but no plans actually made, unlike having booked a table this time. It's also made worse since like you say it was meant to be making up for last week's no-show. It's more the issue with lack of communication - I've ordered a takeaway and wine now and I'm happy to stay home but would have preferred to know that much earlier today (also had my hair done but that will last I guess).

I'm a lot of a people pleaser at the best of times so find it hard to bring up stuff like this...

OP posts:
pictoosh · 06/12/2025 17:14

Ach I dunno, maybe you were a bit quick off the mark to cancel the table but actually your instincts are correct and she's a no-show as you assumed.

Yeah I'd be put out by this.

Fantomfartflinger · 06/12/2025 17:14

She has not been in touch yet op?

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 17:25

Fantomfartflinger · 06/12/2025 17:14

She has not been in touch yet op?

Not a peep - I tried calling again and still no answer. I've also asked one of our mutual friends if they'd heard from her just in case something did happen last night!

OP posts:
BessMarvin · 06/12/2025 17:29

The friend sounds like they have a history of being unreliable. Not being able to respond all day when you're supposed to be meeting up is really unhelpful. I totally understand where you're coming from. I think you should avoid arranging anything where it's just you and her or you'll just be let down.

The person who said you were nasty is completely wrong. But I also think they are the same person who called someone in their 30s a "young person" which is bizarre.

Imtornanddontknowwhattodo · 06/12/2025 17:30

It is a shame she hasn't answered or messaged to let you know what's happening by now, just to confirm. Most businesses are open until 17.30 or 18.00 so maybe she's been hectic until now. I'd leave it another half an hour to an hour for a reply. If not, then you did the right thing cancelling. If you hear then you could still go.

MerryGuide · 06/12/2025 17:33

Are you the online meet up group lady?

Prisonbreak · 06/12/2025 17:36

Rejection sensitivity is the biggest load of nonsense

Pineapplewaves · 06/12/2025 17:36

You don’t sound like friends to me - she has a beauty business and you usually have a coffee or a chat before or after your appointments with her, that just sounds like she’s being nice to a client to make sure they return. It doesn’t sound like she really wants to go out with you and she’s just stringing you along to keep your custom. You’ve know each other for 3/4 years but rarely go out says it all.

I would find another beauty salon and stop contacting her.

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 17:41

Imtornanddontknowwhattodo · 06/12/2025 17:30

It is a shame she hasn't answered or messaged to let you know what's happening by now, just to confirm. Most businesses are open until 17.30 or 18.00 so maybe she's been hectic until now. I'd leave it another half an hour to an hour for a reply. If not, then you did the right thing cancelling. If you hear then you could still go.

She's not working today

@MerryGuide absolutely not - those things fill me with absolute dread

@Prisonbreak want to try living it? I cope massively well with the rest of my ASD but a lifetime of actual (not perceived) rejection will kind of leave a lasting impression

@Pineapplewaves did you miss the bit where she was coming to my 40th (which she had paid £90 for) and is coming away with my family and friends next year?

OP posts:
viques · 06/12/2025 17:52

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a very committed friendship on her part, as you say you tend to “meet up for a coffee” when you have an appointment at her business. You seem to think not letting her down on her birthday gives you some sort of superior friendship badge. She didn’t come to your birthday ( with good reason) but other people did, she did try to contact you, though you seem to think she is lying. Now you are stamping your foot, cancelling the restaurant and behaving like a little Princess because on a busy day of the week for someone in her business , she hasn’t had time to respond to your messages. I think either you accept that you are not in her closest circle, or you make more effort to meet up and become more of a friend.

ResusciAnnie · 06/12/2025 17:53

I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have.

? you said you had a big group out celebrating your birthday. Focus on them, ditch the flake! Raise the bar! Curate your social circle :)

Seelybe · 06/12/2025 17:53

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends your friend is flaky and you're hard work.
If you have ASD you will understand by now what your triggers are and should be working on how to manage your responses rather than complaining on MN.
I have major ND fatigue I'm afraid - every other poster seems to claim it for themselves or their children. Unless support needs are high just to function day to day it's lost all currency for me as an excuse now.

Owly11 · 06/12/2025 17:54

She is not your friend. Having a coffee with your beautician does not mean you are friends. She doesn't realise that you can't read between the lines and she is flaky with everyone so there's no reason why she wouldn't also be flaky with you. If someone lets you down once give them one more chance. If they do it again just don't arrange anything with them again. Trust her behaviour not her words.

BessMarvin · 06/12/2025 17:55

viques · 06/12/2025 17:52

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a very committed friendship on her part, as you say you tend to “meet up for a coffee” when you have an appointment at her business. You seem to think not letting her down on her birthday gives you some sort of superior friendship badge. She didn’t come to your birthday ( with good reason) but other people did, she did try to contact you, though you seem to think she is lying. Now you are stamping your foot, cancelling the restaurant and behaving like a little Princess because on a busy day of the week for someone in her business , she hasn’t had time to respond to your messages. I think either you accept that you are not in her closest circle, or you make more effort to meet up and become more of a friend.

