Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

Absolutely, while still making the dsd out to be just awful. Is quite clear to see ops real opinion of her given all the actually horrendous name calling and vitriolic attitude to a child from adults here, and op hasn’t defended her,
”spoilt little madam”
”snowflake”
”princess” to name but a few…

Exactly. It's baffling that so many people are just ignoring that.

As we remind our own children, this actually is our house, they are of course booked into stay 24/7 but e.g. my DD away at uni couldn’t come and just decide to randomly stay when we’ve got guests staying and she wouldn’t dream of demanding to do so. Obviously in exceptional circumstances she of course could. Just as when the DSC are booked to stay at ours it wouldn’t be fair to suddenly say to their mum that they are now staying at hers, ruining all her plans of guests staying over etc. All of our kids are quite happy and know they are very much loved and importantly also not being brought up to be entitled twats

Wow. I'm glad my parents never behaved like that.

I've never needed to "book" to stay with my parents - my room is still my room even though I'm 36 and married! I stayed there last night, in fact.

Yeah this is the thing - I think the DH has made his views very clear and so has the SD that they don't see this as a blended family but two separate families.

The OP might not like that - but she should have resolved that if so before getting married and having more kids

Well, you do you. In my wider family everyone mucking in and bunking up to make way for guests is perfectly standard, as is a reasonable amount of respect for elders. Me and my sister did it for our granny, would never have occurred to us to have made a fuss, we loved our granny and loved it when she came to stay and we treated her like the queen, posh breakfast in bed and everything.

Same would happen when friends of our parents came to stay - no, we didn’t know them that well but it was always fun.

DH’s nephew has been turfed out of his room when we came to stay (first time we didn’t know this would happen) and we always leave a tenner on his bedside table as a thank you.

You mean your parents can’t ever have a guest to stay in that room?

According to her last thread, her husband paid for the extension to the tune of 62k so SD would have her own room. Not a guest room. No sharing. Her room. Now OP wants her room to be a guest room and since SD doesn't care to blend with OP's relatives, what a way to push her out of her dad's home completely. Put her relatives into SD's room.

It does look like the dad sees what's going on and is not ok with it.

Same! Wonder if these parents who say dc must book to come home, would be happy when they’re older and looking to stay with dc and grand dc and were told, nope no room at the inn, you haven’t booked early enough and we’d rather other people!

Don't force the issue unless you want to inflame tensions OP.

This is clearly a reaction relating to her place in the home and family, mixed with a teenager's need for privacy and boundaries.

Be the bigger person and move the baby. You said 'you don't want to,' but that's what being a parent and stepparent is about. Rise above the petty battles and it will pay off in the end.

My parents are free to do whatever they like - I'm not sure where I said otherwise? However, they choose not to have guests staying in that room and it's always available to me should I need it or want it.

You’ve got to realise in MNsworld granny’s are only useful for providing childcare, helping out’ and forming ‘meaningful’ relationships with the children aka someone whose purpose is to positively enrich their child’s life. The grandma’s worth, comfort and happiness are irrelevant. The concept that the elderly are more prone to suffer discomfort, tiredness, disability, bladder problems is either lost on the generation of the entitled or to be considerate of such issues would go quite against trying to bring their children up in the same vein

Yep. A lot of people are missing the backstory and haven't read OP's previous threads. This isn't a case of a well-adjusted step-family.

They do. But both are secure enough to not lay claim on an empty room that means an elderly lady should sleep on a sofa.

It’s sad that you can’t understand that a child/tween might need to feel they have something solid and within their control in all this

It is sad that you have raised such an insecure child.

See how this works when we see things differently!

In OP's shoes, since her husband is being unreasonable, I'd take the kids and go to Gran's for the day and night. He can sit home staring at his special daughter's empty room, or watching TV with her, should she show up.

It’s sad that you have raised such an insecure child.

Well, she was pretty secure until her dad blew up the family with a decade of lies, and then rushed a new relationship onto her. But sure, try to turn her trauma into petty point-scoring.

I went back and read the other thread about the stepdaughter. It seems that the husband literally built an extension to the house so that the stepdaughter would have her own room and feel welcome. Also- nobody except the OP is interested in blending the families. The stepdaughter is lovely, polite, well-brought-up, but simply not interested in the OP, the OP's sister, the OP's sister's wedding, or the other 13 year old with whom she has no blood relationship. Presumably she's not interested in the OP's mother, either.
OP's the one making the problem here. Leave the stepdaughter's room alone. It seems like a large house. There are other options.

Yet you chose to have 2 children with this man, despite already being a mother.

Do you know what, our lovely little DC are occasionally selfish and part of raising them is to see when they are being selfish, ask the older ones and they would hate to have been brought up in any other way. My oldest DD is a student nurse and has had amazing feedback from patients for the care and consideration she gives them. My DSC to the credit of their mum and my DH are wonderful too, we encourage the little DC to have consideration for them too. Yes maybe they are desperate to play with them but we tell them they are entitled to be able to come and relax and just chill on their rooms if that’s what they want to do . No one is on a pedestal in the house and we find that has always worked quite well

This of course the dsd will be insecure with a step mother stopping her having a relationship with her little sister without centering the ops daughter!

Your DH and SD are being overly precious. She lives in 2 houses at times and can't expect her own room in the one she spends least time at.

When you meet the love of your life and you’re still young enough, its not unusual to want to have children together

After reading your previous post OP I really have to wonder why you decided to have two children with this man when it was already apparent that your first daughter was not welcome to the rest of the family.

Would you be completely fine with an adult you barely know staying in your bedroom for three days while you’re not there?

You began it by saying it was sad I had a lack of understanding. I do not. My children have a second home.

Your situation is of no interest to me. No point scoring, just turning your own words back on yourself. But given how you twist things, I can see that your dd might have issues.