Page 17 | Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

Mythoughtsalone · 07/12/2025 11:37

She sounds very entitled and spoilt. My children have always given up their room at Christmas for their grandparents to stay. They don't have a choice and are well mannered and happy to do that. They usually give them a few pounds as a "thank you". And that is their permanent bedroom. It's called being a family and being kind to each other.

MyDeftDuck · 07/12/2025 11:40

“All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either”………and yet he’s perfectly happy for everyone else to be inconvenienced! If DSS isn’t using the room then IMO anyone can use it……..stop treating her like a bloody princess.

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 11:41

khfippjjj · 07/12/2025 09:28

I know we’re supposed to say DH and SDD are unreasonable, I know it sort of is, but I really like seeing a dad having firm boundaries and putting his kids first because it’s so rare. This should have all been thought through before having more children.

It sounds like it was thought through though - the father built an extension onto his house so his DD could keep her own space. OP just seems determined to undermine this.

1HappyTraveller · 07/12/2025 11:42

Balletbabe · 06/12/2025 18:19

No She did not live here before me but still got the best room at her father’s insistence. We now have an extension to accommodate youngest ones.

I have read your post and can see it from all angles.

However this is the bit that seems unfair. I understand why she has her own room and whey she doesn’t want people in there - I think at 14 I would feel the same tbh. But… If she’s hardly ever there then why does she get the best room in the house? Why can your 13 yo not have that as her room and use the en-suite daily. It seems a bit mean to not have this set-up already when her step-sister is hardly ever there 🤷‍♀️

I would choose the easiest option for now but moving forwards I’d be discussing with your husband about rearranging the rooms in a way that is fair and practical for everyone. Not just his daughter. I suspect if your 13 yo had this room already then Christmas arrangements would be less of an issue.

JFDIYOLO · 07/12/2025 11:42

You're treating your husband's daughter like a visitor. Her bedroom like it's a spare room.

You need to rearrange your thinking there and accept that though she may only be there a few nights a month, this is also her home. Her space. She needs to feel a part of Dad's life and she probably feels a bit vulnerable and insecure so a room that's HERS helps her hang on to security.

With only a few weeks to go, your husband and his ex need to sort themselves out and decide where she will be spending Christmas, for everyone's clarity.

If she's coming to you, job done.

If not, it might be possible to start conversations with her about kindness, sharing, offering, accommodating, being aware that if she doesn't need it, it would help Dad and you plan to welcome your guests.

Thing is though, if she isn't there, how is she stopping you?

NameChanger20252 · 07/12/2025 11:45

YANBU. DSS has a room at our house which is decorated to his taste. However, he’s aware that sometimes other people sleep in there if he’s not with us. It probably happens about once a month if my mum stays and very occasionally if our friends stay because their daughter is in the box room. Regarding your DSD, the room doesn’t become less hers (so to speak) just because it’s occasionally used by someone else. Your husband is being silly.

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 11:47

1HappyTraveller · 07/12/2025 11:42

I have read your post and can see it from all angles.

However this is the bit that seems unfair. I understand why she has her own room and whey she doesn’t want people in there - I think at 14 I would feel the same tbh. But… If she’s hardly ever there then why does she get the best room in the house? Why can your 13 yo not have that as her room and use the en-suite daily. It seems a bit mean to not have this set-up already when her step-sister is hardly ever there 🤷‍♀️

I would choose the easiest option for now but moving forwards I’d be discussing with your husband about rearranging the rooms in a way that is fair and practical for everyone. Not just his daughter. I suspect if your 13 yo had this room already then Christmas arrangements would be less of an issue.

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Completely agree, even if this was my own DD I would think my ex mad for giving her the best room in the house when she’s only there 2-3 nights a month. However this doesn’t fit with the MNs narrative that 99% of resources should go to the children of the first marriage whether that’s fair or logical and to hell with the rest of the children in the family

outerspacepotato · 07/12/2025 11:47

I think OP said the extension is where the latest kids live. But it sounds like there was an agreement made that SD has her room. Now OP wants to change that. He remodeled to have a 2 family home, his and OP's and their shared kids. 2 families share space and OP wants SD's space for her use.

