Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

It was a bad choice because she wanted an ‘all in’ type of blended family. She knew that was never on offer.

The issue is with her, and she’s very much wrong in trying to force her stepdaughter, husband, and in laws to change to suit her. They aren’t going to.

She’s not an entitled brat. Even OP recognizes that. She does enjoy a higher standard of living because of her family’s wealth, but so what? That is something they’re able and willing to provide to her, and not something she should have to sacrifice because of OP.

If your stepdaughter isn't there then of course your mother should be able to use her room. Mumsnet seems a bit bonkers on the sanctity of children having their own room, their sacred space. I shared with 3 siblings and I survived! It's ok to make decisions that our children aren't always on board with. Kids are so entitled now. I'm a primary school teacher and behaviour is getting worse every year.

Don’t you feel embarrassed to use such horrible language about a child who the only info you’re getting from is a step parent who clearly resents her?

I want my children to have a base level of entitlement commensurate with healthy self esteem. I’d absolutely expect all of them to be able to speak up if a space they have been told is for their sole use is then dedicated for a guest

The issue is with the husband not treating people equally and she's not wrong in expecting a level of commitment from someone she's partnered with. Where she's gone wrong is tolerating this at all.

Husband isn't suggesting anyone should give up their room, though. He's happy to drive / arrange ubers.

The issue is joining a family, knowing full well the dynamic, and thinking you can demand they change to suit you. That’s entitled behavior.

I don't think you can say that based on the evidence you have. But ok. You do you.

I’m going by OP’s own accounts. The type of blended family she wants was never on offer.

She went to the proverbial restaurant, placed her order, and is now upset because it was delivered.

This 100%

Thank fuck for that 🤣

Yeah but it’s a room not a shrine. When she’s not there it should be available if needed.

It is really hard. My DSD only stays twice a week and every other weekend but her room is her room regardless of whether she is in it or not. I wouldn’t let anyone stay in it or use it when she isn’t there. As such this weekend we are moving DS out of his room and putting people in his room. He will sleep with DH and I. Even though he is 3 and this is his permanent room. This is because he is more firmly rooted and knows it is his room. It is much harder when someone isn’t there one hundred percent for the time for them to feel firmly rooted and content. So I do agree with your DH. However inconvenient it doesn’t seem right.

When any other family had subsequent children they just share the resources out between the children they have, I don’t say to our eldest, well you were here first so we’ll satisfy your every need and want before you see to the next child, our youngest would be living in rags 😂
You talk as if the OP and her children are just a charity case the DP is sponsoring, like he’s not also
their father and they don’t deserve the same as what the SD has?

Her parents are split up. Presumably this gives her some sense of belonging at her Dad’s house. The girl has probably had it pretty tough. Why not just move the little ones when grandma stays?

You’re a logical adult. Not a stepchild in an house where stepmum doesn’t seem particularly welcoming.

I'm with you dh. It's not a spare room it is your stepdaughters bedroom. You've said you don't know yet if she will be staying so how can you be planning to give up her room??
Give your mum your room and sleep on the sofa.

That's actually ludicrous (and sad) that you think this is OK. Adults needs don't come before children's.

This. As granny, I’d be fine with the sofa.

What's wrong with your bedroom?

She doesn’t seem to resent her, she’s otherwise been quite complimentary about her but this girl seems to be being given the impression she’s above the rest of her family, my comment is more in pity with this girl tbh

I think that’s all faux as things didn’t go well previously when she written about her!

Why the assumption that the SD has ‘had it pretty rough’ my kids were fine when separated from ex, they didn’t need special treatment, just the standard love most father’s give their children would of been enough

He does share his resources, his youngest children do and will benefit from his wealth the same way his eldest has. His eldest daughter’s mother is also wealthy however, so by virtue of that she will still have ‘more’.

The relationships has with each of his children will always be distinct. Two of them get to live with him full time, one does not. One goes to boarding school, the other two likely won’t. One has a wealthy maternal family, two do not. His family are aunts, uncles and grandparents to three of his children, they are not the paternal family of OP’s eldest.