Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

You’ve said your eldest could go in with one of the younger ones and then your mum can have her single. This sounds ok right??everyone has a bed and step daughter can come and go if needed.

nobody needs an en suite. You said mum doesn’t have any additional needs so she can use the family bathroom. It’s only a couple of nights.

I know you’re annoyed but the stepdaughter probably feels more protective of her space as it’s not her main home.

edited for typo

OP’s children don't have an en suite.

I’d absolutely dig my heals in here, OP.

I am the oldest and had the biggest room in the house. I always moved to the box room over Christmas and whenever else adult relatives visited. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to try and say no and if it had my parents would’ve rightly ignored me.

Why should be en-suite lie unused in case a child visits instead of it being utilised by an adult? Utterly mad. The kids give way to the adults.

Maybe I’m just not fussed about en suites?!

I just think it’s an option that keeps everyone happy. We don’t yet know if step daughter will be there so OP will need a few ideas.

also mum is less than an hour away - does she need to stay?

because we expect a visitor and could use your room if you won't be there."

well I definitely wouldn't say this part!!

But yes they should ask her to make up her mind and let them asap as they need to make plans,

One of my DD's had an ensuite. If friends came to stay she bunked in with her sister and they had her room.

SD or not, its the rules of the house.

IIRC you may be using it as the marital home, but it’s still very much his house. It doesn’t really matter if you or anyone else thinks him unreasonable or not, he’s said no. So figure something else out.

OP has stated that it’s dependent on what another relative of DSD’s is doing. It’s not DSD being indecisive.

Stepdaughter does not know what she is doing as they are waiting to see if one of her grandparents is well enough to travel to a house they have in Europe.

She might not need to but what’s wrong with her wanting to?

I can’t imagine expecting an adult to share a family bathroom with three kids and two adults whilst a child has her own instead of appointing that room as the adult visitor’s. Actually, I couldn’t imagine making my older relatives share a bathroom with five others now whilst I had an en-suite.

Oh right I missed that bit . Well I guess it's just wait and see then,

Fine by me. I’ve done the same. Difference is that because I’m a grown up I was staying in a guest room at my mum’s, like any other guest would.

Because the adult whose house it is has said no.

The kid doesn’t have to give way to OP.

Sleeping in the bath is a new one!

but yeah, we got booted out our beds as kids and never even thought to question it. It was all part of the fun of Xmas.

The poster that was quoted didn’t even mention anything directly about the dd, it was all about the father.

Obviously he should make his daughter feel welcome and create a home that fits everyone comfortably. But it seems like the stepdaughter is getting a lot of special treatment and being treated favourably. As I’ve said, if she’s there for Christmas it isn’t clear cut. If she’s not then it’s ridiculous to make others uncomfortable when there’s an empty room sat there unoccupied. It’s really pretty obvious imo.

Didn’t say anything was wrong with it. Just thinking of solutions/ideas for the OP!

it’s only a couple of nights. It’s good to hear everyone’s ideas though- everyone has different views and experiences

Indeed. It’s only a couple of nights.

That's what gets me. She's not being asked to permanently give up her room. She's being asked to act like a family member and cede her room to an older guest for a couple of nights. It's unhealthy to raise a child to think that such a situation is infringing on her rights or somehow denigrating her.

If her MH issues are so bad that giving up her room to her father's mother-in-law for a couple of festive nights is traumatizing, they need to urgently prioritize therapy.

Do you also think op should have urgent therapy @CheeseIsMyIdol? Given her level of jealousy and self reported floods of tears if the dsd and half sister do anything with dads side of the family without op’s dd?

It’s not mentally unwell, that’s a ludicrous exaggeration. It’s about her feeling that something belongs to her and is special to her and she shouldn’t have to share it if she doesn’t want to.

“Go on, give Gran a few sips from your drink, you might not finish it anyway!”
”Isabel, let your stepsister wear your favourite dress to a party, you’re not planning to wear it that night.”
“Why can’t you just hug your uncle, you’re being rude!”

Children and teenagers are allowed boundaries, even when those boundaries mean adults aren’t going to get their way.

Absolutely @CamillaMcCauley but best not stop the wonderfuly kiiinnnd mnetters rejoicing in sticking the boot into this child! Maybe they’re the ones who need therapy!

Good for you, I guess? 👍

So buy proper adult size bed for baby/toddler/3yr old room and your mum can sleep in that.

I do get why dh wants to keep the room. He barely gets to see dd, its a difficult age anyway where none resident parent see less of their teens.

If this is ongoing then review how rooms are allocated and consider swapping rooms about so dsd doesnt have the ensuite.

There is also the option for OP’s DD to sleep downstairs:

There isn’t a bed for my mother if she can’t use my stepdaughter’s unless my elder daughter sleeps downstairs or on a mat in with the younger two

Or for OP to take the baby back into her room, as she states in the first post.

Because she is the only one with two beds and two bedrooms and will be sleeping in her other bed and bedroom for the duration of the visit.

We did this: our toddler in full sized bed early to increase options for guests. Works well.