Page 18 | Would this be rude?

Christmas20 · 2025-12-06T10:48:23+00:00

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them. They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues. Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix. Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews. I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

ProfessorBinturong · 07/12/2025 22:35

IridiumSky · 07/12/2025 20:07

Yeah I know that. I’ve worked in most of them. OK, I’ll amend that to a generic Chinese if you prefer.

Or at least to Cantonese, Thai, Vietnamese, Khmer, Korean, Laotian, Gujarati, Mauritian and Malay. They’re the ones I know well. Plus nearly all of the Indian sub-continent and the Middle East.

I’m struggling to think of anywhere that can be described as ‘Asia’ where the enjoyment of sharing mixed meals isn’t routine. Help please - where are you thinking of? Genuine question.

And this is not a ‘requirement’. Nobody will die. It’s a preference. And probably some nonsense about the restaurant not using multiple correct-coloured chopping boards, or recording temperatures properly. That’s what causes mark-downs. Real problems - likely to cause food poisoning - result in immediate closure.

Show quote history

Most cultures will have some meals with shared dishes - as the British do for family dining at home. But it's far less universal for restaurant meals - for example in Japan it's more common to stick to your own dish (one of the reasons their chopsticks are shorter than Chinese ones) in many types of restaurant - and a takeaway blurs the 2 traditions.

Not that it matters because the OP is neither Asian nor in Asia. Italians would be horrified by the way American (and most Brits) eat takeaway pizza, but that doesn't mean everyone has to switch to their way of doing things.

And did you miss the bit about vegetarianism and food intolerances? No, she almost certainly won't die but she could be in significant physical discomfort for several days if she eats the wrong thing.

Cornishclio · 07/12/2025 22:37

I would understand so maybe your bfs family would also get it. Lots of our family members have food intolerances, IBF etc so we are careful what we order and where from. One option is you and your bf offer to pick up takeaway and you get yours from the one with the higher rating and also the one they normally order from. As long as you are paying for yours why should they worry?

ProfessorBinturong · 07/12/2025 22:45

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/12/2025 20:55

Ours is always fresh. Thy can see them cooking it

Show quote history

That's good, but how do you know the one the OP is talking about is the same? Different places are, well, different.

Some cook everything fresh. Some batch cook earlier in the day and reheat. Some reheat over the course of several days - witch can lose them marks on the hygiene rating if it's poorly stored or not adequately labelled. Some have open kitchen, some have closed ones. Even ones that make each dish to order will have some pre-prepped ingredients for speed and efficiency.

RC25 · 07/12/2025 22:53

Just read the thread and wondered how the op got on with the meal tonight. Hope it was resolved without any upset .

OneBookTooMany · 07/12/2025 22:57

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 07/12/2025 19:49

Even the OP, with her candid recognition of her issues, doesn't go the vehement extremes of this OTT post

Show quote history

Hi @MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

I see you've spent the evening passing remarks towards posters, including me, who wouldn't eat at a dirty place.

Obviously, your food hygiene standards are pretty low but, if you would be so kind as to let give you a small, but rather personal, piece of advice:

Have you ever wondered why you are a Purple Turtle?

I ask because that's not a normal colour for turtles, you know and it might be linked to your indiscriminate eating of any old shite.

Follow my advice: don't eat food that fails basic hygiene and you might find your self restored to the colour you should be, a lovely shade of green or gray.

Alas for humans, turning green or gray is not desirable but could be achieved after eating at a below par food establishment. That is why we avoid them, that and a case of the squits of course.

ProfessorBinturong · 07/12/2025 22:59

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 22:30

It doesn’t impact them at all and there is no real reason they should care - but as you know social etiquette is not necessarily rational. There are power dynamics and weird family dynamics and so on at play, which OP may not care to engage in, but which will impact how others see her for years to come. In every family scenario I have been in whether that’s my own, a friend’s or a partners’ it would be considered the height of rudeness to declare the takeaway the family are using is not for you and you are ordering from elsewhere. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, just how it is.

I actually have a SiL who completely refuses to engage in our family power dynamics and doesn’t ever do something she doesn’t want to do for the sake of peace. She would definitely order her own takeaway if she didn’t like what we were having. However, she has been in our family 15 years and it took a while before everyone realised she really didn’t give a shit what we thought of her and was going to meet her own needs first. I admire her, but it’s not easy when all the family are together and more often than not she now doesn’t come/doesn’t stay for long if she does come. So it has affected my sibling’s relationship with the family to some degree.

Show quote history

Your family sounds absolutely barking. Power dynamics? It's a meal, not the Soviet Central Committee. Taking 15 years to realise someone's not playing your stupid games? Your SiL is the only sensible one in this scenario.

