To send this to a married man

[IslaSkywalker]

It's been sent but I'd like to see what people say.

A man who's turned out to be married has been chatting with me and arranging to meet. Also being very flirty and sexual toned in conversation that I did not like and sent unsolicited "pictures." Guess what type.

He's been sent a moonpig postcard telling him to stop flirting and messing around in the new year and not to send pictures of his bits and pieces to women who've not asked.

I can't believe he's only done it the once. I chose a postcard because of the embarrassment factor. The postman will see it and it'd make him look a fool explaining to his wife if she picks it up from the mat.

Not bitter or jealous, he's a complete tool who I don't want. AT ALL.

Not so bloody brilliant if the postcard is picked up and read by a child or elderly people in the family. If so THEY could be the ones to suffer unnecessarily at this time of year. And the risk it is the wrong address of course too.

Yes, but this risks any children, or other innocent relatives, also having their lives destroyed too. And to me that seems just as unforgiveable as the man's revolting actions. Let alone the risk that the postcard will be delivered to another families' home.

Yeah, it is.

Can I seriously ask the OP if you feel any regret for the potential of children in the household lives being ripped apart like this. His own possible children, or the children of the person he is pretending to be. I understand your anger towards the man himself - but can you live with the damage you risk being done to other vulnerable children? I don't think I could live with that guilt. But I wonder why you don't feel that way too?

Play unsolicited dick pic games, get unsolicited sick pic prizes?

Also his name added to the sex offenders register.

Men need to be held accountable. What he did was a criminal offence and OP is absolutely bang to rights.

Who'd want to be married to a sex offender? I'd be grateful for the heads up from a woman who took the time to do this. I'd consider it appropriate.

Some of the possible outcomes of this action:

Wife sees it, doesn't care and nothing changes
Wife sees it, breaks up marriage - it's the wrong man and a lot of people, including children, have their lives ruined
Wife sees it, breaks up marriage - it's the right man and he learns a lesson
Wife sees it, it's the wrong man and he explains and proves it wasn't him
As above but wife is always suspicious of him going forward
Wife sees it, its the right man but he explains it as a joke and nothing changes
Either of them see it, they have an open marriage and they both have a good laugh
It gets lost in the post
It gets delivered to the wrong house and now all the neighbours know Tony over the road is a perv
As above, but it wasn't actually Tony but now he's the laughing stock
Husband finds it, bins it because it's true and he thinks you're nuts - does his own digging and finds out it was you, he comes after you for revenge
Husband finds it, bins it and nothing changes
Husband finds it, it wasn't him and he now thinks some nutter is after him/one of his mates is pissing about
Husband finds it, had a breakdown, confesses all and changes his ways
Husband finds it, keeps quiet but is so embarrassed he changes his ways
Another relative - perhaps a child or elderly parent- finds its and it causes them distress and confusion but it wasn't the Husband
Another relative perhaps a child or elderly parent finds its and it causes them distress and confusion and then they blame themselves for the inevitable marriage breakdown
The postie is really the pervert, using this man's life to lure unsuspecting women into conversation and he just destroys the postcard

Do most of those sound like it was really worth it?

So the children's feelings do not matter?

So? Report it. She still isn't a victim and it still doesn't make trying to tell his wife in a really heartless way right. The only person this is likely to hurt is his wife.

I agree with you except this could hurt other innocent, and potentially vulnerable, family members should they pick up the postcard from the post.

Is there something you don’t get about a woman being a victim of indecent exposure?

https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/online-safety/online-safety/cyberflashing/

As I said report it. But if you think seeing a willy on your phone and finding out your husband is attempting to have an affair are comparable then you are mad. Surely the mere sight of a knob on a screen, however sleezey and pathetic doesn't make you feel victimised? Clearly from this woman's comments it has had very little impact on her day to day life apart from her going to the effort to find his home address and send him a post card at her expense. But it could have a huge impact on his wife's. That's not to say she shouldn't find out what a complete ah he is, but there are less spiteful ways to do that. The OP doesn't seem to give a dam about the effect it will have on his family and just wanted a pat on the back for doing what she probably thought was quite witty.

The perpetrator didn't care?

So no one else should either?

You sound delightful

Again and again and again.

If the op reports this to the police, which I hope she does, as an unsolicited dick pic is illegal, the police WILL knock on his door. They will not give a flying fuck about his wife or kids feelings.

Do ANY OF YOU seriously think a post card saying 'keep it in your pants' is more traumatic than what she should have done?!!!!!!!

Because it sounds to me like you're all just telling her to shut up with really fake justification.

It is ILLEGAL to send an unsolicited dick pic.

WOW - bit shocked at that, but okay. I have the opposite view in that I would care about the children, no matter what crime or behaviour was exhibited by one of their parents. But then I am a foster care so perhaps feel differently. One child is happily sleeping upstairs, in care because his father is a drug dealer... no his father (and the mother who supported him) may not have cared. But I do.

Sorry if derailing the thread.

I understand your view, however that is exactly why perpetrators get away with it again again and again.

Noone wants to upset the apple cart. So the maggot ends up making everything rotten.

Frankly you sound about 16 and like passing messages in class. You do know that 90% of men on dating sites are probably married. And that 90% also exagerate their lifestyle to attract gullible women. And you just sent a nasty postcard to some random address. Some one is going to pick that up and wonder what the hecks going on and theres at least a 50% chance its someone totally unrelated to this idiot who made you feel hard done by

I agree with you with one exception. It would be unlikely the police would speak to the perpetrator in front of his children.

It'll be horrible to find out, but an investigation is impersonal, a legal procedure and will not weaponise the wife and kids by using them for shock value. There's no nice way to find this out, but some are not performative and exploitative.

I mean, by this same logic, if it doesn't matter how she finds out, then why can't it just be left to the investigation? What's the point of this big gesture if it doesn't make a difference?

You seriously think the police turning up will be less traumatic?

Brilliant.

Tell the op to call the police. Stop telling her to stay silent. Stop blaming her. Start encouraging everyone who experiences assault to report. Do not shame them or encourage their silence.

And for the other point, many victims of sexual assault act of trauma. Part of why they do this is because society encourages them the stay silent. Don't contribute to that pressure.

She should absolutely report it

The police knocking on the door is not the same as some anonymous postcard

Exactly

And they have family liasons etc to help mitigate any trauma

They'd also be able to do more research to make sure it was actually the right person...

Hardly the same as one of the children finding a letter on the floor which might not even be for the same person

Every single post in this thread should have been encouraging the op to either report or to seek counselling.

What's done is done. But to flame someone who has received unwanted graphic sexual attention is really disgusting. To place the blame on her for the perpetrators family life is horrific.

No one has told her to stay silent ffs

She's been told repeatedly she should report it over sending the postcard

I haven't blamed the OP for anything except not being very honest about her intentions. Stop making shit up.

And yes, as horrible as it would be, I do think a police investigation, face to face, honest anc open, away from the kids, by trained professionals who have seen this before and can be supportive and respectful, is less traumatic than an anonymous postcard entering your home. If you don't think there's a difference then you must also concede there's no point to the postcard. Why do it if it adds nothing to the investigation?

And if you think understanding this means I blame OP for the dick pic, or I don't think she should report it, or I love sexual harassment or whatever else, well, you're just talking plain bollocks aren't you, so who cares what you say?