Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

Why should they move and interrupt their sleep when there’s a room empty? Sheets can be washed and if she’s hardly ever there why does she have that room? Silly

Eh?

Of course someone can’t stay in a room for three nights without moving something. Making space on the bedside table for their book and drink, at least.

Not to mention that it would destroy any sense of trust if they tried to hide the fact that the room had been used, and needed the other three girls to keep that secret too!

Op I think I remember your other posts. It all just sounds utterly miserable, more so for your own older daughter than your step daughter when the wider context is known.

You really can’t go on like this.

why does she have that room?
so you think a young girl, living away from family at boarding school shouldn’t have a bedroom in her dads home?

Why would anyone sleep on the floor when there's a spare bed? This is bonkers.

Because her father had it built
specifically for her, and isn’t going to have it used as a guest room. ‘Silly’ or not, he’s said no, and OP has little choice but to figure something else out.

Per OP’s previous threads, it’s his house and they aren’t actually married. He’s wealthy, she isn’t. She’s tried to challenge him before and been told to stay in her lane. She chooses to stay despite being unhappy with the dynamic.

That is unbelievably ludicrous when there is an empty double bed sitting there.

I have also read the OP’s other post. It’s clear that her DH sees his children and particularly his eldest as entirely separate to his SD, the OP’s DD from a previous relationship, and the DSD herself has no intention of regarding the OP’s family as anything to her, despite their efforts to welcome her.

The OP has much bigger problems than where her mother is going to sleep at Christmas.

I know we’re supposed to say DH and SDD are unreasonable, I know it sort of is, but I really like seeing a dad having firm boundaries and putting his kids first because it’s so rare. This should have all been thought through before having more children.

Are you Kathy Bates in Misery?😂

I know what you mean.

There's also a slight whiff from the OP that I can't quite put my finger on that is sort of trying to push the SD out of the nest

I can imagine the previous conversations - the OP saying the SD doesn't deserve as much space in the house as the other kids because she doesn't live there full time, the DH then saying fine, I will pay for an extension, then the OP still trying to claim the SD's space for her family

Yes, it should have. To be honest, the OP should simply back up her three children to go to her mum’s for Christmas and have a good long think about where she sees this relationship going. Her DH and DSD have zero intention of treating her oldest DD as part of their family. This now seems to extend to her mum.

I have to say I do wonder if some of these posts can be real. The attitude towards grandmas shown here is the worst I think I’ve ever seen on MN, and bears no reflection of the real world as I know it so I’m starting to think half have been made of for attention. If not - well, there are a lot of sad and miserable MNers out there.

There is no 'we' here. OP is the only one who wants to use DSD's room. DSD has put a boundary in place - OP is able to accommodate DM in other ways, but said she doesn't want to. So she is creating a scenario where is she attempting to take control of DSD's private space because she doesn't want to do something different, and setting up an unnecessary OP vs DSD battle of wills.

DH has already said no. OP needs to swallow her pride and make another arrangement.

No, are you?

Or are you just a bizarre little thing?

Have a great day; I shan’t interact with you further.

You don't know it will definitely lead to a sleep regression for the younger children. It's only a couple of days presumably. Moving the kids around sounds like the least hassle solution

It is the OPs house for goodness sake, the other arrangements would hugely inconvenience everyone else

You are completely correct we should all bow to the demands of a 14 year old no matter how illogical and inconvenient they are for every other member of the family.

Yes I’m quite concerned re the OPs older daughter risks being the real hidden victim in this, although hopefully the OP is protecting her from this. The DSD no doubt has a mother and a lovely bedroom there, boarding school, she’s being given the best room in her dad’s house despite the fact she’s only there 2-3 nights a month etc, Does the older DD even have a dad who is involved let alone a room at another house?
Of course the DSD should be welcomed and treated with love and inclusion at her dad’s house (and in real life experience I have seen where this hasn’t happened and it’s been so sad so I would be the first to say this) However the DSD does not need to be put on a pedestal at the expense of the OPs older DD (which quite a few posters have suggested should happen).

You are forgetting that the OP had children with the DH , surely the DHs resources should be being shared out in a fair and logical manner between all the children. Why isn’t he building an extension for his other children too then? I am all for DSD being fairly treated, it was heartbreaking to see this happen on the other side to my own children. However there always seems to be such a strong bias on MNs against the children of any new relationship, like it’s fine for them to be treated as total 2nd class citizens and receive a pittance proportion of any available resources

Of course it isn’t. The least hassle solution is to use the bedroom standing empty for most of the time.

what stood out me is that you don’t know yet that dsd wont be there. What will you do if she does want to come for christmas?

It sounds as though the OP’s daughter is living in a much nicer environment than she would be without her Stepfathers’s wealth.

I feel sorry for the Stepdaughter in all this. She’s had a “blended” family forced on her, spends most of the year away from family at boarding school and then the part of the house her father wants her to have for herself so she feels secure is under threat from her Stepmother wanting to use it. No doubt if her husband gave way on the Christmas request, it’d be five minutes before her own daughter was using the room ‘just while the stepdaughter isn’t there’.

I wonder whether DH and SD being so set on the bedroom is actually more about OP's overall feelings towards the SD. This isn't the first post by OP about SD and I am certain DH and SD will be aware of these feelings. DH will love all his children equally and may well be pushing back to defend his daughter being treated unfairly. Why can't DH sleep in with the younger children and mum in with OP. There are many options OP cpuld consider that could happen that wouldn't involve SD giving up her room and still make her feel welcome in her father's house.

Is she necessarily, she would almost certainly have her own nice room if the OP was single (2 bedroom houses tend to have a generous sized 2nd room) and if had remained single and the DD and the only child. The OP would have then had a much greater earning capacity in addition to time and energy for her DD. Not that the OP should have for those reasons and sure she is doing all she can to ensure the DD is having a nice life, also now has the benefit of more siblings as the DSD also has. Who says the DSD doesn’t enjoy boarding school? Most children don’t get that opportunity, obviously if she hates it that’s a different issue but no evidence she is not happy about this huge amount of money being spent on her. The DD has also had a blended family imposed upon her. You’re making sweeping assumptions that boarding schools and blended families are always negative, where is the evidence of this in this particular case.

Husband on the sofa and your mum shares the bed with you?

If your stepdaughter is there for Christmas and your mum is in her room, where will stepdaughter sleep?