Page 17 | Would this be rude?

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 07/12/2025 21:15

My mum has had a severe eating disorder almost all of her life, and I find it rather sad how inflexible and horrible people are coming across on this thread. At my wedding, I just discretely asked that the wait staff not hassle her about food, and family are generally understanding.

I'm on a particular diet pre-surgery at the moment, and I don't like asking for accommodations because people try to wheedle around the rules or else go to kind but excessive yet inaccurate efforts to provide me with something.

The people who are upright about food are the ones trying to cram their choices down other people's throats IMO!

Yourlifeinyourhands · 07/12/2025 21:16

They’ll think you’re rude and picky and talk about you behind your back BUT I eat everything and would not be ordering from somewhere with a 3 star food hygiene rating! 5 or nothing! Surely your partner isn’t happy with this?!

ChikinLikin · 07/12/2025 21:19

Hope you're feeling better OP. .
If the situation comes up again, I don't think it would be rude to order from the other place. I haven't got a phobia like yours, but I would not knowingly choose a place with a 3 rating. That's poor. I think you can be open with them and explain that you are a stickler for hygiene and only eat at places with a 5. We all have quirks! And why not support people who run a decent kitchen?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/12/2025 21:21

I am not emetic phobic but I wouldn’t eat from a place with a hygiene rating of 3.

I’d just not go. Say you’re having an IBS flare up, migraine or whatever.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 21:22

In my family that would be considered rude and you would get a reputation as an uptight PITA. The best thing to do is to eat before you go and when there order a couple of dishes you can eat (rice and some veg) and pick at them.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/12/2025 21:23

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 21:22

In my family that would be considered rude and you would get a reputation as an uptight PITA. The best thing to do is to eat before you go and when there order a couple of dishes you can eat (rice and some veg) and pick at them.

Your family need to chill TF out. Why do you think someone should sideline their own comfort and preferences for your arbitrary rules? Same question to everyone else who thinks this absolute non-event is rude. This thread is a good reminder though to keep prioritising myself first, as it’s funny how much some people find offence in the most innocuous of things.

browneyes77 · 07/12/2025 21:31

I think if you frame it as the other place just has a few more veggie options for you, then it wouldn’t come across as rude.

Maybe speak to your partner and just say that the other place close by has more veggie options for you to choose from that you like the look of, and you wouldn’t expect everyone else to use the same place for your benefit, so does he think his family will be ok if you pay for your own food from the other place with better options.

See what he says

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 07/12/2025 21:32

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 21:22

In my family that would be considered rude and you would get a reputation as an uptight PITA. The best thing to do is to eat before you go and when there order a couple of dishes you can eat (rice and some veg) and pick at them.

The irony of your super-strict and unaccommodating family calling other people uptight....

browneyes77 · 07/12/2025 21:33

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 21:22

In my family that would be considered rude and you would get a reputation as an uptight PITA. The best thing to do is to eat before you go and when there order a couple of dishes you can eat (rice and some veg) and pick at them.

But if she’s offering to buy her own food from another local chinese that has more veggie options she will enjoy, how is that rude?

She’s not asking them to pay for it.

How does it impact them, really?

Thenakedwineglass · 07/12/2025 21:38

Yes it is rude. They have invited you to share a meal and you choosing food from elsewhere is saying their food isn’t for enough

i think your therapist would suggest this is a good opportunity for exposure therapy - 9-10 people happy with a place with a 3 star rating shows that it’s not really an issue, and like pp have said vegetarian food is pretty hard to spoil

fyi the chippy I always ordered from in my old house was a 1 star (I didn’t know until after I’d been ordering for some time!) and my current favourite is a 4 and looks spotless - so the ratings can be for different reasons

just pick something ‘safe’ and plain, you’ll feel very proud of yourself when you’ve done it - it’s a big thing to do as an emetephobe and you’ll also have a shared experience with your partners family

shouldIstayorshouldIgo888 · 07/12/2025 21:40

If you're picking up the food, get whatever you want from the other place and tell everyone you won a voucher for a free meal in a Christmas raffle and decided to use it.

