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Original poster

Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

735 replies

Balletbabe · 06/12/2025 15:18

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

OP posts:
Ringarose · 07/12/2025 15:24

ThisLittlePony · 07/12/2025 15:11

I think that’s all faux as things didn’t go well previously when she written about her!

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What precisely did she say previously?

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 15:28

InterIgnis · 07/12/2025 15:23

He does share his resources, his youngest children do and will benefit from his wealth the same way his eldest has. His eldest daughter’s mother is also wealthy however, so by virtue of that she will still have ‘more’.

The relationships has with each of his children will always be distinct. Two of them get to live with him full time, one does not. One goes to boarding school, the other two likely won’t. One has a wealthy maternal family, two do not. His family are aunts, uncles and grandparents to three of his children, they are not the paternal family of OP’s eldest.

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He’s no doubt paying maintenance or some contribution towards her boarding school fees in lieu of her not being there at least 50% of the time, so in effect he’s paying double if this room can’t be used when she’s not there?

Maray1967 · 07/12/2025 15:33

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 15:23

Why the assumption that the SD has ‘had it pretty rough’ my kids were fine when separated from ex, they didn’t need special treatment, just the standard love most father’s give their children would of been enough

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PPs have referred to other threads and it sounds like there is some tension.

I made my DSs bunk up and make way for their DGPs so I’m certainly not opposed to teens giving up their room, but this situation sounds tricky.

BettysRoasties · 07/12/2025 15:33

I didn’t realise it was that poster

Yeah you cannot demand your stepdaughters bedroom in her father’s house. You’re not married and name isn’t on the house you’ve got no rights there.

You are two or three separate families really living in that house. Him and her. You and your children. Him and your shared children.

This is not a blended family more like a hmo family. You’ll never win this with him and honestly I respect him for making sure his child is comfortable over you wanting your mother to stay when she’s under an hour away.

Ddakji · 07/12/2025 15:35

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 15:24

What precisely did she say previously?

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You can do an advanced search on her user name. Step daughter not interested in any attempt to welcome her to OP’s family, and OP’s oldest DD is being excluded.

Diosmonet · 07/12/2025 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

InterIgnis · 07/12/2025 16:10

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 15:28

He’s no doubt paying maintenance or some contribution towards her boarding school fees in lieu of her not being there at least 50% of the time, so in effect he’s paying double if this room can’t be used when she’s not there?

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I believe it’s her mother that is paying for the boarding school.

but sure, he’s providing for his children according to what he judges to be their respective needs. If he is contributing to her schooling, then he was and is willing to pay double for a room that no one else can use. He specifically renovated in order to provide a space exclusively for his daughter (and OP was against him doing this at the time). It isn’t a guest room, and he’s plainly told OP that it won’t be used as one.

InterIgnis · 07/12/2025 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bolshy? Not since 1991. I‘m a capitalist through and through.

Oh, I find the dynamics of families deeply interesting, for sure. Guilty as charged on that one.

No personal experience barring my brother having a stepchild for a while, but plenty of professional experience.

Feel free to not engage with me if it doesn’t suit you.

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:16

InterIgnis · 07/12/2025 16:10

I believe it’s her mother that is paying for the boarding school.

but sure, he’s providing for his children according to what he judges to be their respective needs. If he is contributing to her schooling, then he was and is willing to pay double for a room that no one else can use. He specifically renovated in order to provide a space exclusively for his daughter (and OP was against him doing this at the time). It isn’t a guest room, and he’s plainly told OP that it won’t be used as one.

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Sounds very unlikely to be spending the same on his other children as the DSD, no wonder OPs frustrated, sounds like she would be better separating and claiming maintenance

InterIgnis · 07/12/2025 16:18

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:16

Sounds very unlikely to be spending the same on his other children as the DSD, no wonder OPs frustrated, sounds like she would be better separating and claiming maintenance

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He’s not stopping her. He’s told her from the beginning that she can take it or leave it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 16:21

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:16

Sounds very unlikely to be spending the same on his other children as the DSD, no wonder OPs frustrated, sounds like she would be better separating and claiming maintenance

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Well, they are a baby and a three-year-old, so unlikely to be grounds for comparison for a while yet.

