To tell friend how hurt I am...

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Let me preface by saying I've got ASD and rejection sensitivity is a huge thing for me, as well as needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed.

So for context I've known my friend about 3-4 years, she has a beauty business and I started off just as a client. We tend to just catch up before/after appointments with a coffee or occasionally over the phone, but rarely go out together. However I was also the only friend who didn't flake on her 30th birthday night out (this is important). She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me).

It was my 40th celebration last week and her babysitter let her down on the day. She managed to arrange another sitter who could only come later and said she would meet us at the venue (luckily it was a big group). Not only did she not turn up but she didn't message to let me know. I got a message on the night so say her and her ex (replacement babysitter) had had a huge row and he left - she claimed to have written a text but forgotten to press send - I can only give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

So I saw her yesterday and to make up for last week she offered to take me for a meal at 6pm today - I booked a table. She was on a Christmas do last night but promised she wouldn't be out late, and we discussed outfits for tonight, etc.

I've text her and now tried to call and no response, so have cancelled the table. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind but I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have. She's also booked on a group holiday for my birthday too so not sure how that will pan out...

Yes youre quite right. We have various circles of friends. I would say this person is not an intimate friend . I have friends and I have friends. Some are like sisters youd trust them with uour life , others are little more than acquaintances ..they may have been in your life for years but you just occasionally meet up for a coffee and no more. I think the OP is not feeling she's on a level footing with this Mum and since she says she quite happy to stay at home...was ready to give the person a piece of her mind...quite upset that the person hasn't confirmed , we'll she's one angry person and probably should own what she's done shes cancelled the restaurant, could cancel herfriend and stay at home!

OP, I think your ASD is preventing you from seeing you have been unreasonable to cancel the table. You sound like you expect everyone else to fall in line with how you need things to be done.

Can you not see that her not sending the text to let you know she wasn’t coming to your birthday could have been because a big argument with her ex would be upsetting? Did you check if she was ok? Her head may not have been in the right place to send a text.

She’s had a night out and has a day to herself today, As a busy mum, she has probably either caught up on stuff she needs to or is actually having some time to herself.

Other people act independently of the way you need them to to make you feel comfortable and that’s okay. They aren’t wrong.

I wouldn’t expect a friend to communicate with me the way you do. It’s really intense and invasive. Try to see that.

Yeah but you still get ready - she's said she'll be there! What did you arrange when you made the arrangement? You've offered to pick her up already, so it sounds like in her minds the plans are firm?

That was me quoting back the PP - I described her as flaky

How would I be able to check she was ok after the argument if she didn't let me know she wasn't coming because of the argument?

@Sprookjesbos I'm not going to sit in a restaurant alone without confirmation she is coming. We didn't make any plans other than what time the table was - my text offered to pick her up and bring her to mine so we could both get a lift from here - that hasn't been confirmed or not

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends
Yes, your friend does seem rather flaky from what you've described but I would move on and not give her too much thought. It seems like you have loads of other friends anyway?

Yanbu. It's really not hard to reply to your message and it definitely seems like she's flaking out on you again. I'd stop making any plans with her.

What time are you supposed to be at the restaurant for?

@Terrribletwos I wouldn't say I have loads but I have some and they don't do this around plans... I just wish she wouldn't commit to things if she's not 100% sure

@AhBiscuits thanks - it honestly wouldn't bother me if she needed to cancel, it's just courteous to let me know! I'm not going to get ready and hope she shows up (as others have suggested) but it's starting to get too late now for me to get ready and there on time anyway...

Yes I agree. Also I note this lady the OP is 40 the celebration that the friend didn't get to was for the 40th birthday presumably..it does seem that it wentt ahead with other people. The OP knows the friend mentioned , through her appointments as a client of her beauty business but arrangements had been just coffee meets rather than socialising. The friend/ business owner is a 30yr old with a child. Im not sure how much common ground there would be with a person 10years your junior with a different lifestyle and friends her own age. If I was this young person Id find this lady rather scary, a bit needy and controlling .

The table is booked for 550 - we've never made arrangements just to meet there though, our last interaction in person was me saying 'I'll message you tomorrow about getting there...'

She's 34. And yes it was for my 40th - you do realise that 'this lady' can read?

OP, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I also don't have a very large social circle of friends (in fact, it's extremely small) And adult friendships are hard!