Newsenmum · 07/12/2025 21:41

Thenakedwineglass · 07/12/2025 21:38

Yes it is rude. They have invited you to share a meal and you choosing food from elsewhere is saying their food isn’t for enough

i think your therapist would suggest this is a good opportunity for exposure therapy - 9-10 people happy with a place with a 3 star rating shows that it’s not really an issue, and like pp have said vegetarian food is pretty hard to spoil

fyi the chippy I always ordered from in my old house was a 1 star (I didn’t know until after I’d been ordering for some time!) and my current favourite is a 4 and looks spotless - so the ratings can be for different reasons

just pick something ‘safe’ and plain, you’ll feel very proud of yourself when you’ve done it - it’s a big thing to do as an emetephobe and you’ll also have a shared experience with your partners family

I disagree. I dont eat at places with a low hygiene rating lol and Im not scared of vomit in the slightest. Im surprised at a mumsnet thread being so full of people pleasing!

AnnHedonia · 07/12/2025 21:45

ParmaVioletTea · 06/12/2025 22:33

It shows that @Christmas20 dislikes the choices of her hosts.

It shows that she doesn’t trust her hosts.

It draws attention to her as special and requiring special treatment

Her suggestion demonstrates she doesn’t want to join in with a family meal.

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'Special treatment'?

Gosh, heaven forbid that OP should fail to blend in with the flock, eh... 🙄

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 21:48

Yourlifeinyourhands · 07/12/2025 21:16

They’ll think you’re rude and picky and talk about you behind your back BUT I eat everything and would not be ordering from somewhere with a 3 star food hygiene rating! 5 or nothing! Surely your partner isn’t happy with this?!

Why would they do that? I wouldn’t do that to either of my son’s gfs? In fact the first time I met one of them she came to stay for a few days. She didn’t like one of the ingredients I put in the stew on the very first night, so I picked them out for her before putting out her plate. No annoyance, or talking about her behind her back. She told my son after she had a lovely time as her family are very argumentative so it was an eye opener to be with a family so chill.

TippityTappity2 · 07/12/2025 21:51

I genuinely wouldn’t care about this at all. Sometimes DP and I order from different restaurants because we don’t fancy the same thing. I truly don’t understand why anyone would be offended by this. Especially given the circumstances. Start as you mean to go on. Don’t stifle your needs and preferences to try and please other people because they rarely are. Please yourself!

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 21:51

Newsenmum · 07/12/2025 21:41

I disagree. I dont eat at places with a low hygiene rating lol and Im not scared of vomit in the slightest. Im surprised at a mumsnet thread being so full of people pleasing!

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I’m genuinely shocked at the people pleasing shite on here. Who is so emotionally invested in everyone ordering from the same takeaway, it’s barmy.

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 21:53

Thenakedwineglass · 07/12/2025 21:38

Yes it is rude. They have invited you to share a meal and you choosing food from elsewhere is saying their food isn’t for enough

i think your therapist would suggest this is a good opportunity for exposure therapy - 9-10 people happy with a place with a 3 star rating shows that it’s not really an issue, and like pp have said vegetarian food is pretty hard to spoil

fyi the chippy I always ordered from in my old house was a 1 star (I didn’t know until after I’d been ordering for some time!) and my current favourite is a 4 and looks spotless - so the ratings can be for different reasons

just pick something ‘safe’ and plain, you’ll feel very proud of yourself when you’ve done it - it’s a big thing to do as an emetephobe and you’ll also have a shared experience with your partners family

It’s not their food, it’s a bloody takeaway!!

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 21:56

In the days I could afford takeaways there were occasions when one of us had Chinese, one Indian and the other a pizza. No one cried or got angsty.

OlivePeer · 07/12/2025 22:13

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 21:56

In the days I could afford takeaways there were occasions when one of us had Chinese, one Indian and the other a pizza. No one cried or got angsty.

I think people MUST just be having fun putting the boot in - I just don't believe so many people/their families would actually judge someone for this, and yet believe OP is the uptight, difficult, high-maintenance one! They are.

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 07/12/2025 22:13

Thenakedwineglass · 07/12/2025 21:38

Yes it is rude. They have invited you to share a meal and you choosing food from elsewhere is saying their food isn’t for enough

i think your therapist would suggest this is a good opportunity for exposure therapy - 9-10 people happy with a place with a 3 star rating shows that it’s not really an issue, and like pp have said vegetarian food is pretty hard to spoil

fyi the chippy I always ordered from in my old house was a 1 star (I didn’t know until after I’d been ordering for some time!) and my current favourite is a 4 and looks spotless - so the ratings can be for different reasons

just pick something ‘safe’ and plain, you’ll feel very proud of yourself when you’ve done it - it’s a big thing to do as an emetephobe and you’ll also have a shared experience with your partners family

Nope I have no food phobia s but wouldn’t eat from a takeaway rated 3 and vegetable / rice dishes can ‘spoil ‘as you put it. Even if I didn’t think it was going to make me ill .unhygienic food preparation would just put me off.