Since SD doesn't see OP's extended family as her family, OP using SD's room as her family's guest room would result in pushing SD out of the home. If OP has her mom there, SD definitely would not be there. OP knows this. That's the point of this. It looks like OP's husband sees it too, that's why he's put his foot down. OP is having some kind of problem with SD the last 2 holidays now. OP resents her stepdaughter, it's really obvious and her partner is likely clued in.

Pusstachio · 07/12/2025 11:48

I have a SS and we have moved his bedroom to accommodate a new sibling and use his room as an office when he’s not here.

We also hold off big family celebrations unless he’s here, plan outings around his interests and in general make it very clear he’s welcome, indeed cherished by the whole blended family. Which is probably why he’s fine with all of the above.

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 11:49

I think the room becomes very much less the DSD's if OP insists that it's the only place her mother can stay before they even know if DSD is going to be there at Christmas. It's not a spare room, and you only need an ounce of sensitivity towards a stepchild to know that having their space in their father's home matters. Good on him for sticking to that line. There are lots of other options.

Pusstachio · 07/12/2025 11:50

OP why not give your mum your room and sleep on the sofa or if you have a dining room in there?

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 11:53

outerspacepotato · 07/12/2025 11:47

I think OP said the extension is where the latest kids live. But it sounds like there was an agreement made that SD has her room. Now OP wants to change that. He remodeled to have a 2 family home, his and OP's and their shared kids. 2 families share space and OP wants SD's space for her use.

Since SD doesn't see OP's extended family as her family, OP using SD's room as her family's guest room would result in pushing SD out of the home. If OP has her mom there, SD definitely would not be there. OP knows this. That's the point of this. It looks like OP's husband sees it too, that's why he's put his foot down. OP is having some kind of problem with SD the last 2 holidays now. OP resents her stepdaughter, it's really obvious and her partner is likely clued in.

What is this 2 family thing? Are they not all just one blended family?

RinklyRomaine · 07/12/2025 11:55

ProudPearl · 06/12/2025 15:28

Why don't you and your DH sleep on a blow up bed in the lounge and give your mother your room? Or DH on the sofa and you share with your mum? Why is it only your stepdaughter who can give up her room?

But why? Two people having a horrible nights sleep or someone who isn’t even there sharing like any other member of the family would?

BicesterBiscuits · 07/12/2025 11:55

DH on the sofa and your Mum bunks in with you...

Pherian · 07/12/2025 11:56

Balletbabe · 06/12/2025 15:18

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

Just come out and say you don’t like your step daughter and you are happy to have a contentious relationship with her.

Your DH should watch your interactions with her carefully.

weisatted · 07/12/2025 11:56

I just reread the OP's posts and I think she thinks that even if her SD is there for Christmas, she should give up her room. I really really disagree with that. It's not her grandmother. It should be the eldest DD who gives up her bed, a single bed is fine.

Pusstachio · 07/12/2025 11:57

RinklyRomaine · 07/12/2025 11:55

But why? Two people having a horrible nights sleep or someone who isn’t even there sharing like any other member of the family would?

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They don’t know she’s not there though so they of course need a proper plan for how to accommodate guests when they’re all together

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 11:59

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 11:49

I think the room becomes very much less the DSD's if OP insists that it's the only place her mother can stay before they even know if DSD is going to be there at Christmas. It's not a spare room, and you only need an ounce of sensitivity towards a stepchild to know that having their space in their father's home matters. Good on him for sticking to that line. There are lots of other options.

Sorry but when we say to our kids that is your room, we don’t mean we can never use the room for anything else. Our DS has his own room but I regularly bring him into our room if we’ve got guests, both his and DSC room is designed so can be both their bedrooms and multi purpose when needed

nutbrownhare15 · 07/12/2025 12:00

Ddakji · 07/12/2025 11:08

Of course it isn’t. The least hassle solution is to use the bedroom standing empty for most of the time.

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Practically yes. Emotionally it's the most hassle.