You've described your friend as being flaky and forgetful, you think that she means well, but she's done this multiple times before. She missed your big birthday, and now you've been trying to get in contact with her about having a meal and she is not answering your messages so, instead of getting ready and going to the restaurant and showing up and waiting for her and possibly either having to wait alone and then finally make that embarrassing decision to leave, or, equally difficult to order and eat alone when you're having a table for two, yeah, I totally hear you. I would hate to be put in that situation.

And yeah, stuff happens. She's her own business owner, this is a busy time of year as a hairdresser because people have parties to go to, and they often need their hair done just immediately before the party, so she might be extremely busy, she has an ex, she has other issues, okay. Adult life is messy and busy and complicated. But, you don't deserve to feel second best or third or fourth. It's not very respectful to your time or your feelings to make plans which then are not followed up on.

I wish I could join you for dinner, I would show up on time. I actually decided to let a friendship of 20+ years go because I felt like I was putting in all the effort, I was making all the plans, I was doing all the kind gestures, I was doing all the favors, I was available when they needed emergency help, I was the shoulder to cry on, and I didn't mind because to me that's all part of being a good friend, but they flaked on me too many times. Where I was left waiting and waiting, or they never got back at all, or plans were changed at the last second, lots of examples, not going to give them here, but I know what you're saying....

Try not communicating with your friend, don't reach out. And see if she reaches out to you. Be mindful that if her message is full of excuses, instead of heartfelt honest regret and apology, if she's being defensive and trying to validate her mistakes instead of immediately acknowledging the hurt she caused you, that's not a good place to start.

Have you got children OP? I think it’s really impossible to understand (and fairly so) what this time of year is like if you don’t, it’s highly possible the friend literally hasn’t had second to reply to a text yet and was intending to be there.w

However I would say that there has been time like this for me where I’ve messaged a friend to literally “seen your message. Will be there, will text asap” so they know I’m not flaking.

It’s now half 4 - have you told friend you’ve cancelled the table? If not and they’re still not in touch and she knew she was expecting 6pm meet then yes she’s flaking and rude.

Perhaps she had a much later night than planned and hasn't yet felt like looking at her phone / is regretting arranging to go out again tonight?

You wouldn't be unreasonable to tell your friend that you like a degree of certainty and that you find her flakiness disrespectful or unsettling. You won't change her, but you might feel better for getting it off your chest. Perhaps she finds you a bit rigid? You do seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum to each other, either learn to accept your differences and stay friends or decide if it's a deal breaker.

You come across as exceptionally rigid in your communication requirements OP and, despite having posted on a forum that is explicitly for asking the opinions of others on whether you’re being unreasonable or not, completely unwilling to hear opinions that suggest you are! What on earth was the point in posting if you’re so convinced you’re in the right?!

Maybe she’s really hungover and sleeping?! I hope she gets back to you OP so you know what’s happening.

The OP is autistic and I expect she finds this difficult to navigate hence posting on here. I imagine she needs the reassurance that the friend will turn.

Wow, if she was THAT hungover (still asleep at 4:45 after being out last night) she might be dead!! 😵

@StruggleFlourish thank you! You and I sound very alike.

@LostittoBostik No she still doesn't know I cancelled, and still hasn't been in touch. I don't have kids (she has one who is with her dad all weekend) and she's not working today - I do get people are busy but I asked her plans for today and she said nothing...I would have thought if she was rushing around she would have said!

@AltitudeCheck @rainbowsandraspberrygin I totally get she might have overdone it last night (we both struggle to be sensible when out!) but by 430pm the next day surely she would have at least sent a quick message to say sorry can't make it... as I keep saying I don't mind her cancelling, it's not letting me know that's the issue!

Well hopefully not!!

I can’t believe she still hasn’t been in touch! Either she will be just before dinner or she’ll just ignore until tomorrow and apologise. I know someone like this. I’m the one that makes plans which she cancels, I send messages first and she’s never the one to initiate contact. I’ve realised where I stand and have taken a massive step back.

You ask her when she tells you about the argument. She told you why she didn’t text you and that was your chance to ask her if everything was okay. Did you do that?

I feel for you OP. Why do people think it's OK to behave like this, not bothering to get in touch when they said they would, declining to firm up arrangements until , or even after, the last minute? Infuriating.
But this is what your friend is like, and the only way to be happy as her friend is to take any arrangements with a pinch of salt. If she gets in touch or turns up this evening then fine, you can decide what to do, and if necessary she can wait for you to get ready. If not, you have an evening in. She does it to everyone so there's no need to take it personally.
Happy birthday!

Yes I did, I asked what happened and if she was ok - she didn't reply. That was the last I heard until I saw her yesterday