Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

So? The woman is a guest of the home. Whether or not she is related by blood to the teenager is irrelevant. The girl can muster it up for a few days.

I’m with you OP

I had to go back and look up your previous thread, after seeing others reference it.

It really wasn't clear to me at all that you have a problem with your SD as some people are suggesting... I thought you sounded very reasonable, actually.

You'll always be slated on here just by virtue of being a stepmother, of course.

If she’s not there, what’s the problem? Why isn’t anyone allowed to stay in her room? She sounds very selfish. She’s also manipulating your DH.

Out of interest - did you and your DD move into your DH's house? Does he mostly pay for it? I ask because I think it might have some bearing on the dynamic.

I think in general, if she is there, she shouldn't be asked to give up her room for someone on your side of the family.

If the dynamics were all happy, it shouldn't be an issue to use her room when she isn't there - but there are clearly a lot of issues here, based on your previous thread, all is not well. So in this case, it would make matters worse

If DH disagrees then tell him to sleep on the sofa so your Mum can sleep with you.

I’m all for ensuring the DSC are made to feel welcome and an equal part of the family as my own older children are the DSC at their father’s house. However it’s a bit much to expect a room to be reserved for the the exclusive use of the DSC at a house they only stay at for a few nights a month. Obviously different if the parents are millionaires who live in a mansion. I’m sure the OP would be using her own DC room if they weren’t there for whatever reason. I had divorced parents and would not have minded.

The teenager is getting a lot of hate here when the fact is her own father agrees with her, not just in a “it’s her room so it’s her say” way but from the point of view that he wouldn’t want someone sleeping in his bed either.

Is this view unacceptable when an adult holds it, or are only children and teenagers not allowed to have a view on whether they want other people sleeping in their bed?

I'd happily give up my room for my parents.

I wouldn't give it up for my step-mum's mother who only lived an hour away, especially when my step-mums' own children weren't expected to give up their rooms.

His opinion is clearly considered irrelevant by some here,.even though he presumably is aware of the dynamics here and understands how his daughter feels.

Because everyone else in the family is related to the visitor...

Are OP's own children selfish too then? Because this is their grandmother, not the step-daughters'. Why aren't they giving up their rooms for granny?

It's very, very relevant. She is the only non-blood-relation and the only one being kicked out of her room.

I don’t get this at all, it’s either her room or it’s not.

No way would I ask my kids if some unrelated adult could stay in their room while they’re at their dad’s place. If I wanted someone to stay that badly they can have my bed and I’ll sleep in my child’s bed.

I think the OP sees her daughter as a second tier family member whose room is kind of a “guest” bedroom.

My stepdaughter is 14, my daughter is 13,

The younger two are not in a position to offer their room to their grandmother as they are nearly 4 and 11 months. They do not have beds that would be suitable for my mother anyway.

My elder daughter I think will go in with younger ones on a makeshift bed while my mother has her single bed but there is no en-suite. she does not have any additional needs. I have no idea where people got that from.

Meanwhile there is a double bed and en-suite with potentially no one in it. Utterly ridiculous.

Stepdaughter’s mother’s family are not Christian culturally and are atheist/agnostic. Christmas is not resonant to them as it is to me. Stepdaughter however does have a belief.

Stepdaughter does not know what she is doing as they are waiting to see if one of her grandparents is well enough to travel to a house they have in Europe.

Was she living in the house before you @Balletbabe?

I had to go back and look up your previous thread, after seeing others reference it.

It really wasn't clear to me at all that you have a problem with your SD as some people are suggesting... I thought you sounded very reasonable, actually.

You'll always be slated on here just by virtue of being a stepmother, of course.

Meanwhile there is a double bed and en-suite with potentially no one in it. Utterly ridiculous.

No, it's not ridiculous. It's your 14 year old step-daughters' room and she shouldn't have to give it up for your mother who only lives down the road.

It is, however, her father’s mother-in-law. And this is his decision, not hers. As in, she’s a child who he is pandering to.

Families muck in together.

Yes, it really is ridiculous. And illogical. She isn’t giving it up if she isn’t there. It will make no difference to her whatsoever. Pathetic attempts to try and vilify the op just for being a stepparent.

It would be lovely to have a house big enough for a guest room but not possible for everyone. Part of the fun for me and Xmas when my aunt and cousins were staying was all us kids cramming in together. I know SD won’t be there for that element but I never questioned my room being used for a guest. My children never mind their rooms being used - they understand that the alternative for a lot of my family would be costly hotels etc. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to use an empty bedroom for a guest at all!

I didn't say it would emotionally harm her. That doesn't mean her feelings and wishes should just be ignored, though.

OP's own children should give up their space for granny.

Put a floor bed on the floor of your step daughters room for your elder daughter. Let your mother have your daughters room.

If your SD is there, they can have a sleepover. If she isn't there SUGGEST to your daughter she asks her SS if she can sleep in her bed.

Your mum doesn't need to go in SD's room. Her SS can.

Why does your SD have a nicer room than your eldest DD, btw? She seems to be getting a fair amount her own way.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids.

Christmas will very probably cause sleep regression anyway!

As do the clocks when they go forward/back and going on holiday too.

They manage to get over it.