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 12:00

RinklyRomaine · 07/12/2025 11:55

But why? Two people having a horrible nights sleep or someone who isn’t even there sharing like any other member of the family would?

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Why should SD have a horrible night's sleep if she's there, then? Plenty of blow up beds etc are perfectly comfortable.

It's either a big deal for someone to give up their bed, in which case planning for DSD to do it makes her seriously uncomfortable at Christmas. Or it's not, in which case there is no reason for DSD to be the one to be displaced. OP is creating a fake problem here.

RinklyRomaine · 07/12/2025 12:01

My 15yo would give up her room with en suite to any guest without even thinking about it if she was at her dad’s. If she was at home she would go in with her brothers, sleep on my floor, or crash on the sofa for my mum. Or DHs mum, who is also her family. Because she’s not a selfish mare who would see a 70yo on the floor or in anything less than comfort because ‘her space’. She’s always had two rooms, wouldn’t mind if her dad let anyone sleep in hers while she’s home - long as the beds are cleaned, she is a child of our family and would hate for any guest in either home to be uncomfortable. Offering a bed to an older relative is not pushing anyone out,
its manners. And for the person least likely to be inconvenienced, I can’t see the issue. My DD knows we are two to her one, we are more likely to have less sleep as our other kids are little and annoying sometimes, and we need comfortable sleep more than she does. The problem with this attitude is that it makes the first child more separate, less integrated than the rest of the family who rub along and put other members first as a matter of courtesy and love, not because of birth order or divorce.

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 12:03

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 11:59

Sorry but when we say to our kids that is your room, we don’t mean we can never use the room for anything else. Our DS has his own room but I regularly bring him into our room if we’ve got guests, both his and DSC room is designed so can be both their bedrooms and multi purpose when needed

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That's your call with your own children of course, and I'm sure it's fine for your family and you've thought it all through. But it's not what this child's father has said to her or arranged with her, and OP should not push him to break his commitment to her.

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 12:05

weisatted · 07/12/2025 11:56

I just reread the OP's posts and I think she thinks that even if her SD is there for Christmas, she should give up her room. I really really disagree with that. It's not her grandmother. It should be the eldest DD who gives up her bed, a single bed is fine.

The logical thing would just be to arrange OPs mother’s visit for when the SD isn’t there, which I assume is what the OP is doing, i.e well as SD planning to spend Christmas with her mother then SD comes for new year if she fancies. This is how we do it all the time, DSC mother wants to have guests over on x dates so they stay here and vice versa

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 12:06

Oftenaddled · 07/12/2025 12:03

That's your call with your own children of course, and I'm sure it's fine for your family and you've thought it all through. But it's not what this child's father has said to her or arranged with her, and OP should not push him to break his commitment to her.

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Well it was a silly commitment for him to make as not fair on the rest of the family

Ringarose · 07/12/2025 12:11

RinklyRomaine · 07/12/2025 12:01

My 15yo would give up her room with en suite to any guest without even thinking about it if she was at her dad’s. If she was at home she would go in with her brothers, sleep on my floor, or crash on the sofa for my mum. Or DHs mum, who is also her family. Because she’s not a selfish mare who would see a 70yo on the floor or in anything less than comfort because ‘her space’. She’s always had two rooms, wouldn’t mind if her dad let anyone sleep in hers while she’s home - long as the beds are cleaned, she is a child of our family and would hate for any guest in either home to be uncomfortable. Offering a bed to an older relative is not pushing anyone out,
its manners. And for the person least likely to be inconvenienced, I can’t see the issue. My DD knows we are two to her one, we are more likely to have less sleep as our other kids are little and annoying sometimes, and we need comfortable sleep more than she does. The problem with this attitude is that it makes the first child more separate, less integrated than the rest of the family who rub along and put other members first as a matter of courtesy and love, not because of birth order or divorce.

Absolutely, this is our children and DSC too and none of them have a problem with it 🤷🏻‍♀️ Blended families can be awful and my own DD was a victim of that but that was completely different treatment/circumstances