Would this be rude?

[Christmas20]

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

Food preferences aside, I don’t think it’s rude to decline to eat at a restaurant with bad reviews and a middling food standard rating.

In this instance, I’d get my husband to do the dirty work for me though, and suggest somewhere else.

Eh? I’ve never seen it done any other way (than sharing). That’s the way of Asian food.

You mean your friends order a dish or more each, then scoff the whole bloody lot themselves, all the same, from the one container? Christ on a bike, what a bunch of Neanderthals! 😄 I hope you’ve never invited any Asian friends.

It’s like accepting an invitation to Sunday lunch, then eating ALL the roast potatoes, and absolutely nothing else. Think how that might look! 😂😂

Just don't go. It's not your thing. Join a different event. If you go there with your food issues they will get a bad impression of you and just think you are fussy and controlling. I know a few people with food issues, it's an ASD thing, and they really annoy me by making a deal of it. I just think 'don't participate if you can't handle it'

Even the OP, with her candid recognition of her issues, doesn't go the vehement extremes of this OTT post

Asia's a big place; they're not all the same.

And even if everyone in the whole of Asia did follow the family-style Chinese tradition it doesn't mean the rest of the world has to do exactly the same. Especially if they have particular dietary requirements.

I'm equally torn!

Before reading the replies I wouldn’t have thought anyone could find it rude or unreasonable to do what OP has suggested.

There was no fussy eating in my house growing up but my parents wouldn’t bat an eyelid at anyone bringing or ordering a meal from a different Chinese, or even a different take away altogether to a take away night. Same would go for In laws and at my own house. Certainly for a new partner we’d want to make sure they were welcomed, comfortable and eating something they enjoy.

I might offer to pay or insist on paying for their take away, or suggest they order an extra portion so the rest of us can try it. But I wouldn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. I know my kids would be able to reassure a new partner or even a friend who was invited that it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

In fact I’d feel quite sad at the thought of someone pretending to eat or picking at chips and rice, to avoid looking rude or weird.

Not eating, or spending the evening pushing a single spring roll round your plate, would be far odder and ruder than simply sorting your own dish and eating normally alongside everyone else.

Can you really not? Really?

The people who say it is rude- WTF. She’s offering to order and pay for her own food. Is it better she is ill for a few days and suffer rather than say “I hope you don’t mind but I’ve order food from xxx as I know this won’’t cause me to suffer with intolerances for a few days as I’ve tried and tested them before”. I had food poisoning from a takeaway before and when my family wanted to order from there again I said you go right ahead (they knew about my food poisoning) but I said there’s no way I’m joining you and sorted my own food- no issues

Wise counsel indeed

Yeah I know that. I’ve worked in most of them. OK, I’ll amend that to a generic Chinese if you prefer.

Or at least to Cantonese, Thai, Vietnamese, Khmer, Korean, Laotian, Gujarati, Mauritian and Malay. They’re the ones I know well. Plus nearly all of the Indian sub-continent and the Middle East.

I’m struggling to think of anywhere that can be described as ‘Asia’ where the enjoyment of sharing mixed meals isn’t routine. Help please - where are you thinking of? Genuine question.

And this is not a ‘requirement’. Nobody will die. It’s a preference. And probably some nonsense about the restaurant not using multiple correct-coloured chopping boards, or recording temperatures properly. That’s what causes mark-downs. Real problems - likely to cause food poisoning - result in immediate closure.

Hello, potential MIL and PIL. Your takeaway choice is shit - hygiene rating of 3 and poor reviews. Let me recommend a better one for you

I do think it might look really unusual.

just explain to them why you’re doing it. It’s not biggie is it.

As a fellow vegetarian, who also doesnt tolerate spicy food i would absolutely order from the one you want to order from. Yes i would tell them its because you are vegetarian and theres more choice for you there, thats honestly fair enough! They will find out you are vegetarian in any case, so it may as well be now. If the idea is for everyone to dive in and share one another's food, its something you probably would't be able to do, but thats fine, it gets the situation across nicely. Why on earth should anyone mind or be offended by this, they should just want everyone to enjoy their food. Its definitely not rude.

Just eat before you go and pick at the food, choose a few safe things. I know rice is a high risk food but I often tell myself as a veggie I’m less likely to get sick as meat is often the dodgy part!

My daughter has emtamaphobia

she will eat beef. Beef is totally a safe food. You can eat it raw!!!

But I would go for noodles. Plain noodles with some veg. Can’t go wrong there. You’d want to stay away from any rice dishes.

I have a daughter who has OCD and emetophobia. It really is awful and causes so much distress. Do you think they’d be understanding if you explained to them? OCD is so misunderstood and is so very hard to work through even with therapy so if you are planning to be together for a while then you may want to just be transparent and then it doesn’t need to look rude and there is mo misunderstanding on intent. Good luck with it x

I really would just go with the flow. eat beforehand, order something you vaguely like and enjoy good company. This is a non issue

Eat beforehand and just order something, push it around the plate and dont eat?

Snap!

That’s real eating disorder behaviour. We used to get taught to watch out for that.

Who's "we"? And OP DOES have a disorder of sorts, she is getting help for it.