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:22

BettysRoasties · 07/12/2025 15:33

I didn’t realise it was that poster

Yeah you cannot demand your stepdaughters bedroom in her father’s house. You’re not married and name isn’t on the house you’ve got no rights there.

You are two or three separate families really living in that house. Him and her. You and your children. Him and your shared children.

This is not a blended family more like a hmo family. You’ll never win this with him and honestly I respect him for making sure his child is comfortable over you wanting your mother to stay when she’s under an hour away.

What a dysfunctional horrible set up, if he’s not marrying then she should leave him,

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:26

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 16:21

Well, they are a baby and a three-year-old, so unlikely to be grounds for comparison for a while yet.

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So who’s paying for the baby and toddler’s childcare? In most most normal households it’s all family money so it’s not a case of one getting to decide where that money goes, honestly she would be far better off on her own and have the court mandate the support he she provide for their children

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 07/12/2025 16:29

I kind of get this, at 14 I had things that (I believed) were super super private in my room, and I'd be angsty about someone being in the room without me, touching my things. Yes, in an ideal world she'd offer/it wouldn't be a big deal but she will likely have a diary, her underwear, notes she has written to herself, special memories and photos, teenage girls can be very precious over that sort of stuff.

Just move the baby in with you, it's easy for you to do so, and you're actually digging in about this purely because you're annoyed at SD. If you had 1 less bedroom and no SD what would you do? You'd move the baby. Job done. There's a bigger issue here between how you all interact, as you clearly feel dh doesn't have reasonable boundaries with SD, you also seem to take this out/blame SD for it - which is not fair. You have a blended family, she is his daughter, this won't go away and he won't choose you over her (nor should he, ever). So either get on board or don't, but you can't blame the SD for the situation.

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 16:30

OP says he is kind, good company, good to her eldest DD. He's obviously an involved father to all his children, and he's providing for the household. If OP wants to leave this arrangement because she is unhappy with the provisions he makes for his eldest daughter, she's free to do so - but it's a lot to throw away over perhaps another four - five years of occasional visits from someone whose relationship to the family is awkward, and one room in the house being off-limits.

Have a think about whether you aren't feeling an urge to control things, OP, and think whether it's useful or worthwhile. A 14 year old will be an adult in no time - why get caught up in wanting her to behave like your child instead.

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:32

InterIgnis · 07/12/2025 16:18

He’s not stopping her. He’s told her from the beginning that she can take it or leave it 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Had a friend in similar situation, nice DSC but older divorced man with children already, not willing to marry or share life together properly. They had kids together, best decision she made leaving him and now married to lovely man without children and very happy blended family with their own baby too now. She’ll find she’s been nothing more than a servant and bearer of children to this man

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:38

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 16:30

OP says he is kind, good company, good to her eldest DD. He's obviously an involved father to all his children, and he's providing for the household. If OP wants to leave this arrangement because she is unhappy with the provisions he makes for his eldest daughter, she's free to do so - but it's a lot to throw away over perhaps another four - five years of occasional visits from someone whose relationship to the family is awkward, and one room in the house being off-limits.

Have a think about whether you aren't feeling an urge to control things, OP, and think whether it's useful or worthwhile. A 14 year old will be an adult in no time - why get caught up in wanting her to behave like your child instead.

The problem is they’re not married, he doesn’t sound like he ever intends to share his life properly with her so it isn’t just a temporary thing. She’s better making a new life for herself, for all she knows he could leave her or die tomorrow and leave absolutely nothing to her , at least if she’s on her own she’ll know where she is, won’t be wasting anymore time on this guy, be entitled to maintenance for the children and be able to start building a secure future not under the control of his whims

InterIgnis · 07/12/2025 16:39

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:32

Had a friend in similar situation, nice DSC but older divorced man with children already, not willing to marry or share life together properly. They had kids together, best decision she made leaving him and now married to lovely man without children and very happy blended family with their own baby too now. She’ll find she’s been nothing more than a servant and bearer of children to this man

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Okay, cool. Literally no one is stopping OP from leaving, the same as no one forced her into this situation in the first place. She chose it, and she can choose to leave if she wants to. She doesn’t actually seem to want to though, which leaves ‘take it’ as the avenue open to her.