Foreverautumnagain · 07/12/2025 23:00

Take your own food! I do this a lot. Can't tolerate garlic or fatty foods. No issues 🤷‍♀️

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 23:04

OlivePeer · 07/12/2025 22:13

I think people MUST just be having fun putting the boot in - I just don't believe so many people/their families would actually judge someone for this, and yet believe OP is the uptight, difficult, high-maintenance one! They are.

Show quote history

Ha yes. Ironic really.

Shotokan101 · 07/12/2025 23:04

Christmas20 · 06/12/2025 10:57

Even though there is hardly anything for me to eat from the menu? 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like an "EXCUSE".....

briq · 07/12/2025 23:06

The next time it comes up, I'd run it by your partner, but I can't see any issue. You have very specific dietary needs, and if you're picking up the food yourselves, there won't be a long wait between the arrival of the food.

Even if I thought someone was being picky, I can't imagine caring, under those circumstances. I'd much rather have this solution than for someone to go hungry or eat something they didn't really enjoy.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 23:10

ProfessorBinturong · 07/12/2025 22:59

Your family sounds absolutely barking. Power dynamics? It's a meal, not the Soviet Central Committee. Taking 15 years to realise someone's not playing your stupid games? Your SiL is the only sensible one in this scenario.

Show quote history

I’m not suggesting my family is unusual. In fact I haven’t even given any examples so I am not sure how you got to your scathing conclusion.

I am saying in every single social situation there are power dynamics at play. Whether it’s a nice welcoming family Sunday roast or a corporate works dinner.

These dynamics are not necessarily overt, but they are there. Part of adjusting to a new social group is figuring out the rules and dynamics at play - whether you split the bill evenly or pay for what you had, if it’s ok to help yourself to tea and coffee at a particular friends’ house, who buys a round first and whether everyone has to be ‘evens’ by the end of the night, who has what at the takeaway and how you share the food. Being welcomed into any social group is about how you fit in with existing norms and how your own personality adjusts the dynamics already in existence. No one can expect to steam in and have their needs met by strangers in the first instance. That’s mostly not how things go (tho maybe in some social groupings it is!).

People on this thread telling OP she may well come across as rude is just a reflection of the reality that it is generally considered rude to go into a social situation where you are an outsider and make demands that set expectations around the centrality of your needs above the established way of things in that social group.

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 23:11

@Lotsnlotsoflove Your family, eek. Power dynamics, sil not playing their silly games (👏🏻👏🏻). Maybe you are too far into it not to see that sounds totally unhealthy. Well done to sil, sensible woman.

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 23:13

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 23:10

I’m not suggesting my family is unusual. In fact I haven’t even given any examples so I am not sure how you got to your scathing conclusion.

I am saying in every single social situation there are power dynamics at play. Whether it’s a nice welcoming family Sunday roast or a corporate works dinner.

These dynamics are not necessarily overt, but they are there. Part of adjusting to a new social group is figuring out the rules and dynamics at play - whether you split the bill evenly or pay for what you had, if it’s ok to help yourself to tea and coffee at a particular friends’ house, who buys a round first and whether everyone has to be ‘evens’ by the end of the night, who has what at the takeaway and how you share the food. Being welcomed into any social group is about how you fit in with existing norms and how your own personality adjusts the dynamics already in existence. No one can expect to steam in and have their needs met by strangers in the first instance. That’s mostly not how things go (tho maybe in some social groupings it is!).

People on this thread telling OP she may well come across as rude is just a reflection of the reality that it is generally considered rude to go into a social situation where you are an outsider and make demands that set expectations around the centrality of your needs above the established way of things in that social group.

Show quote history

Or you could all just chill, it’s just a Chinese takeaway for Pete’s sake.

In our family the rice is shared and starter but we all choose our own main.

Newpensioner · 07/12/2025 23:26

MissyMooPoo2 · 06/12/2025 11:07

You’re jumping down people’s throats just on this thread. Don’t ask for opinions if you don’t want them.

Show quote history

This is the weirdest set of responses. OP you are grand. You are absolutely entitled to order what you want from wherever you want. I am not sure why you are getting such a hard time.

Mountainoftangledlights · 07/12/2025 23:36

I personally wouldn’t have an issue with someone wanting an alternative takeaway. Next time if it’s you and husband picking up takeaway (unless I’ve misunderstood), do you even have to say anything - who would know?

browneyes77 · 07/12/2025 23:49

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 22:30

It doesn’t impact them at all and there is no real reason they should care - but as you know social etiquette is not necessarily rational. There are power dynamics and weird family dynamics and so on at play, which OP may not care to engage in, but which will impact how others see her for years to come. In every family scenario I have been in whether that’s my own, a friend’s or a partners’ it would be considered the height of rudeness to declare the takeaway the family are using is not for you and you are ordering from elsewhere. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, just how it is.