Given she's not working it won't affect her will it.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 06/12/2025 17:55

Sorry to read she’s not responded yet. It seems she’s not a great friend and your spidey senses must have been right!

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 17:57

viques · 06/12/2025 17:52

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a very committed friendship on her part, as you say you tend to “meet up for a coffee” when you have an appointment at her business. You seem to think not letting her down on her birthday gives you some sort of superior friendship badge. She didn’t come to your birthday ( with good reason) but other people did, she did try to contact you, though you seem to think she is lying. Now you are stamping your foot, cancelling the restaurant and behaving like a little Princess because on a busy day of the week for someone in her business , she hasn’t had time to respond to your messages. I think either you accept that you are not in her closest circle, or you make more effort to meet up and become more of a friend.

HOW MANY TIMES - SHE'S NOT WORKING TODAY!!!!!

@Seelybe Far from using it as an excuse, I'm pointing out why I may feel the way I do. Other friends I have understand that and will keep me updated on plans as needed (how hard can it be - surely NT people do that too?). I function extremely well in life given my diagnoses and the challenges I've faced. (Oh and I agree that too many people DO use it as an excuse)

OP posts:
Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 17:58

I can't decide what's more bizarre tbh - the fact that I've been called scary, unhinged, needy, controlling, etc. for expecting a response to a query about whether she was still ok for tonight after being out last night and did she need a lift...

Or

The amount of people who think I should be sitting dolled up alone in a restaurant right now instead of checking we were still on for going...

OP posts:
Frugalgal · 06/12/2025 18:08

OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:19

Let me preface by saying I've got ASD and rejection sensitivity is a huge thing for me, as well as needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed.

So for context I've known my friend about 3-4 years, she has a beauty business and I started off just as a client. We tend to just catch up before/after appointments with a coffee or occasionally over the phone, but rarely go out together. However I was also the only friend who didn't flake on her 30th birthday night out (this is important). She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me).

It was my 40th celebration last week and her babysitter let her down on the day. She managed to arrange another sitter who could only come later and said she would meet us at the venue (luckily it was a big group). Not only did she not turn up but she didn't message to let me know. I got a message on the night so say her and her ex (replacement babysitter) had had a huge row and he left - she claimed to have written a text but forgotten to press send - I can only give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

So I saw her yesterday and to make up for last week she offered to take me for a meal at 6pm today - I booked a table. She was on a Christmas do last night but promised she wouldn't be out late, and we discussed outfits for tonight, etc.

I've text her and now tried to call and no response, so have cancelled the table. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind but I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have. She's also booked on a group holiday for my birthday too so not sure how that will pan out...

So, did you ever hear from her OP?

latetothefisting · 06/12/2025 18:20

OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 17:58

I can't decide what's more bizarre tbh - the fact that I've been called scary, unhinged, needy, controlling, etc. for expecting a response to a query about whether she was still ok for tonight after being out last night and did she need a lift...

Or

The amount of people who think I should be sitting dolled up alone in a restaurant right now instead of checking we were still on for going...

a large number of posters on MN go off on weird tangents or focus on tiny minutiae rather than the main picture - if you hadn't mentioned the whole cancelling the table aspect and just posted at 6pm, giving the background then 'AIBU to be annoyed she's clearly stood me up and hasn't even bothered to tell me,' then I can't imagine anyone with a brain would have voted anything other than YANBU.

I'd cut your losses with her. If you've got enough friends to have a birthday night out (and pay £90 per person to do so!) AND go on a group holiday, you're not so desperate for friendship to beg for this flake's attention. For all she knows you ARE sitting in the restaurant dolled up, which would be bad enough for a normal meet up but given it's supposed to be ) for your big birthday and b) an apology from her for missing the previous event, it's really shit.

You need to get some self respect and cut her off. She's telling you what your friendship means to her, which is fuck all, not even the ten seconds to compose a whatsapp saying 'So sorry, I can't make it tonight.'

Flinderskleepers · 06/12/2025 18:26

I'm with you OP, if you make plans with someone, it's normal to be communicative and confirm that you're still going rather than leaving others guessing. I don't think this is your ASD at all, I think you've done what any normal person would do and clearly you were right to do it as she hasn't bothered to contact you.

I know you have future plans with this person, but if I were you, I'd knock this friendship on the head. It's not worth the brain power having to maintain it.

HardworkSendHelp · 06/12/2025 18:34

I am shocked at some of these responses, of course you are not going to get dolled up and travel to a restaurant and sit and wait for a flakey friend who won’t respond to your calls. I would be fuming OP. Unless she is in hospital, dead or lost her phone this would take some explaining.

ComfortFoodCafe · 06/12/2025 18:56

I wouldn’t bother with her again.

Eddielizzard · 06/12/2025 18:57

She's a plonker and I personally wouldn't want her at my or holiday. Who does that? Leaves you hanging for your birthday celebration - which she missed in the first place!

I'd wait for her to contact me, listen to whatever bullshit excuse she's got and unless it was actually a good excuse, say that it really isn't good enough.