Would this be rude?

[Christmas20]

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

I wouldn't eat from a place with a 3 rating, either. I don't think it's rude to say there's nothing you can eat on the menu and that you'll order for yourself from the other place - maybe send the menu to see if anyone else would also prefer that. I can't see why anyone would be bothered by you doing that. If you were coming to me, I would make sure we ordered from a place that suited everyone (and wasn't a public health risk).

Its not rude at all, you are picking up the food you have dietary requirements THE END ...you've inconvenienced no-one. Hope your meal is delicious OP ...ignore the MN bullies 🥢

I genuinely don't understand why anyone would have a problem - I've only read the first page but really surprised at the responses. I'd just get partner to drop a message in advance if there's a family group chat saying "OP is going to grab something from takeawayB because it has nore choice of dishes she can eat, does anyone else want to add anything from there to her order?" because I'd only think it was a bit rude if I'd secretly have preferred that too!

Only total arseholes would help themselves to the vegetarian main when there's only one!

I don’t see the problem. The takeaways are close to each other so it shouldn’t cause too much delay when you collect the meals. If anyone asks you can say your veggie and the other place had a bit more choice for you. The 3 star rating would put me off the other place.

Now expecting to share a vegetarians food, especially if the majority of the food ordered isn't veggie is rude.

Going against the grain here, I don't think it's rude!

But I do have a fussy food family, so we're used to having takeaways from 5 different places so I wouldn't think this was rude at all.

This is where your partner comes into it and just gives a heads up & explain (to which I think any decent person would understand where you're coming from) or they slyly sorts it out for you (ie takes charge in ordering from Chinese A, goes to collect the food and then collects Chinese B for you at the same time as you say they're near each other).

I think it would be much more rude if you went along with Chinese A and then looked visibly uncomfortable and not eating the food out of fear, rather than participating in the meal with Chinese B and actually having a nice time!

Not rude at all! I wouldn't even think twice if someone did that. You need to enjoy the food. Worse if yiu were getting something you couldn't/want to eat and then was just picking at it.

I don't think it's rude, but you should let them know beforehand incase any of them would also prefer the takeaway you're choosing.

Once again, most ordinary Chinese takeaways do not have a huge range of vegetarian dishes. The fact you can swap the meat for vegetables doesn't make them vegetarian. A lot contain oyster sauce, pork fat, and other hidden meat ingredients.

if its on the same road & you’re collecting just get your own thing & put it in the other takeaways bag 😂 can’t imagine why anyone would think it’s rude. When my parents come to visit, the majority all love Thai but my dad can’t find anything he would like to eat so he just goes to the local Chinese. He usually pops out for it himself while my husband goes in the opposite direction for Thai but then we all sit & enjoy our food at the table together. Why on earth would it be an issue if you’re collecting it yourself & not inconveniencing anyone & everyone at the table gets to eat exactly what they want 🤷‍♀️ I don’t understand why anyone would be offended, people are weird 😂😂

Wow I’m surprised by these responses.

Im sure the same commenters would think your crazy if you went along with it all and made your self mentally ill worrying for the following days - they would probably all be questioning why you didn’t eat something different if you new you felt this way to begin with - some people just like a bit of harsh criticism me thinks.

I would let people no my plan so they had the option of ordering from there too and had the choice but it literally effects no one else and will in turn allow you to enjoy the evening, so what if they wunna refer to you as ‘that GF’ as some have suggested- if they want to judge you from one Chinese then that says more about them then you!

So what happened in the end?

I would have just mentioned it to my partner and would have asked them to explain to the family that you have more choice at the other takeaway and would like to order from there. I would have let them judge whether they suggested everyone ordered from there or not.
I think you have to ignore the reviews and hygiene issue for a moment as if this is the usual takeaway choice of everyone else they would be more likely to say but we have never had any problems when eating there, and then see that you were making a fuss. Also remember reviews generally are written by people who have had a bad experience. Does the hygiene rating mention the specific areas as often it is paperwork that lets businesses down.

Those dishes are not necessarily vegetarian as many chinese takeaways use hidden meat and/or fish ingredients such as pork fat and oyster sauce. Maybe the family are being thoughtless for not choosing a place that has reliable, guaranteed vegetarian food.

Have they ever been poorly from a bad Chinese there ?

make sure bf tells them you are a veggie so you will order a dish or two you like - has he told them about your issues with food ?

as someone above said you can’t really go wrong with veggie stuff and more the chicken/meat and possible rice dishes but if made fresh and not reheated I can’t see how will make you ill

This is clearly not something a couple of sessions of therapy will resolve quickly. As such - just tell them you have this illness. They’ll will judge you but at least it’s out there. If this is a longer term relationship just rip the band aid off so they know you’re weird with food now otherwise you’ll go through this drama everytime you see them.

Of course it’s not rude! People order takeaway from where they like the food.

Just because you are worried about the food hygiene rating it doesn’t make you rude.

If you had an allergy to the oil they used in that particular take away you wouldn’t order from there! (Our local chippy tells the oil they use can cause allergies for some)

Posters saying you are weird with food don’t have a clue. Emetophobia isn’t about being weird with food!

I literally would not care one iota whether you wanted food from a different place. Find it very peculiar people would find it “rude”. What’s rude about it?

I think ordering from a secondplace is a faff so instead i would ask DH to message ahead and say "yes we'd love to come thanks. However wife/partner will be bringing her own food, she's having a few dietary issues and doesn't want to enforce them on everyone else"

Then arrive with your own food.

I hope you managed to resolve this OP. It’s a takeaway so I wouldn’t care at all if you bought some dishes from a rival takeaway/the chippy/the co-op. It’s not like ordering an uber eats to your restaurant table.

To all the people who have claimed that I’m neurotic, shouldn’t be in a relationship, should order rice even though that’s the main culprit of food poisoning sometimes and that I should just get over myself - you don’t sound like very nice people and I feel sorry for anyone who gets invited to eat at your house and has to socialise with you 😅

To everyone that was supportive - thank you so much, it means a lot when people are understanding 💐

To clear some things up - I don’t eat a lot of vegetables because of my stomach issues and I find them a bit of a trigger, the other place had beans/pulses options whereas the original place it was only really vegetables or tofu (which I don’t particularly like either).

In the end it didn’t actually matter as I started to feel absolutely exhausted once the evening rolled around due to a hospital treatment I had a couple of days ago and I stayed at home (to the unsupportive people on here - is that also rude?) but I’m glad I started the thread as it’s probably bound to happen again as they gather for takeaways quite regularly.

It's not rude. I wouldn't eat from somewhere with a 3 star hygiene rating either and I've told friends that when we've been looking for somewhere to order from.

It would be far ruder to invite someone over for a meal and not make any effort to accommodate their dietary requirements.

I was wondering why your boyfriend isn’t stepping up but then saw you haven’t spoken to him about it.

All this can easily be solved by him talking to his parents. If he knows you’re in therapy and also just really stressing, surely he’d just have a quiet word with them and ask if they mind if you order from elsewhere? They’d accept it better coming from him as they already know and love him and will know he’s being sweet by trying to help you. If you just turn up and say you’re ordering from somewhere else that would look very rude and the focus would be on you being difficult.

What I definitely wouldn’t do is pretend everything is fine. If this is their favourite takeaway to the point that they consider it worthy of hosting with for a first meet, then this takeaway is going to feature heavily in your life from now on. Get the issue resolved from the off.

I think it would be rude! I’d discuss with your partner and get him to steer them to the other Chinese restaurant.

When you post on AIBU, you are asking for perspectives. They aren’t all going to agree with your own.