Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

Yeah, I agree. Good points.

But this isn’t the OP’s daughter. It’s her stepdaughter and she has said no.

Also, I don’t believe that children should ever give up their bedrooms for guests.

This old woman only lives an hour away.

If she stays in the step daughter’s room the step daughter is going to come back to a bedroom that absolutely reeks of nonenal.

Nonenal is a chemical compound that is a natural byproduct of aging, caused by the breakdown of fatty acids on the skin. It has a distinct musty, grassy, or greasy odor and is not related to hygiene.

In Japanese, the term is kareishu. In English it is commonly referred to as “old people smell”.

Are you for real??

Is this a serious comment 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I wouldn’t give up my room as an adult so I wouldn’t make my children. Leading by example.

The step daughter has said no, her father agrees with her.

Does your dh even wan this mil staying over? You say she’s under an hour away so why would she need to stay for days.

You don't know how old she is there's some young grannies. They're not all elderly.

SD really needs to make a decision now / the adults need to help her make a decision about where she is spending Christmas. It's December already, this shouldn't be left until the last minute.

If her room is going to be empty, your mum should be able to use it... or you all switch round as others have suggested, but it shouldn't be left empty while others all have to squash in.

If SD will be staying with you, the two older girls need to share and your mum gets the vacant room. Flip a coin to make it fair.

I am sure it is very tough in some ways having to move between two homes, but I'm afraid it simply isn't reasonable to expect everyone else to squish up while her room is left empty. I don't think this should be presented as a choice to her.

I had to share my double bed with my grandmother! Do I win?

But the gist is the room may not be empty. There is a huge backstory, with op stating of competitiveness between the two 14yos, and of recent history where op refused to let the toddler dd spend time with step dd and her side of the family as it didn’t include her dd. If the relationship has continued to deteriorate then maybe the dsd isn’t feeling the most welcome anyway, so win win for op? No dsd wanting to see her half siblings and her mum over for whole festive period?

It seems based on your repeated posts about this child you have a problem with her. She doesn’t feel comfortable with you putting people in her bedroom - that’s not unreasonable. I think you need to work on the relationship here - she is a child, she was here first and this hostility is not healthy.

Do your daughters live in two different homes? If not, you could consider that there are dynamics at play here that you are not very familiar with.

My daughter has been very unsettled by the divorce; it is very hard for her to see her dad get involved with a new partner who she has to share him with and to have to Iive part-time in a house that doesn’t really feel like “home” any more.

It’s sad that you can’t understand that a child/tween might need to feel they have something solid and within their control in all this.

I mean the post does seem out there but you have to admit old peoples houses do have a certain smell.

But maybe ops 70 old mum breaks science.

We don't have a spare room so on the rare occasion relatives on DH's side have come over to visit from Australia, my son sleeps in the living room and he's never complained when I explained the situation. I wouldn't dream of letting visitors sleep on the sofa, on an inflatable bed in the garage or in the garden shed or wherever, its just not the done thing. Let alone for a 70 year old, your own mother!

It'll only be for a couple of nights anyway, SD will have to understand

Please leave the 14 year old girl alone. It is her room and should she want to see her dad over Christmas she needs a space too. She is part of your family.

It is not unreasonable to move the baby. They will recover the sleep.

Op says her mums 70

For everyone saying they wouldn't give their room up, really?? I would absolutely give my room up for my parents to stay. Surely it's much easier for the step daughter to move in to one of the other bedrooms for a couple of nights than two adults though. Yanbu at all

I’m not being obtuse. I came from a so called ‘broken home’ life situation myself. My every whim wasn’t pandered to because of it. I would’ve allowed an elderly lady to use my bedroom when I wasn’t there, despite not being related to her, even if I didn’t like the idea. From other posts it is clear that the dad has placed his eldest on a pedestal and pandered to her resentment, letting it grow.

Honestly, I’m sure her bedroom is her safe space but it is not going to emotionally harm her to allow someone else to stay in it for 3 days. Some resilience is needed here.

This.

Just because she is a child of a ‘broken home’ it doesn’t mean she’s soooo damaged and deprived that she gets to call the shots like this. Her father is being ridiculous. Where is the logic?

Nope never. My bed is my bed in my room. It’s not a sofa for communal use it’s mine.

The king himself could come for a sleep over and it still wouldn’t be in my bed.

So everyone else in the family can vacate their space for visitors but not Miss Snowflake? Why on earth not?

Ah so two girls same age different fathers. That's a bit different I guess

I quite agree. And 14 year olds do not run the household

A starting point would be “everyone else in the family is actually related to the proposed guest but to “Miss Snowflake” she is mostly a stranger.”

Give your mother your room. Then you either share with her or both you and DH are on the lounge.

Or maybe they can stay in one of the vacant rooms in their own home.