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 16:43

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:38

The problem is they’re not married, he doesn’t sound like he ever intends to share his life properly with her so it isn’t just a temporary thing. She’s better making a new life for herself, for all she knows he could leave her or die tomorrow and leave absolutely nothing to her , at least if she’s on her own she’ll know where she is, won’t be wasting anymore time on this guy, be entitled to maintenance for the children and be able to start building a secure future not under the control of his whims

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Are they not married, though? She's saying DH? Sure, she can get maintenance if she doesn't want the relationship - but throwing it away over this issue sounds daft to me.

SnoopyPajamas · 07/12/2025 16:44

She's a teenage girl, and this already isn't her home 100 percent of the time. Of course it's important to her to feel she has her own space and that space is sacrosanct. Kudos to your DH for putting his foot down and respecting her emotional needs.

If she was your own child and it was her permanent home, maybe I'd be advocating she learn to shift up and make do. But the family dynamic changes the picture, as does the difficult age she's at. She needs privacy. She needs stability. She needs to feel her wishes are respected even if she's not there. I'd suck it up and leave her room alone, if I was you.

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 16:57

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 16:43

Are they not married, though? She's saying DH? Sure, she can get maintenance if she doesn't want the relationship - but throwing it away over this issue sounds daft to me.

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If she is married then yes I agree, throwing it all away over this would be silly

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 17:00

SnoopyPajamas · 07/12/2025 16:44

She's a teenage girl, and this already isn't her home 100 percent of the time. Of course it's important to her to feel she has her own space and that space is sacrosanct. Kudos to your DH for putting his foot down and respecting her emotional needs.

If she was your own child and it was her permanent home, maybe I'd be advocating she learn to shift up and make do. But the family dynamic changes the picture, as does the difficult age she's at. She needs privacy. She needs stability. She needs to feel her wishes are respected even if she's not there. I'd suck it up and leave her room alone, if I was you.

Can’t agree that her own DD should be expected to compromise but not the DSC, surely the room in your main residence is more sacrosanct than one you only stay in for 2-3 nights a month, the DSC sounds like she has an awful lot in comparison to the OPs DD

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 17:10

InterIgnis · 07/12/2025 16:39

Okay, cool. Literally no one is stopping OP from leaving, the same as no one forced her into this situation in the first place. She chose it, and she can choose to leave if she wants to. She doesn’t actually seem to want to though, which leaves ‘take it’ as the avenue open to her.

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Well I just know from life experience of myself and others that such a set up never ends well, yes I’ve known of couples who both have very little, have children then marry and are happily married years later but this sounds different. He’s much wealthier than she is, has made it clear he wants to share her bed but not really their lives together, he doesn’t want to build anything together they will jointly own. Unless he really values her then why would he, he’s got the perfect set up for what he wants. She’ll find herself left high and dry after wasting even more years of her life at a standstill with him. Been there and done that myself until took the plunge to leave, left with absolutely nothing but then met a lovely man who really did want to build a life together and we’ve been happily married with our own house for many years
p.s I was much better off as a single parent, after left my ex, life was comparably far more comfortable, I was able to clear debt, never had to worry about turning the heating on a just generally very happy plus found I suddenly had lots more free time. BTW DH was no wealthier than me when we met

SheilaFentiman · 07/12/2025 17:13

I do wonder if OP’s eldest DD would be asked to give up her room for DH’s mum… or if OP would feel that wasn’t fair…

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 17:18

SheilaFentiman · 07/12/2025 17:13

I do wonder if OP’s eldest DD would be asked to give up her room for DH’s mum… or if OP would feel that wasn’t fair…

Sure she wouldn’t mind if her DD wasn’t actually there