Would this be rude?

[Christmas20]

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

And I understand that but some people go out of their way to be cruel - maybe because their own lives are so miserable, who knows? 🤷‍♀️ - but either way, it’s completely unnecessary and it’s easy enough to put your own opinion across in a nicer way

In future, I wouldn't worry and absolutely order from the place you're comfortable with. if you're picking up, there's no fuss or discussion on it needed with the group and you can do it quietly. Use the vegetarian options are reason if anyone asks - one quick comment and change the subject.
My children and i are coeliac so used to being the difficult ones :) We order separately from my family, definitely don't share due to cross contamination and noone minds a bit.
I sometimes bring our own homecooked "fakeaway" takeaway in foil tubs so the kids feel included in these nights. It's good fun, we stay healthy and noone blinks and eye at it. Very strange attitudes here - I've always had friends who have ordered where they were able to or due to preferred choices, e.g. vegan, no msg, prefers pizza, nut allergies, etc. Takeaways are expensive and it's meant to be a fun night for everyone. Relax, explain quickly with a smile, move on and enjoy your night :)

If you/your partner do any of the extra faffing about and it doesn’t effect the cost of anyone else’s meal or when they can eat etc, why on earth would they care?! I’d definitely go down the veggie option/food intolerance route for reason why.

But perhaps ask your partner what they think? They will probably have a better idea of how their own family would interpret it.

Id like to think if it was me hosting, that any of my family could confidently tell their partner that it was absolutely fine and not to worry about it.

It is rude because it conveys to your hosts that their food/menu choices are not good enough for you. And that you are not prepared to make the effort for them.

To make the effort to eat food you don't want? Why would they expect someone to do that for them? Also 3 stars isn't good enough, so they should just deal with the reality. The family is very high maintenance if this is their viewpoint.

And how do you know if the takeaway makes it fresh or reheats? That may be the reason for the low rating.

Yes, it’s weird and you will come across as batshit, so the only way to deal with it is by saying:

”look, I’m about to come across as bat shit but I’ve got thingyphobia so there’s no way I’m eating anything from this place” laugh out loud about it, get in there first with all the jokes, then crack on and order from your own place, share it with others, and maybe they’ll like it more and order from there next time.

No because I’m not masking my phobia due to abusive trauma as being batshit - how dismissive of people’s mental health issues is that.

I think most people were quite measured in their responses, and only looking to offer helpful alternatives that you may not have considered. I hope you are feeling better this morning.

I’m not saying about people like that - there were some very helpful responses on here - I’m talking about people who literally said to get over myself and how rude I’m being and how I need to suck it up despite having genuine issues - physically and mentally - and the lack of compassion there and kicking someone whilst they are already down sort of thing. Thankfully the minority on the thread.

Thank you for the well wishes this morning, having a very much needed rest day 💐

It’s not batshit to want to avoid a shitty Chinese with a poor food hygiene rating that has bad reviews about making people ill..

Sorry you weren’t up to going OP.

I do understand but I also think it could have been sorted by talking to your partner. I’m sure his parents would want you to feel comfortable and not eat food you don’t like.

Bloody hell, this is such a non issue now I've read that you're not having it delivered, but picking it up!!! Ffs! Just go into the other takeaway and get your meal while your partner is picking up the main one! Or vice versa so they're ready together.
You're making a mountain out of a molehill here and I suspect it's more about the hygiene rating to be honest. And for me, rude or not, I certainly wouldn't eat from somewhere rated a 3!

I feel for you OP, I have a fair few stomach issues, after suffering with IBS for years that is set off with a lot onion based foods and onion powder, and after contracting a bacterial stomach infection Sep 2024, my stomach can be hard work. I also have severe Health Anxiety. So I get what the awful headspace can be like.

My parents used to think I was being awkward when I was younger, due to my IBS, that went undiagnosed until I was 30. But it's your body at end of the day. And if they had anything about them they would understand. Personally I would order from the other place. Me and my ex would order from 2 different places as he liked Indian and I would get Chinese years ago. But literally I'd have Chips and Mushrooms in Gravy.

I find people who don't suffer with stomach issues don't really get how hard it can be at times and just think your such a picky eater. But it is literally a case of having what you like and knowing you'll be ok, or suffering for a few days which isn't nice at all. Just explain or don't if you don't feel comfortable enough. But say you unfortunately have to be super careful with what you eat as it can set off stomach issues. Enjoy your meal whatever you choose OP.

I may be too late but…. If you’re the ones collecting the take away can you ask the families take away place for a spare container (offer to pay if they’re reluctant). Then collect one portion of something from your takeaway and transfer it to the empty container so it appears to have come from the same place? Pick something both places sell so if they check the menu they won’t realise you got something not on the menu. Extreme yes, but I have a family member with emetophobia so I get it.

Eat something before you go, and pick at your food at dinner. No one gets pissed off, it's not rude, and don't tell anyone you've had food before coming.

Much as I sympathise with yiu, they would never invite yiu again and would think you odd.

That’s a really good idea

I think this sounds totally reasonable. I would feel the same in your situation and tbh I don't think I'd even worry about whether it appeared rude or not.

If it's Chinese there will be quite a few deep fried things, veg spring rolls for example. These should be relatively clean for you.

Yes it would be . Make yourself a favour eat at home and pretend you eat later

I don't think its rude of you at all and I can see where your coming from

Just speak to them an explain the situation. As there are only a few of you,, there shouldn't be a problem going somewhere else. Also, as someone who works in the food industry, I would NEVER eat somewhere with a 3 star hygiene rating!!

With EFT Tapping your emetophobia fix could in fact be quick. You could consider it for the future?

Hrft but I'm picky for lots of reasons.
I tried with DH family to just eat what's presented but honestly, they still think im the pita, so just get your own food but accept you'll always be the difficukt one.

I've seen your update but I don't think it's rude at all. I'm so shocked by the amount who think it is! We regularly order from different places when eating together. Not everyone wants the same thing all the time. Although perhaps next time your partner can order from the different place with you just for the support? Hope you're feeling better x