Yamahahaha · 07/12/2025 22:19

Does anyone on Mumsnet not have emetophobia?

It wouldn't bother me if you wanted to order from somewhere different, although I wouldn't make a big deal about the hygiene rating if you don't want to risk offending anyone.

TwinklyNight · 07/12/2025 22:19

I feel you OP. IBS, allergies and intolances rule my life. I am lucky that my family/extended family understand and are considerate.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 07/12/2025 22:20

Christmas20 · 06/12/2025 10:48

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

Honestly, if you were my guest, as long as your approach to the situation wasn't self righteous, then it wouldn't bother me at all. Stear away from anything like your Chinese takeaway isn't as hygienic as the one I use as it makes you sound awful even though I get your reasons behind it is a phobia.
A polite WhatsApp to the host beforehand saying something along the lines of ' hope you dont mind but due to my dietary limitations, would you be ok for me to bring my own takeaway from down the road as I know the ingredients list well and know they wont triggermy intolerancs which could spoil the evening 🙈. So sorry to be a pain, I'll organise my own collection etc so as to not disrupt the main ordering of food etc I'm more than happy for anyone to try my dishes too if they fancy some! I'm really looking forward to spending Friday night with you all. See you then!
I've often had takeaway nights with family and friends where orders have been from several different places because of everyone's preferences. I'd rather everyone ate something they enjoyed!

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 22:30

browneyes77 · 07/12/2025 21:33

But if she’s offering to buy her own food from another local chinese that has more veggie options she will enjoy, how is that rude?

She’s not asking them to pay for it.

How does it impact them, really?

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It doesn’t impact them at all and there is no real reason they should care - but as you know social etiquette is not necessarily rational. There are power dynamics and weird family dynamics and so on at play, which OP may not care to engage in, but which will impact how others see her for years to come. In every family scenario I have been in whether that’s my own, a friend’s or a partners’ it would be considered the height of rudeness to declare the takeaway the family are using is not for you and you are ordering from elsewhere. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, just how it is.

I actually have a SiL who completely refuses to engage in our family power dynamics and doesn’t ever do something she doesn’t want to do for the sake of peace. She would definitely order her own takeaway if she didn’t like what we were having. However, she has been in our family 15 years and it took a while before everyone realised she really didn’t give a shit what we thought of her and was going to meet her own needs first. I admire her, but it’s not easy when all the family are together and more often than not she now doesn’t come/doesn’t stay for long if she does come. So it has affected my sibling’s relationship with the family to some degree.

CloudSky · 07/12/2025 22:33

IridiumSky · 07/12/2025 19:48

Eh? I’ve never seen it done any other way (than sharing). That’s the way of Asian food.

You mean your friends order a dish or more each, then scoff the whole bloody lot themselves, all the same, from the one container? Christ on a bike, what a bunch of Neanderthals! 😄 I hope you’ve never invited any Asian friends.

It’s like accepting an invitation to Sunday lunch, then eating ALL the roast potatoes, and absolutely nothing else. Think how that might look! 😂😂

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Why are you suggesting that someone ordering a takeaway and, god forbid, EATING it, are Neanderthals? What an utterly ridiculous thing to say. It’s not like by sharing the meals between people means you somehow eat “better” or eat “less”. You’d eat the same, and if you couldn’t finish you save it for next day like a normal person?

And nope, didn’t say anything about anyone ordering more than one dish each? Not sure where you made that up from?

How THE FUCK could it possibly equate to eating all the roast potatoes at a roast? 🤣🤣 you’re not very good at analogies are you? That would be the equivalent of your “double dipping” buffet where one person steals all the pineapple from the sweet and sour! 🤦🏻‍♀️ a Chinese meal is a complete meal, like a full roast dinner.

And no, never invited an Asian person.

As I say, I don’t object to dish sharing but it’s far from rude to order your own dish for your own tastes. It’s absolutely and perfectly normal.