I actually have a SiL who completely refuses to engage in our family power dynamics and doesn’t ever do something she doesn’t want to do for the sake of peace. She would definitely order her own takeaway if she didn’t like what we were having. However, she has been in our family 15 years and it took a while before everyone realised she really didn’t give a shit what we thought of her and was going to meet her own needs first. I admire her, but it’s not easy when all the family are together and more often than not she now doesn’t come/doesn’t stay for long if she does come. So it has affected my sibling’s relationship with the family to some degree.

Show quote history

But without knowing those family dynamics, you can’t, with all certainty, know that they would consider it rude.

What may be rude to you, may not be to others

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 00:43

browneyes77 · 07/12/2025 23:49

But without knowing those family dynamics, you can’t, with all certainty, know that they would consider it rude.

What may be rude to you, may not be to others

Show quote history

Sure. My experience is that most people would consider it rude for an outsider to come into a group and centre their own needs rather than just politely accommodating the status quo. But maybe OP’s in-laws are different.

ProfessorBinturong · 08/12/2025 01:09

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 23:10

I’m not suggesting my family is unusual. In fact I haven’t even given any examples so I am not sure how you got to your scathing conclusion.

I am saying in every single social situation there are power dynamics at play. Whether it’s a nice welcoming family Sunday roast or a corporate works dinner.

These dynamics are not necessarily overt, but they are there. Part of adjusting to a new social group is figuring out the rules and dynamics at play - whether you split the bill evenly or pay for what you had, if it’s ok to help yourself to tea and coffee at a particular friends’ house, who buys a round first and whether everyone has to be ‘evens’ by the end of the night, who has what at the takeaway and how you share the food. Being welcomed into any social group is about how you fit in with existing norms and how your own personality adjusts the dynamics already in existence. No one can expect to steam in and have their needs met by strangers in the first instance. That’s mostly not how things go (tho maybe in some social groupings it is!).

People on this thread telling OP she may well come across as rude is just a reflection of the reality that it is generally considered rude to go into a social situation where you are an outsider and make demands that set expectations around the centrality of your needs above the established way of things in that social group.

Show quote history

But I am suggesting it is unusual. Most people think of a meal in terms of making everyone happy, included and comfortable - not as a power struggle.

And the OP is not centring her needs above everyone else's, she's merely not setting them aside. What she's suggesting doesn't inconvenience anyone else, it takes nothing away from them. She's making no demands on their time, their money, or their preferences. They can eat what they like, from the place of their choosing, and she's simply bringing an additional item at her own cost.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 08/12/2025 01:25

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 00:43

Sure. My experience is that most people would consider it rude for an outsider to come into a group and centre their own needs rather than just politely accommodating the status quo. But maybe OP’s in-laws are different.

Show quote history

So what you’re saying is, your family centre their own needs at all times with no regard for newcomers? Some people might consider that…rude.

Blueytwo · 08/12/2025 03:56

Go. eat in advance. order veggie. eat very slowly. focus on the company and be interested in the people. eat almost nothing.

TheDogAteTheElf · 08/12/2025 04:07

I don’t think it would be rude at all. As long as everyone gets to eat something they want, I wouldn’t care. It’s not like you’re trying to make them eat something they don’t want from somewhere else. It would be a non issue here.

anon4net · 08/12/2025 04:20

That wouldn't bother me at all if a guest did that. I'd likely ask if the choice of restaurant had enough veggie options in the first place but if I forgot I'd never take issue with a guest doing that. I'd rather they have what they need and are comfortable with what they are eating.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 08/12/2025 04:50

OneBookTooMany · 07/12/2025 22:57

Hi @MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

I see you've spent the evening passing remarks towards posters, including me, who wouldn't eat at a dirty place.

Obviously, your food hygiene standards are pretty low but, if you would be so kind as to let give you a small, but rather personal, piece of advice:

Have you ever wondered why you are a Purple Turtle?

I ask because that's not a normal colour for turtles, you know and it might be linked to your indiscriminate eating of any old shite.

Follow my advice: don't eat food that fails basic hygiene and you might find your self restored to the colour you should be, a lovely shade of green or gray.

Alas for humans, turning green or gray is not desirable but could be achieved after eating at a below par food establishment. That is why we avoid them, that and a case of the squits of course.

Show quote history

'Myrtle the Turtle' was taken. 'Purple' has a nice semi rhyme. Meanwhile, "germ and faeces packed meal" has to win the award for peak Mumsnet OTT on this thread. As I said, even the OP, with her acknowledged MH conditions, doesn't go that far

youegg · 08/12/2025 05:37

I don’t think it’s rude at all. We have group takeaway nights where we agree on e.g Thai and someone in the group fancies something different (veggie, pregnant, had Thai yesterday etc) so just grabs it themselves.
I couldn’t care less.
Not sure why it would be rude if you just sort yourself out.

PeppyRoseBeaker · 08/12/2025 05:43

😏rude