Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

What a vile post, you expect a child to 'book' in with her dad? Though, from OP posts, i think she would like that.

This isn't about being on a pedestal, it's about the insecurity that a stepchild faces in the family.

There is a profound lack of control on behalf of the stepchild. Someone has moved into one of their most significant caretaking roles, in their home, while they are still young and in need of care. They need to make sure this is safe, that their position in the family is secure, that they are still needed and wanted in the home, that their rights and feelings are respected.

If OP really needs this room, she can talk honestly to DH, and DH can talk to her. But it seems like this is a reaction to test whether DSD's feelings are prioritised, or OP's - this is underlined by the fact that DH doesn't agree with OP and it's really OP against DSD here. OP could make the extra effort to leave DSD's room undisturbed, and it would strengthen the understanding that OP respects DSD and her boundaries in the home. Or she could try and forcibly supersede DSD's control over her private space.

One will have a better outcome than the other.

Because she isnt there? Did u even read the post?

Did you? Because OP herself doesn't even know if she'll be there or not 🤔

This

This

So the same should be for ops eldest? She should have a room at her dads?

Ive Just read your other thread which I think is relevant. You are sort of two separate households hence why DM cant sleep in dsd room

I would still have your mum in your room and DH sleep on a zbed or something

But this sort of thing will likely crop up again and again with this set up

And? My eldest son has given up his bed for his siblings grandmother as his was the most suitable. In my house it’s respectful to offer your bed to a guest. I have given up my own bed on multiple occasions. Many others wouldn’t i’m sure, but I wouldn’t see a guest on the sofa, or alone as none of my kids will offer them a bed. In this instance the en suite is the most suitable. I think it’s daft giving the second best room (one most suitable for guests) to a child who is there a couple of times a month.

Fair enough if that child allows others to use their bed when they are not there, but I find it ridiculous if my mother couldn’t stay for Christmas and there was an empty bedroom. It wouldn’t happen as my DC know that sometimes, we give our beds up for guests, and those guests, sometimes give up their beds for us.

Your husband sounds really unreasonable to me. Treating the lass like a bloody princess!
Why the hell does she get a bigger room, double bed and en-suite when she doesn't live there permanently??

If she's not using it, you use it! Until she pays rent it's not up to her(unless she's staying too)

Yes all children in blended families are usually booked in with one parent or the other, that is the idea of shared care. If the children are booked to be here then we make sure they have a comfortable room to stay in, food in the house, meals planned and we don’t have other things on or they can be included in whatever we’re doing. The same for their mother, there’s always room for flexibility but it would be unfair to suddenly expect her to have them when they’re booked in with us. If our children were booked in with granny for a week then she would be taking over all those responsibilities and we could do whatever we wanted with our house and time for that week

Clearly there’s a lot more going on but the problem isn’t the step kid, or your mum- it’s you and your husband. You should both sleep on the airbed and just let everyone else have the beds! Kids in their rooms and your mum in yours.

You both have an unhealthy relationship or attachment to this room.

his insistence that she gets all the space seems to be based on him creating a safe space and stability for the daughter that doesn’t live with her dad. But he did that by pushing you in to it…. Which is wrong on his part…. with less regard for your children’s space (or future kids). Their space sounds squashed in the extension, something which he prob rationalises by thinking they have the stability of him being there 247

You went along with something begrudgingly and should have either done more at the time or been more realistic about how he was going to rebalance the child not living with you. you now feel like your kids have played second fiddle because they don’t have an en-suite which I get but they have their dad all the time.

He’s always going to do things to compensate time away from her. She’s likely going to get a bigger gift or whatever for when she gets older. You need to buckle in and decide what is important to you… material or emotional.

but also sleep on that air mattress and use it to get some perspective on al of this

I don't get why it's unfair. We always did this as kids when grandparents, uncles or aunts came to stay. We actually enjoyed being together.

Your DH is the problem. He shouldn’t have been able to decide this unilaterally. Do you even have an en suite? Or just DSD? He’s overcompensating to her so she feels welcome.

I’m glad your children haven’t had to deal with the same situation that mine have. It’s a bit gross that you feel the need to continue to snipe at me and make out that my daughter’s insecurity resulting from her dad’s chaotic behaviour is somehow my fault.

She is very happy and confident at my house but she is very unsettled at her dad’s for multiple reasons and I can see that her room there is just about the only place she feels comfortable. I can also see you are not wiling to understand and show sympathy towards people who might have had different experiences to yours, though.

But why? why should anyone be sleeping on the floor when there’s a perfectly good empty room!

I do agree this is a dh issue. He is massively pandering to and spoiling his dd at the expense of the other kids by the sounds of it - giving the best room to someone who is only there a few nights a month is a great example of this.

Christmas aside, it's ridiculous that a double bedroom with ensuite that is only used 3 nights per month was given for exclusive use to SD. You have a DH problem. He needs to see a therapist for his Dad guilt.

It's unfair and impractical for such a room to be out of bounds and unused for 27 nights per month.

Your DD of more or less the same age, lives there full time? Yet only has a small room? And no ensuite.

Madness, and I'd be furious with my DH is I were in your shoes. He's declared himself the boss of the household and that would piss me right off.

Tell me what will happen with Princess' room when she gets her own place? Will it still not be allowed to be used without your DH's and SD's authorisation?

Do you own the house too OP?

That’s rediculous! I would suggest to your DH you both give up your room for your Mum and sleep in the lounge or bring the baby in your room and quite frankly never have sex with him again😀

It might not be empty. OP says she doesn't know if SD will be there or not but wants to put her mom in there anyway.

As SD doesn't want much to do with OP's family, it's a good way to discourage SD from coming to her dad's.

Because a) the room might not even be empty and b) the OP shouldn't expect things of her step-daughter that she isn't willing to expect of her own child.

Also, if you read OP's other threads, her DH spent 62k ensuring his DD had her own room and space.

@Balletbabe Is sd OK with letting your eldest use her room/share room with eldest if she's coming? So grandma can have your eldest dcs room.

100% this.

This is a bit crazy. My DS and DD often have to give up their rooms for visiting relatives (from abroad). They always make a bit of a fuss to start with, but are always amenable - it’s just manners at the end of the day, and Christmas is about accommodating family.

It’s obviously a sore point with your DH as he’s divorced, and is keen to create a space for his DD that is always there. But it’s Christmas which is all about family and compromises, for the greater good!!

If she does end up being there it’s a different conversation. To make it out of bounds if she isn’t is frankly ridiculous and shouldn’t even be up for discussion. 14 year olds don’t get to dictate to adults what goes on in their own homes when they are not there.

I haven’t read op’s other posts. I’m not that invested. If the stepdaughter does decide she wants to be there at Christmas then perhaps the air bed setup might be necessary for the sake of keeping the peace.

Doesn’t explain why she gets the best room over the other kids when she’s only there a few days a month. Clear favouritism by the dh.