Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

My DD has a big en suite room. She knows how lucky she is and when grandparents come to stay she moves out into her younger brothers room. Without protest.

Having to have two bedrooms in two houses because your parents are divorced is a burden not a privilege, and children often feel deeply sad they don’t just have one room and one house. Which won’t be helped by the OP treating her stepdaughters room as the guest bedroom.

You sleep on sofa, husband can sleep on the floor or in step daughter's room and your mom can sleep in your bedroom. You want your mom to have a big bed so she gets one and your OH wants no one to sleep step daughter's room so everyone should be happy.

I dont think your husband is entirely unreasonable for going along with step daughter in not wanting strangers to snoop in her room and I'd honestly give him some credit for trying to keep the relationship with his daughter as good as possible.

As long as there is a chance of her showing up, her room should be available. If she is 100% not going to be in residence, then using the space for guests is reasonable. Until that determination is made though, I don’t think you should make any plans that would make her feel unwelcome in her own home.

Absolutely no chance would I be listening to Dh. Change the bedsheets etc and let your mum stay. I certainly wouldn’t be making my mum stay on the sofa if there was a bed going and there is. If stepdaughter comes she can manage the sofa or a different bed for the time. Utterly selfish for anyone to think a woman In her 70s will be ok on a sofa.

so ops dd doesn’t? She has no contact with her dad? You know this?

edited to add- wrong post quoted!

Valid options if she’s there. If she’s not do you really think it’s sensible to do this when there’s a room available. So silly.

so ops dd doesn’t? She has no contact with her dad? You know this?

this is post meant to quote!

Really?? As a child of divorced parents I felt like it was great having ‘2 bedrooms’ at different houses, a definite up side to the situation. Not once did I feel sad that I didn’t have just one room at one house or even where heard such a view from any contemporaries in a similar situation or my own children and their friends. I do know that talking to a child like you couldn’t care less about them, constant criticism (alongside constant praise of the new wife’s existing children) can have a devastating effect, any child having to spend time in such a household is likely to very much want to be back in their own loving home. That’s to do with the hostility they’re getting from the parent/step parent, not the fact they’ve got 2 bedrooms

You’d think. However the last time we went to BiL’s and stayed over at Xmas (they lived about an hour away from us at the time), DH and I (well into our 50s then) were given a pile of random cushions and told to sleep on the tv room floor. Our two DSs got the sofas in the lounge, other BiL the study floor. DMiL got the spare room and BiL’s DDs got to stay in their own double en-suite rooms undisturbed. No question of the sisters sharing one of their rooms and freeing up the other for one night - nope.

If I remember an earlier thread correctly, that isn’t an option for OP. It isn’t her house - it’s his. She isn’t in a position to override him.

I was going to say this. How do you know @Balletbabe that the grandmother wont snoop. My elderly mother absolutely would have.

Oo that changes things. If it’s not hers or joint then the daughter rules the house.

It’s more like he does. He had that part of the house built specifically for her, and doesn’t want it used as a guest room.

I don’t think OP is married to him either, or she wasn’t earlier this year anyway. If this is the case then her position is even more precarious.

I don’t think a lot of people are seeing this from the step daughters point of view.

She is away at boarding school a lot of the time. Her dad started a new family and lives with another girl the same age as her and she has half siblings that she has to negotiate to spend time with without her step sister.

She has no desire to blend families and her dad doesn’t seem to be bothered about encouraging it so he paid for her room so she had her own private space and can visit him in a home where she’s not really welcomed in by the OP.

OP says her stepdaughter is polite and a lovely girl but the resentment is obvious - especially on the other thread. If I was in this girls shoes I’d be so grateful for a space of my own and wouldn’t want people in my room that I’m not related to and have no desire to be. It’s not that she’s being spoilt it’s a consolation prize for the fact she’s essentially a guest in her dads home when another girl her age lives there full time, it’s an incentive to visit and see her dad with her own space.
In the previous thread it seemed OP wanted the girls to share with her daughter which isn’t ideal in a blended family - never mind one where half refuse to blend.

I shared a room until I was 14 and was an introverted child who was extremely tidy and organised and took pride in my room when my sister preferred to live in a hovel.
I’d spent hours tidying and buying things for our shared room and go out and when I returned it was trashed. My sister used to pick her nose and wipe it on the walls I’d asked to be wallpapered when the room was decorated as my birthday present.

As soon as I had my own room I hated anyone being in it and now as an adult wouldn’t give it up for anyone because it’s my sanctuary.
I don’t understand why people can’t see that a teenage girl wouldn’t want an unrelated adult in her bed and space that was exclusively built for her!
My parents gave my room to my niece as soon as I moved out at 18, it made me feel like I’d only ever had my own space if it was spare and I was never prioritised.
My niece had her own room at home but my sister insisted all grandparents had rooms for their grandchildren so I never went back to stay the night with my parents again.

I think the voting on this thread is influenced by who has/hasn’t read the previous thread and realised this isn’t a normal blended family situation.

OP is never going to get things to change and needs to accept that her DP is happy to have two separate families. There are other solutions for Christmas sleeping arrangements that don’t involve pushing her stepdaughter away further.

Put your elder daughter in with you. Your Mum in her room and let your husband choose between a floor mat and his daughter’s bed.

This is the best solution I’ve read on this thread.

Then after Christmas get your ducks in a row.

Don't believe you

If I was your mother
and I knew that your 14 yr old SD had been having a tricky time in this side of her family and that me staying over was causing both you and her tension - i would cause NO FUSS instead I would either

1. book a local hotel

or

1. offer to sleep in with the baby

or

1. offer to sleep on the sofa

or

1. get a taxi. Pricey but less than a hotel and worth it not to cause my daughter and her step daughter any issues

Totally understand your SD and DP’s position, particularly having read the backstory. Sounds like she doesn’t fit into your ‘little family’ and DP has given her this room to make her feel like she does have some sort of space within it. I get why she doesn’t want someone who isn’t even related to her (has she even met your mother?) staying in it.

Lots of solutions on here have been vetoed by you because you don’t want to disrupt your own DC but you’re happy to upset her. Says it all. Get a blow up mattress and sleep in the living room or something, give your mum your bed.

Mum can share with me and dh work himself out.
we are giving our queen bed to my eldest when we get a king, it comes with the understanding that he vacates his room when family are staying and they use it. That’s life. So I think your dh is being a poor role model for his daughter encouraging this.

Don't believe that for one second

Why not just ask the DD if she'll be there at Xmas or not? Are you both afraid to speak to her?

I don’t think a lot of people are seeing this from the step daughters point of view.
She is away at boarding school a lot of the time. Her dad started a new family and lives with another girl the same age as her and she has half siblings that she has to negotiate to spend time with without her step sister.
she’s away at boarding school not with her mum the rest of the time?! Oh my bloody hell this poor girl!

OP has stated that it is dependent on whether DSD’s grandparent is well enough to travel. Which is of course out of DSD’s hands.