To tell friend how hurt I am...

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Let me preface by saying I've got ASD and rejection sensitivity is a huge thing for me, as well as needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed.

So for context I've known my friend about 3-4 years, she has a beauty business and I started off just as a client. We tend to just catch up before/after appointments with a coffee or occasionally over the phone, but rarely go out together. However I was also the only friend who didn't flake on her 30th birthday night out (this is important). She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me).

It was my 40th celebration last week and her babysitter let her down on the day. She managed to arrange another sitter who could only come later and said she would meet us at the venue (luckily it was a big group). Not only did she not turn up but she didn't message to let me know. I got a message on the night so say her and her ex (replacement babysitter) had had a huge row and he left - she claimed to have written a text but forgotten to press send - I can only give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

So I saw her yesterday and to make up for last week she offered to take me for a meal at 6pm today - I booked a table. She was on a Christmas do last night but promised she wouldn't be out late, and we discussed outfits for tonight, etc.

I've text her and now tried to call and no response, so have cancelled the table. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind but I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have. She's also booked on a group holiday for my birthday too so not sure how that will pan out...

@Frugalgal Not a peep - and I've sent a message saying how disappointed I am (nothing heavy or accusatory)

So I ended up sending her a very polite, measured message to let her know I'd cancelled the table and that I was really disappointed not to hear from her. That's all for now, but no response.

I've contacted a couple of mutual friends in case something is badly wrong, but no reply as yet.

I'm actually due a new set of lashes (outing) at my next appointment so right now am tempted to cancel and find someone else. That does leave the issue with the group holiday though....

OP, stop chasing her.
Its not good for you.
Real friends reciprocate effort and energy.
They are not flaky.
Get your lashes done elsewhere.
Take the holiday decision out of her hands.
Move on.

I think I will get charged for the holiday though which is an issue...

I honestly can't understand the reactions to your post. I hate flaky people because they make me feel shit and lose my time. As for you- she has shit on your Saturday. I would just fade away from this "friendship" tbh. Not worth the hassle.

I think there's a middle ground though OP which is what I was thinking when I responded to you. At 3pm I would not have cancelled the table the way you have. By 5.30 I probably would have because noone wants to be stood up obviously.

I think it's really shit she's essentially ghosted you again. I'd not get in touch now until she contacts you and I think she'd need to have had a really serious crisis for me to continue a friendship after this. I'd give it a few days and then I'd be getting lashes done elsewhere and just letting it slide.

In terms of the group holiday, has she paid for her spot? Could anyone join and buy her out or could everyone cover her cost slightly to buy her out without one person taking a big hit? I'd leave this until closer to the time to decide on though when you have a fuller picture of what may or may not have happened tonight.

What sbe said was perfectly frue. Most people have to save their own deposit

I would be silently done with her. I wouldn’t bother to speak to her again because she knows what’s she’s done wrong.

You’re being far too needy. This friend is probably a nice lady but she’s not feeling your friendship the way you do. Just let it slide and mentally relegate her to the position of casual friend rather then best friend or very good friend.

Very rude of her. Considering this was meant to be an apology dinner for the last time she flaked, I think it's pretty clear she doesn't respect your time or friendship. If there's something going on in her life it takes 2 mins to send a text. If she gets in touch and doesn't have a good excuse, just remember the old phrase "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".

She will probably flake from the holiday now anyway so I doubt you need to worry.

In terms of the holiday it's a monthly payment that I'm paying (regardless if she pays me) - the two others who might add on are trying to get pregnant so wouldn't know if they can come until nearer the time.

@Carycach4 I'm not sure what you mean?

@THisbackwithavengeance do casual friends agree to come on a holiday with close friends and family?

Don’t give her back the £90.00 she paid for your birthday, if she can no longer go or says she has to drop out (which sounds likely) then it’s tough, unless you can give her her money back with no penalty to you.

If you booked the holiday see if you can remove her from the booking, the earlier you do it the less it will cost you. The Lead passenger will need to do it.

The £90 was for last week, she knows she isn't getting it back
If i remove her from the holiday it will cost everyone else more..

When I read your op, I just knew she was going to flake on you. Regardless of what people say on here, in real life if you've an outing planned both parties confirm well before the time to check its still on. Her silence tells you everything you need to know. She's no " friend". As for last week's excuse of not pressing ' send' on a text, utter garbage. We're programmed to think the best of people and to expect them to treat us as we do them, because the reality is often harder to swallow, but don't fall for it moving forward. If something feels ' off' trust your gut - it's there for a reason.

If she's got a history of being flakey, then she's already let you know that she's not that interested in being your friend. It sounds like you've got lots of lovely other friends, including a group who are all excited to go on a big holiday with you, so I'm not sure why you're putting as much thought into this as it seems. Why not just let go and relegated this one to the 'nice to see for coffee when I have time' pile?

Has she been paying you her share of the holiday money? If yes, don't take her off it, let her keep paying. If she turns up or flakes out that's on her.

I would go dark for now and wait to see what if anything she comes back with.

Frig the cancelling just don’t show up. What goes around comes around! See how she likes it

Sorry for misreading about her not working today and this lady didn't reply. Your instincts were correct and many responses on here were harsh. It isn't unreasonable to confirm or ask if tonight's still on earlier in the day, especially given her history. You being ND is irrelevant to that. And this was meant to be an apology dinner. She clearly can't be bothered and tonight proved it.

I wouldn't reply to any of her messages and would find another salon.

Regarding the group event, I'd try and find somebody else as she can't be relied on. If she says anything, just reply I can't rely on you and you don't reply so I made other arrangements.

I hate flaky people.

So you sound like casual mates. Her flaking on your bday sounds like arrangements going wrong plus she has form for this it’s not personal.

you deciding several hours in advance that a night out must be cancelled because she didn’t get back to you is over the top. Some people are just more laid back than others. I’m autistic and I like to know and plan/prepare for things too but not everyone is like that. Again it’s not personal.

However leaving you hanging like that it crap and for that I would step back a bit from the friendship. I wouldn’t necessarily end it but I would put some barriers up.

"me.....needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed"

"She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me)"

You're not at all suited to each other. I'm surprised you made it this far as friends.

I think people were being particularly harsh in their responses to you with the accusations that you have been too needy etc. it may well be that because she'd flaked in the past you were more alert to it potentially happening again this time. I have friends that I wouldn't need firm up arrangements until the very last minute because I I can rely on them I have a friend who's a bit flaky I think she thinks it's quirky personality trait whereas I just find it really annoying.

I think some people just like to argue with the OP or don't read the original post fully before giving their opinion . I wouldn't be surprised if her baby sitting story was bollocks . if you're the one that puts the effort into the friendship and she's not really giving much in return it's not much of a friendship to maintain.

Hahaha. I’m with you OP. I would be disappointed with her behaviour as well.

@Frugalgal it's only the deposit that's been needed so far and I didn't pay for a lash appointment instead of her giving me that (same price). The next instalment is due tomorrow and she asked me when I saw her how much so she could set up a monthly direct debit but who knows....

@HardworkSendHelp unfortunately she uses an online booking system where I'd get charged if I was a no-show!

So she finally got in touch at 730 this morning to say she was 'in a bad way' Friday night (not just drink I'd imagine) got in at 3am and was 'really rough and asleep' yesterday - sorry but even with the worst hangover of my life I've managed to send a quick text. I'm going to cancel my next appointment and go somewhere else, it doesn't deal with the holiday situation though - I guess it depends if she pays her next instalment but I will look at the cost of removing her since we've only paid the deposit so far.