To send this to a married man

[IslaSkywalker]

It's been sent but I'd like to see what people say.

A man who's turned out to be married has been chatting with me and arranging to meet. Also being very flirty and sexual toned in conversation that I did not like and sent unsolicited "pictures." Guess what type.

He's been sent a moonpig postcard telling him to stop flirting and messing around in the new year and not to send pictures of his bits and pieces to women who've not asked.

I can't believe he's only done it the once. I chose a postcard because of the embarrassment factor. The postman will see it and it'd make him look a fool explaining to his wife if she picks it up from the mat.

Not bitter or jealous, he's a complete tool who I don't want. AT ALL.

I wouldn’t see the sender as a loon. Pissed off, angry, repulsed (with a dark sense of humour) ? Yes. A loon? No.

Someone is insisting I tracked him down yet this wasn't necessary as he'd shown me his bloody house. I just confirmed that. That poster is putting lots of exclamation marks on their posts so they're only here for entertainment and baiting anyway.

Of course, but there's getting a message and evidence privately from a stranger and being able to talk about it, and then there's getting an anonomous card through your door and looking at everyone in your life, questioning who it could be, if it's real or not, is it from someone you know, is it from a stalker watching your house, is it from someone just trying to make trouble.

The first one is hurtful, the second one is just cruel.

I think outing him to the wife or trying to embarrass him or whatever is fine, but it's the way you've done it that seems off.

Telling the wife in a message or even a letter addressed directly to her, with actual information is the way to go.

This way, as others have said, kids may see it, or she may see it but she wont have any context or evidence or information. He will lie about it, obviously, and likely she will believe him, so he will get away with it. She will go through life with doubt, torment and fear unnecessarily though. The only person you are hurting here is the wife and potentially children.

you Know, you could’ve reported him to the police. Instead you’ve sent something which could be deemed as malicious and he could end up going to the police about you. Moonpig has your name and details.. pretty dumb thing to do lol

Lol indeed.

She sent the card to the husband though not the wife. I think OP said he gave her his address? (albeit accidentally)

Yes you're correct.

I mean I’m glad you see the funny side. It’ll be your door the police are knocking on, not mine 🤷‍♀️

But all this makes a massive assumption that she even wants to know. Not everyone wants to throw everything they have away in order to try to find a man guaranteed not to cheat. Some people love the cheater anyway. Some people are forgiving. Some people find that their entire history and everything they've built together is more important than his meaningless flings. Not everyone insists on utter sexual fidelity at all times for decades on end or go scorched earth, because some realise that lifetime sexual fidelity is a tall order. Maybe she's had affairs herself. You have NO IDEA.

I don't think I could get over infidelity myself. My point is, OP is assuming that the wife sees all this the same way she does. OP should have gone on at HIM if she wanted to express her outrage, instead of rubbing the wife's nose in it.

No I'm answering your question of if I think YABU which I do. You said yourself you didn't get all the info you know from that link, you did a few different searches not just into him but into the other names at his address so you could confirm who people were, checking work websites etc. clearly you do this a lot hence you paying for 192 but it's not normal.

And who would be to blame if your DD saw something like this? Your husband, for being a sleazy cheat.

I for one say good on you OP. He fucked around and he found out. Whatever the consequences for his wife and family are his fault for being a creep in the first place

But she explicitly said she sent it as a postcard for the reason of it being picked up by someone else. She's indire tly sending it to the wife and kids to cause embarrassment, in her own words.

With all the shifting info and her willingness to pay a regular subscription to 192 (god knows why?!) I don't buy he gave her his address, she's expecting us to believe he's sent her a link with his full street address and postcode when it's much more likely he's sent a pic of his house and OP has gone down an internet wormhole matching the picture to ad and then getting the address from companies house as she said. If she wanted to just send something to his address (which she already had) why has she spent time looking into all these extra searches?

What?

All of this! This is why I'm much more supportive on posts about telling a wife about a cheater when the OP actually knows the couple and has an idea about their marriage and what they have going on in life. This OP doesn't even know that all the info she has belongs to the dick she saw.

Op said he expected the postman to read it.
a silly story

@SoftBalletShoes

But all this makes a massive assumption that she even wants to know. Not everyone wants to throw everything they have away in order to try to find a man guaranteed not to cheat. Some people love the cheater anyway. Some people are forgiving. Some people find that their entire history and everything they've built together is more important than his meaningless flings

I wouldn’t be able to remain married to someone who I knew was sending dick pics regardless of how long we had been together. I wouldn’t be able to get past it. But maybe there are people who would rather not know.

At any rate, dropping this sort of bomb into this woman’s life in this way rather than affording her the dignity of being told privately is grossly self indulgent.

Oh dear. 🤦🏼‍♀️

But all this makes a massive assumption that she even wants to know. Not everyone wants to throw everything they have away in order to try to find a man guaranteed not to cheat. Some people love the cheater anyway. Some people are forgiving. Some people find that their entire history and everything they've built together is more important than his meaningless flings. Not everyone insists on utter sexual fidelity at all times for decades on end or go scorched earth, because some realise that lifetime sexual fidelity is a tall order. Maybe she's had affairs herself. You have NO IDEA.I don't think I could get over infidelity myself. My point is, OP is assuming that the wife sees all this the same way she does. OP should have gone on at HIM if she wanted to express her outrage, instead of rubbing the wife's nose in it.

Completely agree.

A lot of people would want to know. That's their preference. But a lot of people wouldn't. They don't have to justify this to anyone. They're not answerable to anyone. They always get pilloried on here for it by people who just want cheats punished at all costs and care more about that, their own displaced vengeance, than what the wife and family actually want. Even if it does constitute a moral failing, even if it's true that it makes you weak and stupid and whatever, it doesn't matter. Adults make their own decisions for personal matters and they don't need to explain themselves. Some women don't want to know and don't consent to a stranger's interference. If you do it anyway because you think she should consent and want what you want, you're not respecting her autonomy either.

In this case it's different because a dick pic like this is illegal harassment and OP would be quite right to report it and let events unfold as a result of an investigation. It will still be horrible for the wife but it will be done as part of a legal process and she'll be treated respectfully; she won't be forced into a starring role in an unknown person's revenge performance without knowing who it is or if it's true, and being made to feel like she's been weaponised.

It doesn't mean a complete stranger has to kick her in the guts too, for nothing more than revenge, lets be honest all these posters saying she deserves to know are just here for the drama. No one actually gives a shit about his wife. At least I have some compassion and I won't apologise for that.

I find it startling how many people care so deeply about a wife and kids when we're not even sure they exist or if they've separated or anything at all. Making up stories of Christmas and the wife's mother dying.

So much more than the actual victim of a crime who has come forwards and asked for support. Who has acted out of trauma.

Op if you haven't already please do report this man to the police. They will take your statement any of the 24 hrs of the day and they will listen and ask you how you wish to proceed.

Because OP has to be in the wrong. Since the whole “oh you’ve been flirting with a married man” shtick didn’t work…

It's awful victim blaming isn't it?!

No wonder so many sex crimes go unreported.

It’s from a woman your husband been sending dick pics to like it says in the card? If you want to know who that is ask him 🤷‍♀️