To tell friend how hurt I am...

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Let me preface by saying I've got ASD and rejection sensitivity is a huge thing for me, as well as needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed.

So for context I've known my friend about 3-4 years, she has a beauty business and I started off just as a client. We tend to just catch up before/after appointments with a coffee or occasionally over the phone, but rarely go out together. However I was also the only friend who didn't flake on her 30th birthday night out (this is important). She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me).

It was my 40th celebration last week and her babysitter let her down on the day. She managed to arrange another sitter who could only come later and said she would meet us at the venue (luckily it was a big group). Not only did she not turn up but she didn't message to let me know. I got a message on the night so say her and her ex (replacement babysitter) had had a huge row and he left - she claimed to have written a text but forgotten to press send - I can only give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

So I saw her yesterday and to make up for last week she offered to take me for a meal at 6pm today - I booked a table. She was on a Christmas do last night but promised she wouldn't be out late, and we discussed outfits for tonight, etc.

I've text her and now tried to call and no response, so have cancelled the table. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind but I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have. She's also booked on a group holiday for my birthday too so not sure how that will pan out...

No two ways about it, the 'friend' is a twat.

And a flake.

Just get it over and done with and remove her from the holiday. I wouldn't enjoy worrying about it over next few months. Shes a flake and you don't like her that much anyway. Sorry. 😟

Pathetic excuse. She is not a friend.

You sound caring and considerate, I'd dump her. Find someone else for those treatments.

She won't be paying any more for this group holiday so make the best arrangements now.

Ignore the posters calling you unhinged, what the hell?!

Shes been rude, flakey and clearly doesn't value your friendship.

She manages to run a business yet can't send one short message to you? Hmm.

I can't stand people that make plans then ghost you.

Yeah OP you deserve better than that. A real friend wouldnt act like this. No point trying to force this woman to keep in touch all the time. It's a game you can't win. I'd move on if I were you.

Such flakiness would upset me too. It shows a level of self-involvement and lack of consideration that I would find problematic in a friend. If it is a constant theme in your friendship, I would let her take the lead on making plans, and see if she sticks to it.

Sorry I wouldn’t be relying on this person to pay their share of a holiday - don’t be paying her share in anticipation of getting paid back.
I would also find a new salon and let this friendship slide. She sounds rude.

Yeah, crap excuse, particularly as the arrangement was to make up for not showing up to the previous one.
She may like you well enough but she doesn't seem to respect you much. That might not be personal, she might be like that with everyone...but it's not a great way to treat anyone.
She could have let you know on the day but she cba and left you dangling. In a bad way, my arse. Unless she lost control of her fingers, it's utter rubbish.

I'd rather a text saying "I overdid it last night and I'm hugging the toilet, so sorry", than be avoided and ignored like I don't even factor at all.

@pictoosh if she'd done that I wouldn't have minded (we've all been there!) I wasn't overly fussed on going out anyway!

@WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing the money comes off my card regardless of whether I receive it from her or not...

I've had another text saying she's so sorry and doesn't want to fall out with me - I don't really know what to say

Yeah, agreed. We've all been there. It isn't what she did but the way she went about it. X

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriendsAre you paying the holiday for everyone and expecting them to all pay you back? I do this - but with a group of lifelong friends I trust implicitly, I would not do this otherwise. Please make sure you aren’t being taken advantage of, ask people for the balance of what you are owed and tell them payments to you need to be made in a advance of any debit on your card or it’s cancellation? X

Yes this is what I'm doing - but other than this particular friend it's either members of my family or friends that I do trust implicitly to pay me so I'm not worried for anyone else...

Don't say anything for now. The good thing about communication by text is that it allows you time to compose a response.

I’m glad to hear that. Concentrate on spending time with those you love and trust and who do the same for you x

You've had some bizarre harsh responses on this thread and lots of annoying ones from people who haven't read your responses. Also some really horrible messages effectively blaming you for over reacting due to neuro diversity.

In my opinion:

• most people would be really upset with someone continually not turning up on the day of meeting and not messaging until the day after. It's really rude
• given her past form (even without the benefit of hindsight) you did the right thing cancelling the table. I wouldn't go and sit in a restaurant when all the signs were that I was most likely going to be ditched there. And I'd have wanted to give them a few hours notice so they had more chance of re-booking the table
• yes she will be busy working as a single mum. But in this case you knew she wasn't working and didn't have her child and in any case, no one (outside cases of genuine emergencies) is too busy to message to say they aren't attending something they've agreed to. If she is genuinely so busy that she regularly can't text, she should probably not commit to specific arrangements
• posters telling you that you're nasty for not being worried that someone awful has happened to her / checking in on her are batshit. If she always turned up and a communication black out was completely out of character then I'd agree. But she has a history of flaking! She is just a flake not someone who has had some kind of emergency

Saying all that I do think you need to reframe this. She won't change. She will continue to flake. It's up to you what you do - you can either drop her because it's not nice being stood up (which is fine, a lot of people drop friends like this). Or put up with it as you know what she is like, take her friendship for what it is and arrange to see her for things that you would do anyway and don't put you out if she doesn't turn up (eg I'm going here (anyway), do you want to join me)

Good post @DrinkFeckArseBrick

I have a friend who does this. I really genuinely love her - but I don’t need hourly updates in the run up to to seeing her. It makes me not want to see her.
if I say I’ll be there I’m there - I don’t need harassing / stalking in the run up.

Did you actually read any of my posts?

Can you replace her in the holiday? She's not a close friend and doesn't deserve to be there.

I don't think so - one of my other friends would love to come but is currently TTC so can't commit to anything. Another friend I'd love to be there is a teacher so can't get time off.

Yeah - I read maybe the first 10 - they were not taking on board what people were saying re the unnecessary drama. I genuinely love my friend - but when the pestering starts - days in advance - about what time / where / what we are wearing etc I just think ‘ffs you’ve drained the joy I had to see you by this ‘locking in’ (we all know that’s what it is)

She’s sent you another text saying she’s so sorry because she knows she’s let you down hugely yet again!
Once for your birthday was annoying but a second time to make up for missing your birthday bash? Absolutely not!
I’d be tempted to tell her to fuck off but it’s probably wiser to just ignore her and move on. Oh and don’t give her any more of your business. Go somewhere else! I wonder if she’s as flaky with clients as she is with her ‘friends’?

It was only arranged the day before, and I sent one text in the morning asking if she wanted a lift and followed it up with a phone call mid afternoon when I hadn't heard from her. As for your 'If I say I'll be there, I'll be there' - the point is neither of us had said we were meeting there. JFC maybe read next time

Oh and if you only read ten posts, I'm guessing you missed the bit where SHE DIDN'T TURN UP

@patooties
I can't see that that is what has happened here...unless you're the OP's friend and know more about this than we do.

It's normal to discuss plans beforehand and confirm on the day. That's what the OP did. What are you reading that I am not?

not the case here though is it? The friend blanked her till today!

OP is getting a bit of a hard time here.

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends you’re not being unreasonable: your friend was being a shit friend